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sept 28
If everyone could just say “that isn’t my thing but I’m glad you like it” about things like the Taylor Swift movie, the world would be like 83% better instantly. INSTANTLY. Okay, you win...
sept 26
You know what’d be a fun mash-up? “H.R. Gigerstuf”. In any line of DC Comics collectables, make the villain Gorilla Grodd the rarest, so that somewhere in the world you know someone will...
sept 25
An astonishingly dumb romantic comedy about two opposing campaign managers falling in love called “Pollster Opposites”. A zombie-themed crime fighter who always introduces himself before...
sept 23
What is the equal and opposite action to the Maillard reaction? Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s the basic of traditional British cookery. There is no possible reason to create a Buckcherry...
sept 21
What is the equal and opposite action to the Maillard reaction? Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s the basic of traditional British cookery. There is no possible reason to create a Buckcherry...
sept 19
You walk back into the room. There is a fresh pile of clothes suddenly laying in the middle of the carpet. Either you are about to be seduced or a lightsabre battle just ended. Either is pre...
sept 17
A version of “All Apologies” from the perspective of Moe from the Three Stooges, if only so that he can be screaming “LARRY!” over and over at the end. “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” not ...
sept 15
Why say “venereal disease” when you can say “love-sickness”? Nintendo has lost so much money by being too prudish to market Legend of Zelda “It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this!” condo...
sept 13
Contractions often involve self-fulfilling apostrophes. A series of Halloween commercials for a bread and soup place starring Samuel L Jackson called “Snakes, Au Bon Pain”. An album ...
sept 11
Just because some company owns the intellectual property doesn’t mean it owns the way you can interpret it. Worry less about consuming a canon in a way that makes a company money, focus on w...
sept 9
“Ain’t no LAW says a dog can’t be wireless headphones!” is the perfect trailer line for EAR BUD. It goes without saying but. If you pronounce “girl boss” as “girlb oss”, it sounds li...
sept 7
They should call crochet meetings “hook-ups”. A mad zoologist takes to the high seas with a crew of primate pirates in PIECES OF APE. Is there anything stupider or more disingenuous ...
sept 5
A Billy Ray Cyrus parody about working in a library: “Can’t date the moms / Can’t date all those cute moms / I just don’t think I’d have a chance / No, I can’t date the moms / The patrons’ r...
sept 3
The Joker is literally the least interesting romantic partner for Harley Quinn. The cliched plot about trying to replace a missing pet with a nearly-identical pet before the kids find ou...
sept 1
Hell is people who think other people are hell. Are fishing magazine the main stream media? Talent at Instagram promotion should be called Instability. NFTs were Beanie Babies fo...
aug 30
If you hide your valuables in false appliances, you can be literally dishwasher-safe. A chewing gum that’s honey flavoured and black and yellow striped called “Bumblegum”. John Franke...
aug 28
LESS “Bread and water can so easily be toast and tea” ENERGY, MORE “All it takes is a vodka flask to turn your Dunkachino into a Drunkachino” ENERGY! The perfect name for a lady Forge Cle...
aug 26
Now that the guy from Smashmouth is deceased, who gets custody of Guy Fieri? My gut says Nickelback? He’s not churchy enough for Scott Creed, he’s not goth enough for Evan Vesence. I feel lik...
august 24
It would be wonderful if you learned Spanish but don’t feel hablagated. I wonder if on Howard The Duck’s planet they had a hotel chain called “Nest Western”? Chains & products usi...
aug 22
If you’re the understudy to the back-up dancers, are you a back-up back-up dancer? I’mma stop calling it a “belly” and call it my “man-curves” and see if the redefinition redeems it as se...
aug 20
Wes Anderson presumes the existence of Eas Anderson, as well as Nor Anderson and Sou Anderson, and I wanna see what little kinda matchbox worlds those all create as well. The weirdest thing t...
aug 18
Depleted uranium is outta style, we should armor our tanks with old Nokia phones. Why did we call them “Sadaam Hussein’s imaginary nuclear weapons” when we could’a called them “baath bombs”? ...
august 16
A literary mash-up called THE ISLAND OF DOCTOR THOREAU where instead of vivisection, the doctor’s experiments are in convincing people the island is a lot further from civilization than it actu...
birthday barrage
A natural peanut butter company should do some kind of cheeky “no-stir November” ad campaign. VAMP VAMP / MACK VLAD’LL MAKE YA / VAMP VAMP / VLADDY MACK’LL MAKE YA/ VAMP VAMP How did the “c...
aug 12
Like in so many of my dreams, part of my clothes just disappeared, I guess I slipped them off to do a quick poem to cover for a guy to tune his guitar, as my father taught me, to perform in my ...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
