Entries 3,238
Page 6 of 130
march 14
The relative percentage of weird British food in your diet is your “aspic ratio”. Every failure protected you from a “success” that you would’ve discovered you didn’t actually want or couldn’...
mar12
Oomp, there it was. Oomp, there it was. The idea you can “win” life as it were a sport or a game is a lie they tell you to divide you, to make you war over scraps while pigs on high feast, to...
mar10
All I know is that if this were D&D, this Supreme Court would not be able to pass a Constitution check. Did they ever sell Shrek-branded yogurt as Ogrut? Seems like an unforced error to n...
mar8
I love the idea in fantasy fiction of a character who is accidentally strong against true-name magic because they don’t know their own true name. So out of tune with the mystic that they’re res...
march 6
Tennessee Williams was interesting but I bet Florida Williams’ plays would be BONKERS. The information overload on the teevee and computer can make society, can make reality itself, seem like...
march 4
A Scottish cheese shop called Loch Ness Munster. Yeah, I’m into fitness. Fittin’ ‘is body back under the covers. I’m honestly surprised not one brought back The Harlem Shake for The Grimac...
march 2
Cynicism is a joke. Literally it’s a joke. And it can be a quite funny joke, a brief amusing subversion of the truth, a laugh that can allow us to relieve the pressure of life. But for God’s sa...
fb29
Self exploration is not decadence, it is the natural state of being alive. The fact that it hasn’t been beneficial to the ruling classes in recent societies doesn’t make it decadence. It is ...
fb27
A retro computer gaming store that exploits our nostalgia for the past. An Emotional Babbages, if you will. “Pearl necklace” is so crude when you could say “boobricant”. Not a mid life cris...
fb25
People think I’m either being too humble or performatively insincerely humble on a fairly regular basis. Thing is, there’s a sliver of me, the worst part of me, that could be the most arrogant ...
fb23
The best name for a country-western drag queen has just been right there, all along, “Tanya Tucker”. Wordsmith, wordsmyth, words, myth. You know that cliche where they’re shocked how banged...
fb21
The horn solo in Neil Young’s “After The Gold Rush” is the most Canadian thing to ever exist, and I mean that in a good way. We Americans would be too afraid of coming off too nostalgic and mau...
fb19
An alternate universe where Frankie Avalon attempted to revive his career as a trapeze artist and tragically died because he attempted to work without Annette. A sign on a parking space outsi...
fb17
Shallow hopefulness isn’t my bag. It seems like it but, rest assured, it’s a hard-earned hopefulness. A grasping pleading hopefulness. Good things are exceedingly difficult to find and harder t...
fb15
We need a word for a cultural product that one has zero interest in but feels like they should have interest in, for purposes of cultural momentum and nostalgic pressure. I would say “Lucasfilm...
fb13
The secret to intergalactic travel will be in having paint thinner and paint fattener annihilate each other, generating pure energy. We’re just waiting for someone to invent paint fattener. O...
fb11
We are now calling Q-Anon people “Flagcels”. That is all. One thing to do is pretend that you think saline solution is called “sailing solution” “you know, because the ocean is salty”. That’s...
fb9
Have I previously mentioned on social media how my brain always mashes up “Sex & Candy” with “Closing Time” whenever I hear either song? It seems like something I’d note but I don’t remembe...
fb7
Y’know what was fun? Watching the 3-D teevee fad die, like every other grasping gimmick in media history. Y’know what’ll be fun? Watching every attempt at making augmented or virtual reality ma...
fb5
If it wasn’t the name of a deadly insect borne illness, “malaria” would be a great name for a flower. “Oh, you know it’s June when you see the malarias in bloom.” Anxiety is a culture, a cult...
fb3
It’s not so much that I take ibuprofen “as needed”, at the level of my chronic back and hip pain, it’s more like part of the recipe of my life. It’s a seasoning of my neural system. I take ibup...
fb1
Imagine a situation where you are morally obligated to cheer for Mark Zuckerberg because the other guy is even worse. I had to let myself become absent-minded to an extent, scatterbrained to ...
jan30
The arrogance and presumptuousness of the wealthy create a stupidity far more dangerous than any mere ignorance could ever hope to birth. As a couple, they decided that a vasectomy would be f...
jan28
Maybe The Weeknd is missing that E because Vampire Weekend bit him and sucked it out and before they were Vampir Weekend. Werner Herzog as Gargamel in a Smurfs movie. That’s it. That’s the tw...
jan 26
Thing is, we all deserve happiness but no one deserves happiness at anyone else’s expense. We all deserve love but no one particular person owes us love. All we can do is try to treat others we...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
