youjusd0ntkn0
“I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories
Entries 101
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The worst day of my life probably wasn’t today, but it was a close second. As an investor and manager of the salon I work in, I had to fire two people. Which isn’t the worst thing that I have do...
The Crazy. in Musings
The questions linger. I hear them repeat themselves in my mind. Over and over. On the outside I’m a ball of sunshine. On the inside I’m so consumed with the balancing act of keeping up a happy d...
The Love of Pain. in Musings
You ever have that nagging voice in your head. It tells you to do it, but you know you’re going to be disappointed either way. If it’s the news you want it doesn’t really make you happy, if it’s ...
Too Old To Care. in Musings
I went to the ABC Furniture store in the Bronx. Luiz came along with me and one of my friends who lives in the Bronx, she met up with me. Personally, I don’t make it my business to prepare anyo...
i'm beyond repair. in Musings
welcome to the Andy motel. you will be appreciated. you will be welcomed, loved and held. you will be ripped off of your comfort and thrown out when i feel like you are getting too close. I know...
That Night I Realized. in Musings
i feel like all of my entries here are snippets of all of the men i’ve loved, tried to love, failed to love and will love. luiz is still that guy that i don’t know how to fit in the puzzle of the...
I'm Fucking Drunk. I Almost Died. YOLO. in Musings
Surfing in the cold NY ocean is not necessarily something that I want to do. Actually, the only thing I do outdoors is brunch. So what? I sat in the sand, watching him surf around in the belliger...
Mr. Sniffles and I. in Musings
Luiz. i don’t know what is it is about boys and me. maybe i give amazing blowjobs and i’m the best fuck of there life. maybe it’s that i might do slutty, porn star things but it clashes with my i...
he stood there in the dark. i don’t know how i spoke to him because he scared me. he wasn’t the typical boy i talk to. he had gauges. his arms and chest were full of tattoos. all i remember is h...
the maddening of mads. in Musings
after 4 glasses of wine. two make-out sessions that almost ended up in the bathroom. hundreds of “im sorry” one 13.85 uber ride. i had sex with Mads. i’ve felt his dick in my hand, but i’ve neve...
Drunken words are sober thoughts in Musings
Drunken words are sober thoughts. That is something I will never budge on. Ever. Mads and I will never work out because when he looks at me, I remind him of someone who died. Someone he loved. A...
The Rants of Mads. in Musings
The halls of my salon remind me of drugs. I don’t know how many educated cocaine addicts there are in the world… Most likely a lot because it’s an expensive high. I feel like I am a super well ed...
psychopath memoir. in Musings
“You don’t fucking know what you do to people Andy” Mads said angrily putting his arm abruptly around my waist. “You fucking really don’t know how you affect people!” he said pushing me forward i...
and then I slept with him. in Musings
The last few weeks that are warm in NYC. We all try to cram as much outdoor dining, drinking and happiness before we all go into hibernation for the next 8 months. It never ceases to amaze me how...
wat i think in Musings
“You prick, I’m here bro! I love you! I fucking love you!” he said pouring down the wine bottle down the sink “understand you fucking spoiled prick!” he said slamming the bottle into the sink as ...
Re-building Rome. in Musings
I feel that after a really messed up break up, I become lost and use sex as a coping mechanism. It’s one of those things that I’ve realized from the many disastrous break-ups. I drown myself in ...
Beautiful Stranger. in Musings
I always write about it. I always hear guys tell me the same shit, one after the other. I’m a cynical New Yorker and I just have a hunch the type of guy I am, and they’re just looking for a plac...
I slept with Shane, Alex, my ex-husband’s, best friend. i know it sounds like i was being spiteful, vindictive and a fucking total whore. and maybe i had one two, too many drinks. but he came up...
The Final Goodbye. in Musings
I went out for dinner and catch up with my friends. I really haven’t seen them in so long. All they really know is that I ended up in the hospital for a pill overdose. I actually haven’t even see...
The House of Smoke and Mirrors. in Musings
I was just looking at my previous entry. I hesitated to do so because I didn’t really want to believe I said those things on paper. It’s scary. It’s scary now because it’s actually real. Like it...
So here I tell you the truth. Remember how I say that I only let you know what I want you to know? Honestly, I earned my own money. And after Christopher and I broke up… He left me a chunk of mo...
about your dumb ass, ignorant comments. in Musings
My mother lives in the shit part of town. I grew up in the shittiest neighborhood and for some reason I survived because I was charismatic. The crackheads looked up to me. The alcoholics protect...
glamping sucks in Musings
alex and i went “glamping” with some of our friends and his bestie, Shane and his newest conquest. Shane really has a bad, bad rap sheet on dating—he always goes for the same type of guy, super, ...
Money is F------ cheap! in Musings
maybe it’s me or the culture that i’ve grown up in—but for some reason, I just really like drinking. Not in the “I need a whiskey” in the morning type of way… but I like that none-existent feelin...
The Gay Pride Parade in New York City is always, always a hot fucking mess. There is nothing worse than a whole bunch of gay men and women strutting on the streets drunk and high as fuck. It beco...
