LachrymoseBeauty
My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot. All of these journals are intended to remain anonymous. If you somehow discover my identity please be respectful and keep this space and my thoughts private.
Entries 250
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The Voice in Phoenix Rises Again
Theres a voice in the back of my head screaming at me. Its saying I should be with Jay. And what am I even doing being so far from him. What if he needs me? But it’s all lies. It’s just a delusio...
Wesley in Phoenix Rises Again
Every time I see you, you smell more enticing than the last. All I want is to be on your lap, as close as I can be, my body pressed to yours. I want to kiss you passionatly and delight in the tas...
Woke up on the wrong side in Phoenix Rises Again
I’m feeling like hell today. I miss Jay so much and I hate it because I know he isnt missing me. I’ve been overwhelmingly horny but I trust nobody with my body. I feel alone and lost. Im working ...
What the actual hell in Phoenix Rises Again
So here I am at Wesley’s. After a long drawn out argument that I’m pretty sure accomplished very little. He invites me over and asks me to bring smokes. Then he says he suddenly got heartburn and...
And Another Thing! in Phoenix Rises Again
I’m pissed at Wesley. I’m hormonal and unreasonable and pissed. I’ll get over it. What bothers me: 1. He kept his eyes closed during sex and it made me feel ugly and unwanted and irrelevant. Yes,...
God, I need your help again. in Phoenix Rises Again
It’s me, Phoenix. I know I’m here for a reason. I know I’m supposed to be making a difference. But.. am I doing it right? So heres this guy… with a bad past. Hes probably lieing about everything....
Lately in Phoenix Rises Again
So my journal entries may say alot about my beautiful irish friend and I figure he better have a name. So we will call him Wesley. Wesley is in a bad mood again. His BPD is really fucking with hi...
Sweet Dreams lead to dissapointing mornings in Short Thoughts
Had an amazing dream about Jay last night. Now I dont want to be awake. I’d rather just dream of him forever. We could be close again, in my dreams.
The Need to Cry in All About Hikaru/Yuki
I thought I’d cry last night. In the middle of that crowded show. I thought I’d really just bring down. Instead I got high. And made incredibly innapropriate remarks all night. Now I have trouble...
Wow, really?? in All About Hikaru/Yuki
So a certain user on prosebox, MyDronedLife, has taken it upon herself to think she is the fucking voice of God and told me that losing my baby was God’s way of punishing me for choosing to have ...
Triploidy in All About Hikaru/Yuki
Turns out it’s not Trisomy 13.... its triploidy. Instead of an extra 13th chromosome, my baby has a whole extra set. My sweet Yuki. They said she’s actually a boy because she has a ‘y’ chromosome...
She's dieing in All About Hikaru/Yuki
Today my little Yuki barely had a heartbeat. She’s dieing. They don’t think she will survive another week. How will I tell my son his baby sister died? How will I keep going like nothing’s wrong?...
Unsatisfied in All About Hikaru/Yuki
Tick tock, tick tock. Time moves so slow. Anxiously awaiting results from the amnio. Almost a whole week to go still. And I cant get comfortable unless I’m laying in bed or a bathtub. Its infuria...
Stress in All About Hikaru/Yuki
I’ve been more and more stressed out. Especially about little things. This fucking house never being clean and organized no matter how hard I try is at the top of the list. Always forgetting wher...
The struggle between nesting and exhaustion in All About Hikaru/Yuki
I’ve been in the nesting mood. Lord knows this house needs it. Unfortunatly I’m entirely too tired to accomplish much most of the time. I usually crash real hard after I pick up my son from schoo...
Ssdd in Short Thoughts
I wish I wasnt alone tonight. I’m depressed. I also dont want to bother anyone. Most people couldnt be bothered anyway.
Its like that in Short Thoughts
Tell me what I can’t do And I’ll show you the difference between me and you.
Unexpected in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
Then suddenly as I’m headed to hay for the night I see the words on my screen. So unexpected. My heart lurched and I stared at the screen, blinked, looked away, then stared again. Still there. Yo...
Must be the meds. in Short Thoughts
My mind is on cloud nine but my body.... Just wont move from this chair.
Pondering in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
I’ve been thinking of you again tonight. Thinking of how I may come to be yours forever. Not your wife, of course, but yours in some other significant way. An ally, a close friend, someone who is...
If only Jay were here to smile them away. If only my beloved fox didnt have to go. If only I’d finally find that perfect someone who would stay forever. Hopeless. Struggling. Missing you. I hope...
Time in Short Thoughts
Seems like time is moving do fast, but my brain is just stuck. It doesn’t recognize the passing of time. I’ve accomplished alot in the last few years, but it always feels like I’m not accomplishi...
And poof gone in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
I wrote a lengthy entry about my life falling apart in the midst of an anxiety attack, but my phone died right before I finished. Oh well, if anyone interested I’m going through rough times and c...
Things to do this year in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
Better late than never… Go on a trip out of state, on my own. Travel out of the country if I can afford it. Fix the drywall in my house. Take myself on a date. Go swimming. Go rock climbing. Inv...
Why??? in Short Thoughts
Cant seem to get motivated to do anything lately. This has got to stop. Someone send me motivation. I cannot fail myself again. So many thoughts spinning in my head. I need to find a way, a retre...
