Relapse in Current Events

Last weekend my mother invited me over for a visit and the script I gave her was that she wanted to talk about herself. I was wrong it was an intervention. My life sucks and my situation is sad and scary and I am trying not to feel sad and scared which is exactly what I need to feel. I need to rumble with my feelings. Don’t deny it defy it. She felt horrible seeing me look so broken but I assured her that it was okay. She was full of advice and I decided to just take it all. My way of doing things is not working. I need help. I signed up with a transition centre for employment as she suggested. They will help me gain confidence and they will help me gear up my resume toward my next goal. However, they called me to talk about it first and they said that they had two requirements. I need to be unemployed, check. I need to have a specific objective for employment… not so check. Their orientation is once a month and when I signed up they had one the next day and I was not able to produce an objective within 24 hours so I’m signed up for the next one in three weeks. When I mentioned that I was aiming for retail she reminded me that they will not likely give me full-time hours. I have been avoiding management positions because I don’t feel confident that I can transition into it from restaurant to retail but maybe I should just throw caution to the wind and make that my objective. Assistant Manager. This centre holds two classes a week and I have nothing to lose so I’ll just do it. I really don’t want to but if I want to be my own woman one day then I will have to learn to suck shit up and deal with it.

The other part of my mother’s advice is that I join a support group for people with anxiety and depression. I really don’t want to do that but like I said, my way of doing things is not working. My mother is willing to drive me to my first appointment and sit with me if I should want that. I do not want that because it is embarrassing but again, doing things my way is not working. She’s looking for a group for me and I will take it from there. I don’t think I need to involve her too much in that. I suppose my mother has been out of the loop and I did not know that she was losing sleep over me. The way I am living my life right now obviously affects others. I’m too self-centred to see that. She doesn’t like the idea of me just sitting in this basement all day. I haven’t really been letting myself feel depressed. I cleave to any and every distraction as possible to pretend that this all isn’t happening to me.

So I had an action plan and I followed through with it. I had a slumber party with Bev and I gave her my Skyrim game to hang on to and then in the morning, I called around at all of the recent places that I applied at. I was getting discouraged because they were all snotty assholes to me on the phone telling me that everything is online. We will e-mail you if we’re interested. Bev was my moral support and was like, well now you know they will be assholes when you call so now you don’t have to worry about that. Just call and be ready for it. None of those calls worked in my favour. Did that affect my ambitions? How I see the world? Not so much. I didn’t hang on to any resentment. I did make a huge list of places to apply to this week. I will make it happen. Also, I got to sit in with Bev on one of her online classes which was pretty dope. She’s learning how to be a life coach and she sent me all of her material to read. I love that shit. I want a dietic license one day as well as a degree in life coaching. Use both to help people.

I did take a break from Prosebox. It was starting to feel weird reporting everything in my life to something. Also, I was licking my wounds so to speak. That intervention woke me right up.

So yeah, I don’t know how to live my life in a way that is not all about me but I will figure it out. I’ve stepped up around the house and I’ve been helping my sister juggle her life without any expectations. I’ve been spending so much time with my niece. I drop everything for her when she asks to spend time with me. Honestly, that puts some light back in my life. I stopped talking so much about myself, not that it was out of control. I’m not the me monster that I once was. I’m just making sure that I make the other person the star of my show. I know how it feels to feel understood so I just listen to understand everybody. Not that I’m having that many interactions with people lol. It’s a conscious effort though so it feels different.

It’s been over a month since I had alcohol. Can you believe? I’m not an alcoholic or anything. I lost a friend that was like a big brother to me to that disease. I know what that looks like and that is not where I was at with alcohol. However, big things have small beginnings and I was starting to question what job I was giving alcohol. So I took a break from my gaily glass(es) of wine. Also, it’s been over a week since I used porn. Such a weird thing to talk about but I didn’t realize that I was addicted to it until I tried to stop. I sound like I am giving up everything that gives me pleasure and in a way I kind of am. I’m avoiding… avoiding. I fill myself up with distractions so that I don’t have to be left alone with myself. I can’t live with myself. That is the core of attachment issues. Allegedly. When pursuing happiness we tend to fall for its identical twin sister pleasure. If one pursues purpose then happiness will grow within you instead of trying to find it in the world. Allegedly.

