Entries 3,254
Page 7 of 131
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People think I’m either being too humble or performatively insincerely humble on a fairly regular basis. Thing is, there’s a sliver of me, the worst part of me, that could be the most arrogant ...
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The best name for a country-western drag queen has just been right there, all along, “Tanya Tucker”. Wordsmith, wordsmyth, words, myth. You know that cliche where they’re shocked how banged...
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The horn solo in Neil Young’s “After The Gold Rush” is the most Canadian thing to ever exist, and I mean that in a good way. We Americans would be too afraid of coming off too nostalgic and mau...
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An alternate universe where Frankie Avalon attempted to revive his career as a trapeze artist and tragically died because he attempted to work without Annette. A sign on a parking space outsi...
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Shallow hopefulness isn’t my bag. It seems like it but, rest assured, it’s a hard-earned hopefulness. A grasping pleading hopefulness. Good things are exceedingly difficult to find and harder t...
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We need a word for a cultural product that one has zero interest in but feels like they should have interest in, for purposes of cultural momentum and nostalgic pressure. I would say “Lucasfilm...
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The secret to intergalactic travel will be in having paint thinner and paint fattener annihilate each other, generating pure energy. We’re just waiting for someone to invent paint fattener. O...
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We are now calling Q-Anon people “Flagcels”. That is all. One thing to do is pretend that you think saline solution is called “sailing solution” “you know, because the ocean is salty”. That’s...
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Have I previously mentioned on social media how my brain always mashes up “Sex & Candy” with “Closing Time” whenever I hear either song? It seems like something I’d note but I don’t remembe...
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Y’know what was fun? Watching the 3-D teevee fad die, like every other grasping gimmick in media history. Y’know what’ll be fun? Watching every attempt at making augmented or virtual reality ma...
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If it wasn’t the name of a deadly insect borne illness, “malaria” would be a great name for a flower. “Oh, you know it’s June when you see the malarias in bloom.” Anxiety is a culture, a cult...
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It’s not so much that I take ibuprofen “as needed”, at the level of my chronic back and hip pain, it’s more like part of the recipe of my life. It’s a seasoning of my neural system. I take ibup...
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Imagine a situation where you are morally obligated to cheer for Mark Zuckerberg because the other guy is even worse. I had to let myself become absent-minded to an extent, scatterbrained to ...
jan30
The arrogance and presumptuousness of the wealthy create a stupidity far more dangerous than any mere ignorance could ever hope to birth. As a couple, they decided that a vasectomy would be f...
jan28
Maybe The Weeknd is missing that E because Vampire Weekend bit him and sucked it out and before they were Vampir Weekend. Werner Herzog as Gargamel in a Smurfs movie. That’s it. That’s the tw...
jan 26
Thing is, we all deserve happiness but no one deserves happiness at anyone else’s expense. We all deserve love but no one particular person owes us love. All we can do is try to treat others we...
jan 24
You are wandering through a desert, dying of thirst, aimlessly trying to find water, you will be dead soon. But at least you can use that “long time, no sea” joke you’ve been saving up. It almo...
janu22
I don’t know what it’d look like exactly, but the first person to come up with a viable pitch to Food Network that uses the title FOOD COURT is probably in for a decent paycheck. Now, if Degr...
jan20
If DAVE AND BUSTERS turned out to be founded by Dave Matthews and Buster Poindexter, would you be more or less likely to go to their Grown-Up Chuck E Cheese Without The Cool Robots? Just decl...
jan18
A parody of Modest Mouse’s “Coyotes” about Bronson Pinchot. 83% of fan-fiction can be summed up in five words: “oh no! only one bed!” A Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy porn parody called M...
janu16
I finally had an even better idea for a parody of Steely Dan’s “Kid Charlemagne” than making it about Kid Icarus. GET ALONG, GET ALONG TIM CHALAMET, GET ALONG TIM CHALAMET. One of the lit...
janu14
In Hill Valley California, the Mandela Effect is known as “The Twin Pines Effect”, on account of people who inexplicably remember The Lone Pine Mall being called The Twin Pines Mall. The cher...
janu12
Frankenberry was the cereal. Dr. Frankenberry was the true monster. “Golf! Brought to you by the people who funded the 9/11 terrorist attacks!” is one of those things I never would’ve predict...
jan10
A landscaping fetish involves a lot of weed-whacking and a whole lot of edging. I hope the person who does the medical tests for high-end brothels is called a “notary pubic”. The fact that ...
jan8
Shredder was pretty good with short-term battlefield tactics, but when it came to the long-view planning, Krang was the brains of the operation. A motorcycle that runs on beer called a Barley...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
