Court today, it was dismissed. in Since OD is shutting down....

I don't even know how to begin to talk about this. Basically it got dismissed because since there was a "warranty" and I didn't take the car back to him after him keeping it from me for 2 months and all the shit he put me through, it was my bad for just getting rid of it as it was unsafe and mechanically in rough shape. You could tell the judge had her mind made up before I had even walked in. I wasted all kinds of money, time, hassle and sleep to sue this person, hoping for some justice and got none. I hope this person feels great about himself and how much shit he got away with. The mechanic showed up but he didn't speak and was apparently talking to ass face outside afterwards, he made it incredibly clear that he did nothing more than play both sides of the fence the entire time, right up until the very end.

I can say that I will never completely get over this but I have to find a good healthy way to overcome it. I am a complete and utter wreck, as I've cried off and on all day, I stormed out of the courtroom and burst into tears waiting for the elevator. I just can't believe that this person lied to me, manipulated me, overcharged me, wouldn't even allow me to get my personal property out of the car while he kept it away from me, didn't have to give me back my old tranny and got away with it all.

Maybe I deserved this for some reason. Maybe it was to teach me to never trust anyone, maybe to never get too attached to anything again...I just have to put it behind me at least for the most part and just hope to God something like this never happens to me again. I just keep going over it and over in my head hoping I will be able to understand why this person did this to me and what it's going to take for me to ever completely accept that I don't have to have that car in my life anymore because of that guy but somehow, I have to.

I am very relieved that it's over. This has been a total of 5 months of my life and I just want to put it behind me and not be so angry and heartbroken. I know that everything happens for a reason but it still bothers me that I don't have that car anymore. After 8 years, I was completely attached and loved having my car paid off, it was mine no one could take it from me. Then, I end up paying someone thousands of dollars to ruin my life and for no other reason other than they could. It just doesn't make any sense.

My biggest thing now is guilt. I just feel so guilty about the way I treated people while this went on and how I just didn't care about anything else. I really do appreciate my Mom and my friend for being there today and have been by my side throughout this entire ordeal and I will be forever grateful for them being there to listen to me cry, scream and be nothing more than a fucking basketcase.

Now, I just have to put the whole thing behind me. Even now when I think about it, it just doesn't seem real. It still seems like it just had to have been nothing more than a bad dream. It was everything I never thought could or would happen and it just scares me that this guy did all the things he did and had to take absolutely no responsibility for it whatsoever. He lied, he stole, he kept my vehicle from me and all of it was legal. Wow.

After court, I got to spend time with my Mother for the first time in several months and it was enjoyable, other than my Dad calling her constantly bugging her to go home because he's a fucking control freak and doesn't think she should ever be out of the house any longer than necessary but we went to lunch, got food and stuff from my Dad's Mother, went to Goodwill and just talked. She cried and told me that it hurts her that I'm so unhappy and that I need to start being more positive. I know that she's right. I felt so bad because my Mother is very depressed and had her life ruined by someone as well and here she was trying to cheer me up. I felt so bad. I know that I need to look at the good things in my life like my car, the fact that people at my job like me, that I have a place to live. I have to start to have a new appreciation for what I do have instead of dwelling on shit I can't change.

I've realized that because of the car thing, losing the man I loved, not getting to see my niece and having no real emotional attachment to my family...I don't like myself. I've managed to gain back a shit ton of weight and am at 330 pounds. I hate what I see in the mirror, I hate that food has become my crutch, my happiness and my escape. I hate myself for letting the shit around me make me give up on getting healthy and made me just completely give up. I get sick of hearing how I'm a great person, awesome sense of humor, blah blah blah but yet I'm still by myself! If I was as great and terrific as people say I am, things wouldn't be the way they are!!!

It's just crazy that even with being completely comfortable at my job, going to school and having at least my Mom and my friend in my life, I'm still considerably unhappy. I understand now more than ever that I need to make some serious changes. My health is an extreme concern due to my weight and if I were to lose a decent amount, not only would I look better, be more comfortable in my own skin but my health would improve significantly.