Another thing that I seemed to have stopped doing is exercise. It’s been over a week. It was more distractions, now that I see that I don’t have the same relationship with it. I will approach it again soon but with a different mindset…? I sound weird! I just see my behaviours so differently now. I told myself that I was trying to look fit and feel healthy but like, it feels good after a workout so I got to temporarily not feel bad about myself and my life. I found yet another attachment issue. God I’m a derp.

Step 10 of Russel Brands program is this: Watch out for fucked up thinking and behaviour and be honest when it happens. I did relapse with porn last night. I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I barely paid attention. I’ve had a cold all week. Actually, it’s the worst one I’ve ever had in my entire adulthood. I was wearing thermal pants under my sweats, a tank under a long sleeve shirt which was under a sweater which was under a housecoat and I was still wrapped up in a blanket. I also wore my beanie and had my hood up. I could not get warm yesterday. I just wanted to feel good so I caved with the porn lol. Is making excuses considered a talent? I’m hella creative with that. Also… yes I gave Bev my Skyrim game and I might be making excuses here but like… I downloaded Skyrim on my computer and the story I am telling myself is that I got rid of my reward for being a good girl. I spent the entire day and a half playing it while I was sick. Some of the textures started to disappear so I tried to fix it with mods and I don’t know what I am doing and now the game won’t open. Karma and I are good friends lol. Speaking of Karma, I had a dream about Curtis and Karamjeet last night. Curtis was a buffoon and dragged me to my old work where he started to befriend Karam. I tried to wait outside but I had to go in there to get him and Karam froze in her tracks and then stepped away like she was sad to see me. She knows that she betrayed me and as a narcissist, she did not like how it looked and her damage control failed to work so she fired everybody that knew me. There is no use for people whose minds you can’t control. I don’t know what that dream meant but fuck you Karam! How do I get her extradited? Clearly I have resentments with both Curtis and Karamjeet that I need to work through.

Bev gave me a mantra that I will use for 2020. I have to grab my oar and get out of bed.
O-ownership
A-accountability
R-responsibility

B-blame
E-excuses
D-denial/lack of responsibility

I think it speaks for itself. I don’t have to mansplain it. I should go live my life now. I feel a lot better. I think the worse of this cold is behind me. Also, it probably sounds weird that I keep calling myself a woman or a girl but like, my life is full of strong women who are trying to help and support me. I am grateful but I am starting to see how I am manipulative. We’re all manipulative, it’s not just for monsters and I noticed the pattern a while ago that when the going gets tough I get melodramatic and it’s always a woman in my life who steps in to help. That’s exactly what I did as a kid and here I am as an adult. Throwing a “tantrum” to get my way. It only feels manipulative to me because I watch too much content about narcissists and it is empathic, nurturing people that always get suckered into their games. I’m not a narcissist or sociopath but I do have a history of using their tools and playing their mind games. I am self-seeking, selfish and self-centred at my core and I want to be better than that. Anyways, the moral of the story is that I want to be my own hero and stand on my own two feet. Be my own woman lol.

Oh! My story! Absolutely every single “teacher” of mine tells me that I need to own my story. Brene Brown! Mel Robbins! Russel Brand! Even the woman that my mother introduced me to on YouTube who talks about resumes! All of them need me to own my story and I don’t know how! I don’t know how to tell my story. I am overthinking it I know. I am underthinking it really. I’ll get there eventually. I’ll innerstand, outerstand, overstand and understand life and myself one day. If I’m lucky. Wow, this entry is a hot mess. Yas sue me.