~*Phoenix*~ ⋅ 44 ⋅
Rising from the ashes ... living to fight another day. Mother, lover, daughter, sister, friend, and fighter. I lost my soulmate unexpectedly on April 3, 2023. If you can't handle grief, move along. My journey is mine alone, and this is my outlet for the pain.
This is my life... my story... my book. I will no longer let anyone else write it; nor will I apologize for the edits I make.
Entries 95
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What now ... in 2023
It’s been 591 days, Babes. If anything, it’s worse now than before. Worse because it’s settled in … emptiness. Nothingness. Your birthday is in a little over a week. The 2nd one since you’ve b...
Things were supposed to be easier once I moved here. Not just mentally and emotionally, but financially too. Was I ever fucking wrong. Somehow this godforsaken province is even worse than Onta...
Holding on in 2023
It’s a little after 1am. I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and am sitting barefoot on my front porch, tears streaming silently down my cheeks. I wish I could say I was tired of crying … ...
Blindsided in 2023
I don’t even know where to start. I don’t want to write this but maybe writing it out will help me shake it off somehow? Your sister texted me 2 days ago … a flurry of hatred & accusations &...
Breaking up in 2023
I wish we had broken up. It wouldn’t feel like this if I knew somehow that you were out there somewhere. Living. I could hate you. Blame you. Be angry at you. Pretend that it wasn’t as perfec...
I wasn't ready, Babes .. in 2023
I dreamt about you last night. I’ve been hoping and begging and pleading for you to come to me in my dreams and you did … and I wasn’t ready. I’ve been weeping all morning. Off and on .. like b...
I can breathe again .. in 2023
I’m here. We made it. Almost 3100km in 3 days. All told, it was probably a $6000 move, not including buying the car & the house … I wouldn’t have made it without everyone. I still don’t unde...
Razor blades and raspberry jam in 2023
Things I can’t wait to be able to afford to buy again. I’m saving every single cent I can, buying absolutely nothing other than the essentials - dog food for the dogs, milk for the kid, coffee fo...
Tears stream in 2023
Still here. Still crying. Still grieving. 418 days since you’ve been gone. I wish I could scream and rage and throw shit through windows and break down walls and doors and crush the broken piece...
I took the pill. Last night, with my bedtime meds. I figured I wasn’t going to sleep and I was sick of tossing & turning all night like the last few nights so at 9pm I took a sleeping pill to...
Is it broken? in 2023
I cleaned today. Finally. It was so gross in here. I hadn’t shampooed the carpet in weeks. That doesn’t sound terrible, for normal peoples carpets, but I’m not normal and neither are my 50 year o...
I think I must be crazy in 2023
In 22 days I’ll lose you all over again. A year. A year without you. A year of being nothing more than the walking dead. Empty existence. Wasting space. I can’t do another year. I can’t. I can’t...
Obsessive confusion in 2023
337 days … is that why? Is that why my mind, my heart, my soul have been increasingly chaotic these last few weeks? I scrutinize photos now, as they come up in FB memories … did you look like yo...
A very dear friend of mine lost her son 4 days ago. He was 3.5yrs old. He’d been fighting neuroblastoma for the last 18 months of his life. Half his short little life was spent in the hospital w...
I’ve been crying for two days. Again. And it’s weird because I’ll just be doing dishes or stitching & watching TV and poof tears and ache and sobbing and then … poof back to doing what I was...
Phantosmia in 2023
I would not have believed this shit was an actual thing were it not happening to me and so I looked it up because wtf. It started even before Babes died, so I don’t chalk it up (entirely) to gri...
Brain stew in 2023
I’m gonna smoke a joint and try to get this out because while I’m not quite ready to try writing the book again, I feel like with this 8d audio stuff I’m a lot closer than I was. I want to be abl...
I think I had a small breakthrough yesterday. Nothing to do with the grief, nothing that will help with that pain, but a breakthrough nonetheless. I kept seeing those short little clips or reels...
I'm gonna do stuff in 2023
Today. Right now. I’m gonna vacuum and wipe down the kitchen and dust and shit .. and shower. I don’t think I’ve showered in a week. Which is gross. Except I don’t do anything so it’s not like I ...
The weight in 2023
You know that feeling right before you cry? When your chest sorta tightens and feels heavy and achy .. and then fingers of ache & chill radiant from your heart and the tears flow, like a dam ...
For posterity, pics in 2023
Been forever since I did photos .. someday I’ll come back to this for the memories of these days .. FB memories are hard - silly laughing memories of Babes and our daily life together .. days I ...
Time. It’s just dragging. I’ve never felt more like a zombie. Or a robot maybe. Day in, day out. I should enjoy the routine. Isn’t routine proper or something? But I’m not choosing the routine ....
But why though? in 2023
One ex reaching out to me, fine. Two? Weird, gross, but whatever. Three though? Really? Three? Fuck off I’m so fucking annoyed and want to just go off on this latest one in my DMs but it’s not h...
Perhaps it will be a sleeping pill night tonight. I don’t want it to be. They leave a horrible taste in my mouth come morning. I called Sadie in to my room a little while ago, hoping her extra b...
Closer again in 2023
It’s been 301 days since you left me. Somehow the last 10 months have felt like you were drifting further and further from me and the awful day but since the new year it’s been different .. I kn...