I did really good for about 2 weeks but just wasn't seeing results fast enough, got depressed and then got sick so I started eating like shit again but I have got to make a real commitment to losing weight and stick with it. Part of the reason why it's hard is due to being a diabetic and can only go so long without food without having a low so when I'm at work, I tend to eat whatever I can get my hands on and it's never really healthy. I've been getting better at eating salad but it's just not filling enough. I just don't know what I'm going to do about my eating situation while I'm at work. Even when I take granola bars or whatever, it's just not filling enough.

I just don't know what to do. I just feel stuck. I've lived like this and in this mindset for so long, it's hard to think outside the box. I understand now more than ever why I need to be single to focus on myself which I've succeeded for the most part with working and going to school but now I need to figure out how to start losing weight. I honestly hate what I see when it's time to look in the mirror, how shitty I feel physically and I just have to change it.

College. Next semester I'm supposed to be taking 5 classes, the earliest would be at 9am. I'm concerned because it's going to be a lot more than what I'm used to and on top of working. I worry that I'm not going to be able to handle it. I struggle to handle everything now. I need to make some decisions. I love my job and it's easy but I know I'm not planning to be there forever so I don't want to quit school but I'm just scared that I will be spreading myself too thin and won't be able to give my all to school and to work. Again, if my car was paid off it wouldn't be such a hard decision but yeah.....

Ugh. I feel like I've been in a car wreck. My eyes are swollen from crying and I have one helluva headache. I was talking to my friend Kevin about things yesterday and told him about how I feel about myself, how I will buy stupid random shit to feel better..just everything and he said that I should volunteer somewhere so I'm going to see about walking dogs at the Humane Society because I love animals and would love to spend time with them but it's just heartbreaking to know that I can't rescue any of them and they may die there. That thought alone makes me cry and not want to do it but at least if I was walking them and petting them, I'm making what time they do have at least better.

I'm so glad I got today over with. I've been dreading it for so long. I knew that more than likely the outcome wouldn't be in my favor and at least I'm not sitting around having to stress about it anymore.

Not sure what else to write about. I just feel awful about the shit I put people through due to the car situation and now I just want to make it up to everyone. It completely rocked me and I just feel bad for making everyone listen to me cry and scream everyday because it made me so fucking miserable. I just want to become a better person and not be so wrapped up in my own misery anymore. I have nothing to be miserable about anymore and I honestly want to be happy.

I am depressed and I think I know why and I think it's because I have let other peoples actions and words get to me and stay with me. I don't just let things roll off my back. I have spent a lot of time being depressed over not getting to see my niece, being over weight, not having the right friends blah blah blah but being depressed hasn't changed anything, it hasn't made people do or say the things I have hoped for but has merely done nothing but hurt me in every way it possibly could have.

For me, there's just no reason to be depressed anymore. I think as soon as I accept everything for what it is, the happier I'll be. I can't control what other people do or don't do but I can control how I react. Being depressed because my ex broke my heart doesn't hurt him but has affected me negatively and has made me feel like the most horrible person on the planet instead of realizing it was him, he even said that. I accept that we won't be together ever again or probably ever see or speak to each other ever again and I know that it's what's best for me. I put up with way more shit that I should have when in reality, the best thing I could have done for ME is to have told him to kick rocks. I didn't deserve his critical, demeaning bullshit but I chose to put up with it. I will NEVER do that again. I will be with someone who respects me and can treat and speak to me like an actual human being or they will nothing more than a memory, just like he is.

Anyway, I can't change the past but I can ruin my future by letting my past be so much a part of my every day like I've been doing. I need to start looking around and realize just how fucking beautiful life is and that everyday is a gift as none of us are promised tomorrow. Even though I don't have my ex that I loved just so much and the car that I loved even more, I still have plenty to be grateful for. I still have a great car, a pretty good Mom, a job where I'm comfortable and for the most part happy with, a good friend and I'm finally in college that has been a dream that I never thought would be my reality.

I think after my ex breaking my heart and having to lose my car, I have my eyes wide open now. I think I'll be a lot more aware of what's going on and listen more. I just have to take it as a lesson learned and just realize that I will make better choices in the future.

Alright so I think I'm gonna take my sleep aid, brush my teeth and start getting ready for bed. I got up this morning very tired and now I'm even more tired from crying all day so now I'm just ready to go lay down, watch tv and just chill.