whwhatever
Entries 46
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Boredom, and booze in A transparent lockbox
Something I have been battling recently is my boredom and sobriety. Sometimes I lay here in bed and think about how boring it is to be sober. I never had a specific drinking or drug problem, but...
Chasing attraction in A transparent lockbox
Tonight I am struggling with the frailty of attraction. How one thing can change and suddenly you aren’t as desirable as you once were. This is coming from a place of a degraded ego on my part. ...
The upcoming winter. in A transparent lockbox
I feel my biggest weakness in writing here is my redundancy. I constantly circled back to the same core issues about my conflicting feelings about desire, love, connection, and worldview. Seeing...
Mutual debt in A transparent lockbox
In a twisted way, it brings me joy to know that the cut still stings for you, too. I’m not alone in my bitterness. Though you’re the reason for the bitterness, you’re the only other person who s...
Broken record in A transparent lockbox
How is it possible that after 3 years, seeing you nearby still makes me feel sick? How is it that you still have some bit of a grasp on me? I’ve never wanted to feel like I’m 20 again in that wa...
Mouldings in A transparent lockbox
There are so many binaries in life that we are expected to be in one or the other but never in between them. Existing as I do sparks confusion: to be feminine with body hair and masculine with so...
About Sex in A transparent lockbox
After evaluating who I’ve been, who I hope to be, and what I desire, I’ve realized I’m a prude. I think I’m actually quite a sex-negative person. First of all, I find my experiences to have been ...
The Dissonance of Self and Desire in A transparent lockbox
One of the emerging conflicts in my life is how I compartmentalize. It has all existed to guard my soul and stay private and reserved. Throughout K-12, I never would hang out with friends outsid...
Just Whining in A transparent lockbox
I have no clue what happens in my brain. It seems to undergo times of relative thoughtlessness and unawareness. I feel like I have been out of consciousness for a solid minute. I’ve had some dece...
Animal Kind in A transparent lockbox
There are things that I am beginning to think will haunt me forever. They aren’t even things that I did, but injustices close to me, whether emotionally or geographically. Things that happened ye...
Oh, Another in A transparent lockbox
For the first time in a while, I had a dream about you. It isn’t like the old ones though of sentiment and yearning. This time it was more like I saw you in public while I looked awful and then I...
Procrastinate. in A transparent lockbox
What an awful habit I’ve developed. I can only seem to work in the face of deadlines and when hit with adrenaline. When I know I have time, I cannot do work. I think I would need the rush of a gu...
How so in A transparent lockbox
One of the largest mysteries of life and my mind is infatuation and love. Just how in the span of a day, you can feel like you have fallen in and out of love with someone. The entire rush of gett...
Grandeur Lost in A transparent lockbox
Lately, I’ve had to confront the person I am compared to my expectations when I was younger. I know who I am now likely won’t be who I am forever. All I’ve been able to think about lately is how ...
Neutral in A transparent lockbox
For the life of me, when I’m emotionally neutral, I cannot write or think on a level that is at all profound. There were months when I was prolific, writing 4 poems a day, frequent journal entrie...
Cyber Dissonance in A transparent lockbox
The experiences that get to me the most are the ones where you are made to feel stupid for being nice or kind. I always try to be understanding and empathetic, I want people to feel comfortable w...
Karmic Neutrality in A transparent lockbox
This is practically the antithesis of yesterday’s entry. But today I was online and was recommended the profile of someone who once screwed me over romantically. The profile was nearly blank, wit...
Grudges in A transparent lockbox
One of the curses that has been bestowed upon me is my inability to let go of grudges. I wish that I didn’t care and could just move on, but god, I am bitter for eternity. No matter how small of ...
Laughing it all away in A transparent lockbox
Last night and tonight while washing my face, I broke out into uncontrollable laughter. Last night was just about some experiences I’ve had with dating, like a man offering to drive an hour on th...
Questions of Toxicity in A transparent lockbox
There has been something about today that has made me think about different aspects of myself. Everything has felt relatively fast, action-packed, and intense in all I’ve done. I was listening to...
Titles in A transparent lockbox
Tonight all I can seem to think about are titles and projections. Just all the things we are told we are, or are said about us, and the implications of those things. All the things that are arbit...
Creative Phenomenon in A transparent lockbox
I am currently experiencing a personal phenomenon. There has been a palpable shift progressing in my mind for months now, but I feel it fully at this moment. There is just this overwhelming sense...
Dichotomy of Partying in A transparent lockbox
I met up with some friends I hadn’t seen in a while, they were around for the holiday. The experience was overall unpleasant I’ll say. My friend brought her new man along to introduce him; to be ...
Too practical in A transparent lockbox
Sometimes I am reminded of the variation of the human mind. I have witnessed some people in my life who are said to be smart, but they aren’t very intelligent. I have a half-sister who did a degr...
Abstinent in A transparent lockbox
It is the season of getting drunk with the family. I have been sober since July. I tend to do the extremes in life, in that I am all or nothing. There have been too many moments of embarrassment ...
