Entries 3,307
Page 2 of 133
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We’re all just different knots on the same string. We look at our differing shapes and assume that makes us separate and different but… nah. All the same damn string. We have a square ...
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When the malls decoupled from the multiplexes, something was lost. Remember the joy of sneaking a metric-butt-ton of low-grade Taco Bell into the cinema and eating it while watching a movie?...
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Why call benedryl “sleep aid” when you can call it your “catatonic converter”? You capture, train and battle various popes from throughout history. It’s called Popemon. “You used EXCOMMU...
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Whenever baseball twitter refers to the Competitive Balance Tax as CBT, I giggle, because outside of baseball twitter “CBT” means “Cock and Ball Torture” and basically deep down that makes m...
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If you think about it, every wheat field is really just a potential beer garden. I hope the next Godzilla flick is called “The Square Root of Godzilla”. I hope it’s middle-school math ti...
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Being in your 40s is going on YouTube towards massage and chiropractic videos for psychosomatic relief for your awful awful back. Sometimes I have self-pity about being single but on m...
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Letter to my 15-year-old self: When someone’s ending every fourth sentence toward you with a comma and the word “friend”, it means they’re trying to be very nice about saying that they aren’...
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So, apparently, Tic-Tac has a jingle called “Take A Ride On A Tic-Tac” and they had no idea that all us old Gen X cynics would immediately assume this was code for clitoral manipulation dur...
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A parody of Raffi’s “Baby Beluga” about gingko biloba. Ah, tennis match fixing to skew gambling. The Racket Racket. A parody of the George of the Jungle theme that involves the line...
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An EDM song about the Shrek character Puss in Boots because they all sound like “boots-and-CATS-and-boots-and-CATS-and-boots-and-CATS” to begin with. A GILF porn shop celebrating its gra...
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When Santa’s sleigh crashed in the Rockies in the 1800s, sure, Santa’s immortal but the very-much-mortal reindeer had to resort to cannibalism for any of them to live, going down in gruesome...
prompt: wear, title: movie night in plato's cave
There is something oddly fascinating about cultural notions that only made sense in one small window of the zeitgeist, surviving beyond their usefulness, treated normally outta sheer social mome...
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The sheer gullibility of social media is surprising until you remember that, from the start, the internet has always been a series of rubes. I honestly had a positive opinion of Licorice...
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A Southern warlock with a walking chicken shack called Bubba Yaga. A romantic-comedy amoungst Greco-Roman mythology called “Satyr Anything”. The song Caribbean Queen sounds so much l...
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Did Jimmy Buffett ever write a song about a depressed man going to the doctor and being prescribed some “Vitamin Sea”? It just seems like something he would’ve done. A Shrek / Dragonball...
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A parody of MAMMA MIA about mild edema. The M&M mascots are unsavoury characters. The pop mythology of Thanksgiving is gross & weird & racist, but we can decouple it from...
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Maybe the REAL monster was the friend Frankenstein made along the way. Keurig machines are so janky that after about six months, every one of them has this specific series of extra opera...
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Why call them “tree ornaments” when you could call them “branch dressing”? Wars within an aristocracy to reshape the monarchy can be an heir-shaving experience I think it’d be fun if...
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A kids book about Santa’s housecat, Felix Navidad. If your feet hurt while astral projecting, you might be suffering from planar fasciitis. A moment of feeling genuinely good looking...
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I now demand a sequel to Angels in the Outfield where Satan helps New Jersey win a Stanley Cup called DEVILS ON THE ICE. I now demand slangs for ALL the D&D stats, Rizz, Stitz, Genz,...
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A parody of THE BLACK PARADE about psychology would have to start with the line “when I was / a Jung boy / my father / took me into the city / to see a Freudian”. You can’t use art to fo...
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It’d be about, like, a goth girl detective, like a goth Nancy Drew and it’d be called MORBID CURIOSITY. No one had told me that Lou Barlow from Dinosaur Jr had slowly morphed into a tiny...
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Is there anything sadder in college football than celebrating “bowl eligibility”? Congrats, you won six games, 3 of which were against directional cupcakes. You get to play in a game named ...
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People who decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving lack elf-control. The worst part of THE LAND BEFORE TIME was how the fat little stubby dinosaur seemed to have a vulgar “o-face” in ...
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You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I’m telling you why, Vulcans repress all their emotions. The only way to make William Joel’s “Piano Man” even slightly inte...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
