Entries 3,237
Page 3 of 130
aug 10
Sometimes I miss DVD commentary tracks but then I remember they just call them “podcasts” now. Does anyone else worry that the only time they’re their true self is when they’re alone with the...
aug 8
That very brief period where Steve Guttenberg was a bankable film star, I sure hope someone said “He’s a Guttenberg printing press… FOR BOFFO BOX OFFICE MONEY!” While still developing in its ...
a6
A terrible thing would be mashing up Korn and Coldplay into Kornplay. I will only accept the reboot of The Office if they retool it into being the behind the scenes of the business offices of...
a4
An East Coast rapper and a West Coast rapper should fake a feud and then it all turn out to be a publicity stunt for Impossible Burger because that too would be fake beef. The day will come ...
a2
One of those awful dating reality shows but along the way, to earn the money for really fancy or expensive dates, they have to answer trivia or do physical challenges where they have to pull a ...
july 31
I kind of want The Weeknd to buy the Bernies Dot Com website so his email can be Weeknd At Bernies Dot Com. Our representatives shouldn’t be preening fancy idiots pretending they’re better th...
july 29
Great. Instead of sleeping, my brain is masking up The Scorpions “Rock You Like A Hurricane” and Bob Dylan’s “Hurricane”. Fine. Great. There is definitely a viable evolutionary advantage to ...
july 27
“Show About Minor Star Wars Expanded Universe Character Who Didn’t Need More Back Story #2957” just doesn’t wow me into a watch and I’m sorry, I know this makes me a terrible Internet Person, b...
july 25
Every time some fringe group predicts an End-Time and it inevitably passes, I like to imagine that there was a Rapture, like seven or eight years ago, but like only four or five people qualifie...
july 23
I look back on Bowie’s lyrics and how much of his work was as kind of a modern musical de Tocqueville, an outsider’s eye writing about America and understanding it better than we can ourselves ...
july 21
Say what you will about Beanie or Funko but at least you receive a physical item. Even when you finally realize that speculative investment is a dumber form of gambling, you still have an ornam...
july 19
Move to Montana’s capital. Start a restaurant called “Helena’s Ham Basket”. It will be worth it, if only for the meme. This push to re-invent Martha Stewart as a feminist icon is so bizarre. ...
july 17
EMPATHCIZE! It’s like AEROBECIZE or JAZZERCIZE, except we just put on spandex and try our best to understand the feelings others. Scratch the surface of anyone laboring so hard to live a perf...
july 15
I will post every time I hear a person’s name that can be sang with the same rhythm as “Eleanor Rigby” and they’ll have to take this stupid phone outta my cold dead heads to stop me. An acous...
july 13
Don’t call it your “list of weird fetishes” call it your “boner fides”. In that one Steven Seagal movie “Under Siege” back when he was funny-bad instead of sad-bad and he played a Navy Seal/c...
july 11
Why say “that mentat is practically tattooed by the Juice of Sapho!” when you can say “that Thufir Hawat, he’s a real think-stained wretch!” A drag performer reads to children under 30 pounds...
july 9
I now want a story where Columbo is the man who sent Hannibal Lechter to prison and, like, Hannibal wasn’t even mad, he saw through Columbo’s playing-dumb act in the first two minutes he met hi...
july 7
A BEAUTIFUL MIND except it’s A BEAUTIFUL MID and he’s, like, just a little crazy and pretty good at math. My prison name would be Mitochrondria, of course, as I would be the powerhouse of the...
july 5
The Renaissance Faire may have made a mistake when they called their fashion competition a “Jerkin Off”. I’m by no means a prude about gambling but I kind of miss sports talk. Now that sports...
july 3
I often wonder why Americans call it “the eighth grade” Canadians call it “grade eight” and I guess Brits call it “eighth year”. They’re so close to each other, it’s all the same language more ...
july 1
It’s always been weird to me how most people imagine military faster-than-light space travel as being like an airplane or a sailing ship. I have to imagine it would feel so much more like a sub...
june 29
One thing you can do is press on your navel whenever you urinate, and pretend you’re actually some kind of cool weird dispenser machine instead of an animal that was born and will die. Add a li...
june 27
maybe Yoda wasn’t from a distinct species at all. maybe a halfling and a goblin loved each other very very much and… If bread is called “the staff of life”, is pizza called the ciiiiiiiiiiiii...
june 25
Mario and Luigi’s mother was named Mia, that’s why they go around yelling “Mama Mia!” al the time. Seriously, bill collectors and telemarketers both, if you call me and I answer the phone and...
june 23
I enjoy the weird confluence of how now all genre media is about terrible timelines and then we all go on social media and post about them on our own terrible timelines. Cinnamon Twists: the ...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
