Entries 3,238
Page 17 of 130
sep 10
If you think about it, the story of America being torn down and sold for scrap by next-financial-quarter short-term-thinking vulture capitalists is really just the story of executive dysfunctio...
sep 8
Grover’s “There’s A Monster At The End Of This Book” but it’s “There’s A Person Undermining You At The End Of This Book” and the last page has an aluminum foil mirror on it. I’m starting to t...
sept 6
Rob Zombie’s full birth name is actually Robert Zombert. I mean, I COULD do a whole album of parodies about Dune, yes I could. “How Bizarre” so easily become “Gom Jabbar”. “Gom Jab-BAR! Gom j...
sept 4
I like my coffee the way I like my shaming fake psychics: medium roast. Until we have perfected AI and robotics, every chemist is and will be an organic chemist. I hope the collective term ...
sept 2
A hipster band called “Ed MacMandalorian”. An RPG about inn management called “Bedrooms And Breakfasts”. Donuts festooned with gummi worms called “nightcrullers”. If you think about it, t...
aug 30
If you think about it, every school backpack is a textbook case. They’ll need a fully-licensed rain dancer, weather permitting. A head canon where Charlie Brown grows up to write under the ...
aug 28
There are worse band names to grab than “Bootie and The Hofish” at this point. Carport diem. Seize the parking space! I feel like the “Friday” movies and the “Friday the 13th” movies could ...
aug 26
The art of designing fast food to feel good in your hands is burgonomics. I definitely like to pretend that HP Lovecraft’s full name was Hit Points Lovecraft. The types of scrolls that are ...
aug 24
When your cleric focuses on healing, that’s the Life Domain. When your cleric focuses on weather, that’s the Tempest Domain. When your cleric focuses on punishing the corporate abuse of copyrig...
aug 22
Never been an easier place to kill someone than 2022 America. That’s a feature, not a bug. Long as we believe we can shoot out our problems instead of compromising & working together, greed...
aug 20
You know what’d be even worse than Boston Market? BARSTOW MARKET. Let’s ruin Taco Bell by spreading the idea that “Baja Blast” is a term for a sex act that can only occur on Spring Break. B...
aug 18
Hot dog eating contests cause gastro-intentional damage. I finally realized what Pete Davidson looks like. He looks like the guy you see getting arrested outside an Insane Clown Posse show fo...
aug 16
If people who love Japanese culture are “weeaboos” does that mean people into Ren faires are “theeaboos”? A home repair superstore with its own Insulation Installation Station where you can g...
aug 14
Woody Allen’s D&D alignment is Neurotic Evil. “Flash Gordon Schumway” is the peak name for a twee indie rock band, the kind of band that makes Belle & Sebastian look like Hank William...
aug 12
A cyborg dog called Bottweiler. Maybe you weren’t born for greatness. Maybe you were born to just help people. Maybe that’s a far better thing than being great. If you go unremembered by an...
aug 10
An ad for a low-stink cat litter built around the song “arrivederci aroma”. “Southern Cross” is what happens when you don’t got Neil Young to stir the pot. The next evolution after Fats Dom...
aug 8
All I have of this Steely Dan parody about the film Hocus Pocus is the line “Sanderson Sisters… shake it!” but, I mean, that’s really all required. No need gilding the lily. Do Polymaths Drea...
aug 6
I don’t have a “Memory Palace” so much as a “Memory Scrambled Pay-Per-View Channel” where I kind of look at a swirl of vaguely shaped colors and, like, let my imagination sort of freestyle rap-...
aug 4
Someday the Cake Proletariat will rise up against the Cake Boss and throw off the chains of Cake Oppression. They will liberate the means of confection. If you put Rom Space Knight into Super...
aug 2
It’s fun to pretend that you think Bjork didn’t actually exist. “Oh yeah, she was like Jim Henson’s greatest achievement, you could almost because she was a real person.” The longer you stick t...
july 31
Popeye the Sailor’s addiction to spinach started small, just giving in once to the pier pressure. I like to think that emojis are all created by a single cartoonist named Text Avery. Maybe ...
july 29
Why call it “armed robbery” when we could call it a “harmburglar”? Your band is now named IMPERSONAL PAN PIZZA. Here we are, on the internet, where having all the collected knowledge of the...
july 27
Why call it “public domain” when you could call it “I.P. freely”? Once again, I won the Boilermaker by sleeping in until 1PM in an air conditioned bedroom twenty-some-odd miles away. I’m real...
july 25
The narrator is a version of myself / the narrator is aversion of myself. Apple cobbler JEANS, boots by a COBBLER. I mean, maybe that’s the thing, right? If I’m fated to be a courier, an ov...
july 23
OSMOSIS JONES except the germs keep killing Bill Murray and resurrecting him over and over again to win a bet with the devil and it’s called OSMOSIS JOB. And then, sometimes, you just wanna w...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
