Letter #2 in Him

For the past few weeks, I’ve been a wreck in my feelings. Partly due to monthly hormonal problems, partly because I haven’t been drinking. Partly because I got set off because I did a dumb thing and watched one of your videos, particularly, the NYE edition. I was curious about the content,  but also wanted to hear BH’s voice because I do not believe I had ever heard him speak.

Anyway, I was listening to you talk about your 2019. Fast forward to the part about you and wifey getting closer. Ok. That’s cool. But I then thought, well if that’s the case, what are we doing?

For me, this will always come back to you being a married man now, and I feel some kind of way about, once again, being that chick content to be on the side. Sometimes it’s knowingly, most times unknowingly. It takes me back to a place where I wonder why do I always have to be the secret? I think I’m good for other things, too. I’ve often been caught up, feeling and thinking things are cool only to find, I’m not the only one or I wasn’t ever the one. This is a major insecurity of mine. In our case, I know what it is and I knew what it was, but I’ve reprised this role and, at the end of the day, it’s wrong. I mean the thrill of us connecting again was exciting, familiar and feels great, but in the down time and I’m chilling by myself, I’m by myself. I don’t often get lonely, but when I do it stings. To think of the person I have the utmost affection/love for and realize that he full time has someone and I’m just…here. 
We’ve gone much longer not speaking or communicating, and I realize that the longest has been since you’ve been married. I was trying to stay in my lane and out of your way, so I could heal and get myself in check because I missed you and our friendship, because none of that mattered. But this stretch, it “hit different”. It was like you dropped out of sight. I’m thinking to myself, “well you’ve dropped some heavy nuggets on him, showing him what you’ve written, what you think, what’s in your heart, perhaps you should dial it back.” The nothing continued and I really can’t question that. But the feelings have been stirred and I’m just…uuuggh. I’ve been feeling stupid, foolish, angry, sad. I’m not naive about your marital situation no matter how much I want to pretend. (meaning you are doing what needs to be done to maintain peace and a loving environment because you live there, that’s your “forever home” yes?) At the end of the day, you have someone, a wife, not just some random girlfriend and me? Playing this position, I stay getting crumbs. Coupled with the fact that I’ve been trying to reconcile how I feel for you with this right life I’m trying to live, I’m in a bit of a state. Is it fair? Of course not. Should I settle for the bits I get? What are my options? What do I do? This is what I wrestle with. This is why my responses, when you have reached out, have been flip. This is why my response to rawr was, “I saw Val yesterday.” What do I do? Dru Hill had a song with the lyrics, “I can put away the pictures, I can push the dreams aside, but I just can’t seem to put you out of my mind.” Then goes on to say, “I can clear out all the closets. Leave your things outside the door. But I just can’t seem to not love you anymore.” 

You are hard to let go of, but what am I holding on to? The nostalgia of what we were? What is it that you miss? You are not bad person. You are just that guy that everyone wants a part of, wants to be around. I’m just broken and messed up.

I don’t know what this is or what to do, but I do know that I picked the wrong time to stop drinking.