Little Mermaid in Journal 2020

Wolfie was nice today, he sent me some nice messages. I regret my crush I had on him so much, I only told him to help not make our friendship uncomfortable. He’s twenty three and I’d never date a twenty three year old. It’s just he confuses me with the things he says and I feel as if I where some floosy trying to get his pants now. I never tried and it never got that far but I feel immense guilt. He told me to stop worrying so I shall try.

I was very upset as Lili’s alter tore into me..I desperately tried not to cry as they said some hurtful things. I try not to be a bad person but they made my one mistake as if I where a demon. Speaking of demons I’m come to the descion anyone who is bad in my diary will be called that to avoid names or such here.

The demon kept yelling and stuff and by the end I decided that, I won’t engage with Lily anymore. It depressed me a lot but it’s for the best. I could never get mad at Lily – even though I want to - because she’s not to blame, I stressed her out and if I ever did I fear Kayden would instantly hate me. Because he loves her so much I know he’d chose Lily over me anytime (not that this is a bad thing I find it very sweet of him and heartfelt 💖 it proves how much he loves her and his Caring nature in my eyes.)

I got lots of kind messages from people but I want to lay in bed and dream. I’ve thought of myself as the Little mermaid, who lost her voice. Did I ever have it before? I highly doubt it to be honest with you. No one ever seems to truly understand with I mean. I thought about this during the verbal beating I recived, I can never express myself well.

I don’t know why this is the case. I hope it fixes itself soon. I’ve tried to work on it but it seems everytime I’m pushed back. But today just showed me that I am very much like the little mermaid, why I loved it so much as a toddler. Both of us eventually turn into foam in our oldest iterations. She did because no one believed her in the end and saw her as replaceable. The prince replaceable her with another woman, who didn’t have her charm or personality.

This caused her heart to break and disentegrate. She died cold and alone, having lost everyone who ever cared for her intentionally and unintentionally. I don’t think I’ll do from romantic heartbreak, but just heartbreak in general. Today I suffered a heartbreak unlike any other before. It reminded me of when I suffered my very first betrayal, one so strong that I still hate the person who did it.

Typing is hard now as my chest aches and I feel like crying. I’m tearing up and I’m blinking feverishly. It felt like a spit in the face if I’m being honest, or a slap. It came unexpected but fast. It’s the dull pain and reactions that leave you scarred. You don’t know what to do and you intionally want to fight back to save your pride. But u realize it’s already ruined as your face is damp with someone else’s saliva and there is a warm hand print on your cheek. So u just give up and go to clean up in the bathroom, full of shame and hatred you don’t know how fix.

So it curls up within toutself and Fester’s. Till you rip apart. And then you start to melt. Like as she melted I melted into foam. But it’s more of a…empathetic melt.

Last updated February 11, 2020