Entries 3,255
Page 8 of 131
jan8
Shredder was pretty good with short-term battlefield tactics, but when it came to the long-view planning, Krang was the brains of the operation. A motorcycle that runs on beer called a Barley...
jan6
Yosemite Sam didn’t want to do the appearance and signing at the furry convention his agent offered him but he knew he really needed the money. “Great,” he muttered sarcastically as he signed t...
janu4
If it were easy, everyone would already have it done. Tesla Motors is the Disney Galactic Starcruiser of cars. Constantly pretend to confuse Thomas Pynchon with Bronson Pinchot, “Balki” fro...
janu2
We didn’t call microwaves “Defrigerators” and I think that’s on the all of us. That’s an unforced error. We just weren’t thinking at the time. I hope the first legal marijuana shop in Maine i...
new year bonus barrage
Call all the extradimensional aid you want, that dragon’s still gonna make you into summoner sausage. Ant-Man and The Atom in a winner-take-all diminution derby. I think I’ll call my used m...
dc30
Red licorice is supposed to be strawberry. The most delicious fake strawberry Dow Chemicals’ wildest dreams could conceive. Cherry? Really? We didn’t crawl outta the muck into the trees and bac...
dc28
When the moon parachutes / right on up your own snoot / ParAmore Sometimes to be a good person, you gotta be bad at being a person. Shut off the “achieve, acquire, dominate” drive from our an...
dc26
When a Canadian gets frustrated, they will often say “well, that just bags my milk”. Has there been a stoner comedy about a feudal uprising called “SERFS UP” yet or is this world just perpetu...
dc24
Facebook puts really good looking people who you do not actually know into your “People You May Know” feed just to torment you. It doesn’t make you use Facebook more, though, it makes you want ...
dc22
Head-canon that they’re not called “Pokemon” because they’re “pocket monsters” but because they mutated from eating poke bowls filled with mutagens from Monstano. Where the sperm starts, wher...
dc20
Why has there never been a crossover between the video games COMMAND & CONQUER and CONKER’S BAD FUR DAY? It seems like a gimmie, you guys. There should be more wedding receptions where pe...
dc18
If you aim for the stars with the correct trajectory, you will quickly die in the frozen vacuum of space. If you aim for the stars and end up shooting the moon, you will quickly die in the froz...
dc16
If they tell you should smile more, turn around and run. If they naturally make you smile more, they’re the one, they’re the one. Having never seen Succession, I’m just assuming that’s the ma...
dc14
Basically, I’m just synthesizing like five memes here, but the solution to social media seems to be somehow monetizing the touching of grass. Why say “gunnery nunnery” when you could say “hol...
dc12
A Nintendo authorized whoopie-cushion called ZELDA: WIND FAKER. “LESS TEETH!” he howled “BUT NOT A TOTAL ABSENCE OF TEETH, EITHER!” The power of light rail as the driving technology of adve...
dc10
A musical moderate is like “I believe the way you work it is adequate, the same amount of diggity, the same amount of diggity”. “Replacing an arm and a leg? That must have cost you a student ...
dc8
The chestnut about travel being the great destroyer of prejudice because you see how everyone’s the same sadly isn’t universal. Fundamentally broken monsters like Trump or Musk or Columbus, the...
dc6
When a hipster cuts their finger, the only disinfectant they can abide is Retrosporin. Yeah, you get up early if you like worms. That’s weird, wanting to eat worms but you do you. I was not b...
dc4
You’ll know you’ve had the correct amount of coffee when “Powerhouse” and “Holiday for Strings” are mashing up in your head perfectly. This parody of Bush’s “Everything Zen” about Zed from...
dc 2
. In my pocket, I found a wadded up note, in my own barely comprehensible scrawl that simply said “Meme Wars of A Geisha”. I have no idea where I was going with it but, when you’re me, every few ...
prompt: story, title: the daily grind
You may be wondering why someone who has been alive for over seven-hundred years would be working in a cellphone customer service center, employ only slightly worse than mucking out the port-a-po...
nv30
Why call it “the Hershey highway” when you can call it “the bottom line”? It’s actually kind of inspiring how all those brain eating amoebas got together to invent and market the netti pot. ...
nv28
You remember when you walked out of a screening of THE PHANTOM MENACE & realized the auteur is a lie, singular genius is a lie, art comes from a combination of adversity, compromise & d...
nv26
There’s probably, right now, a dude in England who sleeps around a lot nicknamed Randy Travis who doesn’t even know that there was a mediocre country singer in America who came by the name hone...
nv24
Of course that conman on the History Channel thinks everything is aliens. He’s clearly one of the bird people from Babylon 5. A dating site where women can meet the emotionally-unavailable r...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
