Entries 47

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Tonight I had a date. A date I’ve been looking forward to for nearly five years. Well, it was a second date, but do they really count without a kiss? At any rate, a lovely way to end a night. W...

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Simply put, a lot of human interaction comes down to a single question: Do we feel like making it work? If the answer is yes, then it will almost certainly work. If the answer is no, it will alm...

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Amber has frequently complained that I don’t listen. She’s often criticized my inability to remember anything about what she tells me. I’ve often said that the difficulty is largely in how she ...

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Amber says I’m bad at listening. I don’t remember the vast majority of what she tells me. I don’t remember names or places or things she’s said. I confess it, and, to that end, I’ve been worki...

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Gardening work finished in mid October, and since then I’ve been working selling beer growlers. It’s a pretty good job. Good hourly wage and way more in tips than anticipated. I like my boss a...

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For the last few weeks, I find myself descending farther and farther down into my spiral. I was self indulgent in the lead up to Sherlock Holmes, and I got sick after. Well, that show closed a ...

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I told Amber, on July 1st, that she had until September 1st to make up her mind about me. I told her that for those two months, I would not enter into any other relationship and that she would b...

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I started Yoga on September 1st. As I said I would. It was a good feeling, and, I take it as a sign of good luck (just this once) that the month began on a Monday. It was rather nice to accompl...

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What do we give up to keep on going? I suppose that’s a tough thing. It’s harder for some than for others. For the people I generally care about, it’s hard to give up on just about anything. M...

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I think that one reason why solitude tends to be good for me is that I don't end up saying the same things over and over. The older I get, the more I realize that our subjective (often wrong) pe...

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The last real friend I made in America before leaving for China was Amber. That was in the winter of '08. I left for China in '10, so you get the idea. Since returning, and in the course of my...

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It's been just under two months since I wrote much of value here. Discounting the teaser earlier today. Even that wasn't much. It was more just an expression of a lot of feelings, but not a gr...

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There's an emptiness that comes from Amber's final, definite, rejection "for now anyway." At the same time, it's wonderful and freeing.I wanted her. I wanted her as it's difficult to want a per...

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As a note, the ending of the dream is a comment I made at the time of writing it down. It no longer applies. I do not know the exact date of this, but I would assume late March or April last. I...

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There's not a great deal to report. There's a great deal to reflect on, but, at the moment, reflection is out of the question. Too tired, house is full of children, and an incredibly stressed m...

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July first, something shocking happened. I talked to Amber. We talked a lot. I don't even remember how it started. I didn't sleep much that night. I've also been sick since. Stress. Simply...

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You say that I don't really care about you because you say that I don't understand you. You also say that we can be friends without being lovers. But these two positions don't add up. They can...

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What is it about wine that is so conducive to writing? Who decided that, of all the alcohols, at the bottom of a glass of wine one would fine such inspiration? Perhaps because wine is at the he...

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I have a working theory for why I'm so down these days. Courtney seems to think it holds water. I'll record it here. I'm an extrovert. I love talking to people. I love dealing with people. I...

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I dreamed, in that strange place between sleep and awake, that I got two letters. Both from Rachael. One I read the whole text of. It was rather practical. The second one was heavy and firm w...

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I had a dream that I was walking along Telegraph road to the old Starlight. I was me, but I was also me from years ago. Rachael was there. She was rejecting me again and again. She was talking ab...

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I have not written in the last few weeks. I have had no thoughts, no ideas, no observations worth recording. The bulk of my effort is dedicated to performing my daily duties, and I find that th...

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One of the great tragedies in my life was losing Courtney at the same time as the theater. During a time when I was desperate for encouragement and guidance, when I needed help to understand a r...

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Courtney asked me something the other day. She asked me what I liked. To be honest, I didn't know how to answer. I'm not sure how to answer that. I've got fewer and fewer answers to things li...

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Along the fields as we came by A year ago, my love and I, The aspen over stile and stone Was talking to itself alone. 'Oh who are these that kiss and pass? A country lover and his lass; Two l...

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