More relaxed? in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Yeah, yeah. This is me being prolific. I went and read everybody’s stuff.

You know what? I’m tired. I was tired through today and I think I leapt into the writing after all the busy of this morning as a way to push that tired feeling aside. But as I was reading and processing what all of you are going through and passively seeing words on a screen… my mind started to stop racing and just sit and think “how are we feeling today?” And the answer is tired. Tired of the limbo with Martha. Tired of winter. Tired of things taking so long in so many places of my life. Tired of people taking delight in the pain of others. Tired of people not getting the help they need… whether by their own refusal or by the inaccessibility of that help. I’m just tired.

My weekend, at least, should contain… things. Tonight, I play Dungeons and Dragons. Tomorrow, I hang out with my brother and sister in law… so Nala gets to hang out with her favorite giant sized old man Great Pyr dog. Sunday I… basically do what I always do. Monday I have approximately 2 hearings. Tuesday I have 1 hearing. And then that night for Shrove Tuesday, I’ll make pancakes with some banana liquer in the batter and try my hand at either a proper Banana Sundae Adult Beverage or 99 Proof Root Beer Float. Wednesday I have nothing. Thursday I have 16 hearings and a trial. Friday I have nothing. Saturday I have hanging out with my best friend, discussing Japan, a back massage, and then likely packing Martha.

Martha who, by the way, has another date tonight. I mean… I get it. I do. This isn’t exactly news. The reason I called for the separation was that it felt like Martha didn’t really give a shit about me. I was constantly an after thought at best. I was a convenience. But damn… does she have to go proving it so hard?? Like… your relationship of 14 years is ending… your marriage of 8 years is coming to an end… could you at least… maybe take the time to at least… move out before you hit the dating scene so hard?? Seriously? Because this is her third date in 5 weeks. She’s talking to 10 guys on Tinder.

MOVE
THE FUCK
OUT!!!

See… granted, I think the last 6 years of my writing consistently in this space has pretty clearly proven I’m a bit more self-aware than Martha is… fair statement, I’d argue. So what strikes me here is the following:

Martha’s current behavior bothers me. It bothers me a lot. It makes me angry and it hurts me. Because she is treating me like I was just “some boyfriend” who, “now that we’re broken up” she can “go out and replace, no problem.” So yeah. BOTHERS me. HURTS me. And I accept that emotional response. Process that emotional response. And embrace that such an emotional response means clearly I’m not in a place where I should be dating because I still have feelings tied up in my relationship with Martha.

Which… bothers me a bit at its truth.

See… Martha isn’t the one that suffered through all of this bullshit for the marriage. Martha is the one that refused to do anything to help the marriage. And I guess… right or wrong… it just feels like an injustice. I worked my ass off. I showed grace and patience. I did everything I could to be the best husband I could be. I went for years without sexual contact. I went for years without so much as a kiss or hug. I went for months without an “I love you.” But I held on because I wanted the marriage to work. Well, I finally stopped holding on. I finally accepted that without her also working, it wasn’t going to work at all. So now I’ve let the rope go slack and she didn’t pick it up. And it feels like I’m the one being punished for it. “You tried so hard, and did so much to try to save your marriage. It didn’t work out. For your hard work, you’ve won emotional baggage and sitting on the sidelines while your wife replaces you like a worn out shoe. Congratulations.”

So yeah. Once again, I do the right thing. I refuse to rush into another relationship because I accept that I have some emotional baggage to work through. So once again, the right thing is about waiting and not getting and not having.

And that’s also an emotional baggage element pissing me off.

My life has been a sequence of trying to do the right thing… at all times. Waiting, being sensitive to other people’s needs and wants. Foregoing for myself so that others could have. Every step of my life there was “because it is the right thing to do.” Not having sex until there is a firm commitment? Because it is the right thing to do. Giving your crush “space” because she needed to heal after her sexual assault? Because it is the right thing to do. Abandoning a crush because she was already living with another guy? Because it is the right thing to do. Working on your marriage through better or worse? Because it is the right thing to do. Never pursuing another woman no matter how bad the marriage got? Because it is the right thing to do. Waiting until I’m emotionally healthier before dating? Because it is the right thing to do.

FUCK, man. I’d kind of like one magic genie 24 hour period. Something where I could do whatever I wanted with no lasting consequences and anything I wanted to do or have would be as easy as asking for it. Just… NOT “doing the right thing” all the time. Because it hasn’t exactly worked out.

Even here, I get interrupted by work.

State Trooper investigating an accident with fatalities. Kid blows through a stop sign and kills two people. Kid wasn’t drinking. Claims he didn’t see the stop sign. Two people are dead. Kid is beloved by the community.

Our office says… “His age doesn’t matter. His status doesn’t matter. He committed a public offense (running the stop sign) and killed two people. That’s a crime.”

The State Trooper visited to “argue on behalf of the kid” to see if we wouldn’t “change our minds.” I’m… yeah. I’m God Damned Offended by that. I kept my cool. Showed him the wording of the law. Reminded him that two people are dead. Encouraged him to discuss the law with his union rep and my boss if there were more concerns. But… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! When did we become a society where we so desperately don’t want to hold people accountable?! The Trooper kept saying, “The kid wasn’t drunk and I don’t think he intended to run that stop sign.” I turned it around. If you pulled over someone going 65 miles per hour in a 55 miles per hour zone who just ran a stop sign… if that person said “I didn’t mean to” would you apologize and walk back to your car, or would you give that kid a ticket? The law doesn’t say “Intentionally broke the law and killed two people”… it says “broke the law at all and that action resulted in the death of another.” Which is what we have here.

I mean, sure… call me a calloused, mean spirited, cold hearted person if you think that shoe fits. Because I’m sure the PTA is going to yell at me with shit like, “Well, those people are dead and that is truly tragic. But why do you have to ruin a poor High Schoolers life? Ruining that boy’s life isn’t going to bring those people back!” No, ma’am, it won’t. Just like prosecuting a murderer doesn’t bring back the murdered, prosecuting a rapist doesn’t make the victim unraped, and prosecuting a child abuser doesn’t unabuse the child. But by this boy’s actions, two people are dead. And something has to be done about that.