LachrymoseBeauty
My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot. All of these journals are intended to remain anonymous. If you somehow discover my identity please be respectful and keep this space and my thoughts private.
Entries 248
Page 1 of 10
Im Scared in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
Scared to hope. Is this God sending me a hand. The life rope I’ve been begging for? Or am I jumping to conclusions, wanting so desperately for a way out? Is this a test to see if I’ve learned be...
'Here for You" in Short Thoughts
I should know better than to vent to people who tell me I can vent to them and they will always be there if I want to talk. All the most well meaning people get dragged down by hearing my proble...
Whats this? in Short Thoughts
Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck in a monotonous hellscape. None of my choices seem to matter. Things seem to go badly no matter what I do so why do I keep trying? I’m alone and disconnected fr...
Jays Happiness in Short Thoughts
You know Jay, sometimes seeing you happy with her made me a bit jealous. Sometimes a tad bitter. But it did something more for me. It reminded me that you were okay. Even though I treated you ba...
The Feelings I Miss, You Made Me Feel in Project Self
Important Special Loved Understood Wanted Unique Capable Desirable Strong Courageous Kind Human Eternal Needed
Vision in Project Self
I am in a warm place I am making something I smell sweet food I hear animals I taste salt I feel clay I see colors I hear fire I hear water I smell trees I smell books I have someone to share my...
Shadow in Project Self
Selfish Foolish Mean Lazy Ungreatful Closed Judgemental Rude Prejudiced Hateful
I am in Project Self
I am resilient I am lonely I am an artist I am creative I am smart I am loving I am messy I am a small part of a bigger story I am alive I am stubborn
Why? in Short Thoughts
What is my purpose? Why am I here? Why am I still alive? When will it be okay to just give up? I’m so tired. I just want to be done.
If You Were Here in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
I wish I could take you up on that offer you made so long ago to talk to God for me. I wish you’d pray for me and ask God to send me a partner. Someone who would be a good match for me and make m...
Mentally Tired in All About Hikaru/Yuki
There’s this persistent feeling of ill ccontent.Im not sure how to describe it. I’m always tired no matter how much I feel. My brain feels warm and swollen and floaty. I can’t concentrate. Can’t ...
Many Christians do not support gay marriage because they are hung up on the idea that a successful relationship must be between a man and a woman. What they fail to see is that gender identity is...
Saving Up Happiness in Phoenix Rises Again
The day I saw the announcement for your band’s last show I cried so hard and long that I woke up the next morning with my eyes swollen shut. It isn’t the music I mourned for the loss of. The musi...
Leaving the light on in Phoenix Rises Again
And the door open. Just in case you want to step through it again. Always hoping to hear from you. Hoping you will come back even though I know you probably won’t. Can you blame me for hoping? Wh...
Happy Birthday in Phoenix Rises Again
Not really. It was pretty dissapointing. That’s what I get for having expectations or hope. Not the worst birthday I’ve had but Not a good one either. The morning started without meds. Gotta pick...
Reality is Cruel in Phoenix Rises Again
I sometimes feel myself slipping back into delusion. Just daydreaming, drifting into a more exciting world. There I feel powerful and special. I feel like I have a destiny. But it’s all just make...
It's all grey in Phoenix Rises Again
Been super depressed the last couple of days. Don’t know that there’s anyone I feel comfortable talking to about it anymore. Friends that you think will be there for you forever, no matter what, ...
It Hurts Again in Phoenix Rises Again
I wonder how she would react if she found out you asked for my hand in marriage while you were dating her? Just a tease. Get a girl’s hopes up. Then I had to watch you propose to her. With the ri...
Just in Case Anyone Was Wondering in Phoenix Rises Again
Broke up with my girlfriend. It was anticlimactic. Getting close to being caught up in one class while shipping behind in the other. My advisor doesn’t seem to know how to do her job. My therapis...
My Story Currently in Phoenix Rises Again
I feel I have gotten to the point where nobody cares about the story of my past. It’s not the book they are reading, just backstory of the characters. They are looking at me and hoping the book t...
Buckle Up its Gonna Suck in Phoenix Rises Again
It’s hard to sleep when you know your baby’s body might be on display in a tube of formaldehyde like some kind of sick art exhibit. How exactly do I explain that kind of pain to anyone? I’m just ...
I Didnt Even Tell You in Short Thoughts
Because you dont care either. Indifferent. My good friend died last week. Suddenly. My birthday buddy. Hes been around so long. I assumed he always would be. We had plans. We were in the process ...
Does it Work? in Phoenix Rises Again
A woman said the strangest thing to me the other day. We were talking about prayer. She asked if I prayed and I told her I did and she says, “does it work?” It took me a while to process the que...
Fuck this in Phoenix Rises Again
Got super anxiety today during a video chat with Chey. I dont think it was about the call or about her. I think it was always there and I’ve just been burying it and distracting myself with phone...
Fuck this feeling in Phoenix Rises Again
Got super anxiety today during a video chat with Chey. I dont think it was about the call or about her. I think it was always there and I’ve just been burying it and distracting myself with phone...
