Entries 248

Page 3 of 10

My birthday started off with tears. Continued with the information that we arent doing Thanksgiving tomorrow. So I went and got all the Thanksgiving shit to do it myself. Seems like I have to do ...

---

Been super depressed lately. Everything that’s going on has hit me pretty hard. I’m always a little down right before my birthday. Historically a day thats gone unmarked since kindergarten. Every...

---

Just found out both my parents have covid. And a friend from back home. We are supposed to be going to have thanksgiving there. And my birthday. And to see Jay for the last time. Now my options a...

---

An old schoolmate can p on people you might now on facebook. Added him. We started chatting. I ended up pouring my heart out about all the ahit that’s happened the last couple years. Didnt really...

---

Remember when you used to steal my diary and read it? When you used to watch me? When you used to want to know every little thing happening in my life? When you couldn’t get enough of me? I wish ...

---

Looks like I’ve passed my mental illness to my son. I always knew it would happen but I thought it wouldnt happen this soon. Hes only 8. Friday at school I got a call from the nurse saying that h...

---

I feel incredibly uncomfortable with my current living arrangments but the chances of being able to save a new deposit for a place seem bleak, not to mention the cost of moving itself. And of cou...

---

Everything is getting to me today. I know none of it’s actually aimed at me but it still feels like it is. I wish I could turn that part if my brain off. Suddenly I’m too exhausted to have anythi...

---

It got bad again today. I tried really hard to fight it this time. I avoided hard. Every time I see your pictures now or here your voice recorded it doesnt soothe me anymore. Because I know soon ...

---

Jay’s band is disbanding. Over Thanksgiving break they will have their last show. And since it’s been the only place I can talk to him, this will be my last chance to do so. After this I will pro...

---

Kerrie has been super affectionate lately. Spent the night last night and she was all over me. I’m just not ready for that. I like her but I think shes already getting atatched to the idea of me ...

---

I’m about to move in with a cute girl I’ve known less than a week. And her kids. And her ex wife. And for some reason it all seems pretty peaceful and chill. This is probably a terrible idea. But...

---

Met a cute girl on Bumble a few days ago. Now we are going over for dinner tomorrow and discussing the possibility of my son and I moving in. I’ve heard of uhaul on the 2nd date but this is madne...

---

This cant be goodbye. But I’m the one who left. Miss you so much today. Wesley cant make it go away.

---

I dont feel like hosting a party and being a Mistress and finding an apartment and getting back to work. I dont feel like fending off a somewhat innapropriate boss and fighting with case managers...

---

I dont feel like I have an outlet for my emotions right oow or any moral support from anyone. This is all eating me alive.

---

Already feeling shitty about my last post. I shouldn’t care right? It’s my damn journal not a PR blog or some shit.

---

I started watching a show on Netflix about a stalker. I think it’s called ‘You’. It reminded me hands down of Jay. . . And made me miss him. So heres the thing. I know he’d be thrilled to death t...

---

Today, several times I mentioned to Wesley, casually, that I wasnt okay mentally, that I was having trouble keeping my mind present, that I just need to relax and make it through tomorrow. Every...

---

I feel like I’m under performing, not meeting my own standards, feel like a lazy fuck who will never accomplish anything. I need forward motion. I need to fix my medicaid, find a therapist. It’s ...

---

And here I am thinking about you again Jay. Seeing you on the internet and always wishing for more of you. Not more of your face or your body. More of your words, your eyes, your voice. A more ge...

---

I’m getting real tired of people at work looking at me with condescending eyes and talking to me in a completely asshole way. It’s not the patients. They are aight. It’s the nurses and other CNAs...

---

Feels like the days are all blending together. I work. I pay bills. I watch tv. I come home to a messy, empty house. I need to find something to look forward to every week. I’m numb. All these bo...

---

Theres a voice in the back of my head screaming at me. Its saying I should be with Jay. And what am I even doing being so far from him. What if he needs me? But it’s all lies. It’s just a delusio...

---

Every time I see you, you smell more enticing than the last. All I want is to be on your lap, as close as I can be, my body pressed to yours. I want to kiss you passionatly and delight in the tas...

---