Entries 196

Page 4 of 8

Self-isolation is nothing new to me. It’s something I have been doing on and off (mostly on) for a lot of my adult life. Forced self-isolation doesn’t feel so great, though. And I’m not completel...

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So, yeah, I honestly don’t feel like I have PTSD anymore. Like, I don’t have the crippling-anxiety-hyperventilating-might-be-about-to-die bad memory flashbacks anymore. The memories are still the...

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I was told that many times, by many men. I am hard to love. I believed that for a long time. Hell, I think a part of me still believes it. All the time, I think to myself, “Don’t do that, you’ll ...

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After almost a month off due to crazy neck and head shit, I got to go back to work today. I made it 5 hours without much pain. Mostly back and neck spasms and a dull little headache. I think this...

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Vote as if… Your skin is not white. Your parents need medical care. Your spouse is an immigrant. Your land is on fire. Your child is transgender. Your house is flooded. Your sister is a victim of...

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And I certainly never expected or imagined it. This… me. Who I am now. (this is just who i am now) So, three weeks ago, I had another LSD experience. It was… everything. Transcendent. Absolute pe...

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… you have a complete meltdown on your almost-12-year-old son because you realize in the middle of your lecture that you shouldn’t be surprised at all by his shitty ass behavior. All he’s ever se...

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I’m recognizing some behaviors that I’m not certain I should maintain. They feel… trained. Like, I was taught to be this way, to feel this way, and maybe I shouldn’t… I get bad feelings sometimes...

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That was a thing I never allowed myself to be. Once in awhile, she’d leak out a little, but I always had to stuff her back in her box and keep her quiet because… Well, we all know why. Every tim...

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I think I never learned what boundaries were in the terms of which I think of them now, as an adult. The concept of personal boundaries is fairly new to me, actually. Like, maybe in the last year...

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Most of this copied from here. Edited out a bit about childbirth because nope. I deserve a lover who opens my book, thumbs my pages, and reads my soul. A lover who gets my central theme, my esse...

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I was going to title this entry “Fear,” but I realized that my fears are rooted in insecurities. My dad died. Of course I’m depressed. I can tell myself, and everyone else, that he’s better off n...

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I have no parent now. My dad died early Saturday morning. I got the call from my sister at about 6pm Saturday night. Because, you know, she had to call everyone else first and also make a point o...

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I feel like I keep messing up. I don’t talk about the right things, or say the right things sometimes. I feel like it annoys you and then I ask myself, “Who should I be so as not to annoy him?” A...

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It’s been 6 days since my second LSD trip. I am not experiencing the same effects as the first time, the lack of anxiety, the euphoria. I mean, I am, but not as intensely. Also, I have no idea wh...

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I just got back from 5 days in Chicago. First of all, I had the most incredible, interesting, fun, happy, and sad vacation of my life. I think if there is a human emotion that exists, I experienc...

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I did the stupid thing and went on the internet to diagnose myself. I actually filled out this questionnaire and scored… well… pretty fucking high. This questionnaire scores you on the Dissociati...

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I don’t know why, but that phrase is stuck in my head. Sometimes it feels like the old me died and this is my life after death, a life I never expected to have. Very surprising, this whole thing....

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A lot of things are happening. A lot of thoughts and ideas and decisions, a lot of changes, in myself and in my world. So, so many emotions. I’m having an anxiety attack right now. An old-fashio...

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Sometimes I have to realize something, really think about it and actively process it, and sometimes I have to force myself to accept that a person that I love is actually pretty toxic to me and m...

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I have spent my entire life feeling weird, out of place, never fitting in or feeling like I belonged anywhere. I was raised to have low self-esteem, and grew into prime pickings for abusive narci...

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I have one. I’ve probably written about her, I don’t really know. Actually, in this journal as it exists today, there may be no mention. I can’t recall and can’t be bothered to look. Anyway, she’...

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I do that a lot. I reach out to people when I feel I need them, or if I think I can be helpful to them in some way, or just to have a random conversation. As someone who has suffered with suicida...

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I’m still who I was, but different. I don’t know if it’s OCD or what, but I get stuck on things. Weird, random things. You know those articles you see on Facebook, like “World’s Creepiest Abando...

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Suddenly, it seems, I am able to process thoughts and emotion at lightning speed. A thought pops into my head and, immediately, I am able to identify its source and eliminate the negative emotion...

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