Entries 3,237
Page 11 of 130
july 8
Trying my best to be a good person is like chasing the horizon or the half lives of radioactive elements. I improve but there’s always new things I have to learn how to work on. I’m well-intent...
july 6
Did Spongebob get his Christmas gifts delivered by “Manta Claus” or did they really miss a trick? Okay, you are allowed to name your punk band “Vom Bombadil”. That’s acceptable. IT’S ALL AB...
interdependence day
Only half the problem of AI stealing from/replacing human artists is the AI existing and being used. The other half is a country that has so devalued education in the arts and letters that peop...
jl2
Paul Simon’s “You Can Call Me All” except the bass solo is replaced by the entirety of the opening theme to SEINFELD. The oddest thing about emotions is that, like, there are times we don’t k...
june 30
If I had to create a crossover character for The Food Fighters and The Barnyard Commandos, I guess I’d make him an ovine fry cook called The Battering Ram. No, the WEIRDEST Shakespeare based ...
june 28
A penny thrown into an actual functioning wishing well, that’s life changing money. Any amount of money, no matter how big or how small, spent at a brothel is technically “fuck you money”. ...
june 26
I just can’t wrap my mind around the idea that exercising more would make me LESS tired. I get it, I get it, stamina, muscle growth, blah blah blah, but it just fundamentally violates my unders...
june 24
The way the morning of February 10th briefly looked like a respite from winter, green grass peeking out through melting snow at the curbsides, up here we call that Fool’s Spring. Winter is gonn...
june 22
LESS DONATING YOUR BODY TO SCIENCE, MORE DONATING YOUR BODY TO MAGIC A mash-up of The Lovin’ Spoonful’s “Summer in the City” and Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem’s “Can You Picture That”. ...
june 20
Why did I never realize how much Dwight Schrute looked like Garrison Keillor. It was right there. It was right there. Why say “industrial spy” when you can say “the office deceptionist”? An...
june 18
You might think Viagra will uncomplicate your life but, really, you’re just making it hard on yourself. I think the thing is, it’s better to say I’m trying my best to be an ally than to say I...
june 16
A classy BBC remake of “Bridesmaids” called “Bridesmaid Revisited”. The “Father and Son” scene in Guardians of the Galaxy 2 helped me finally realize that a lot of Flaming Lips songs are basi...
june 14
A knock-off Eggo box with the catchphrase “Get offle my waffle!” I just realized that Andrew Tate looks like an elderly Don Knotts with a little more muscle definition and a bad spray tan. ...
june 12
The beauty of Paris can be overwhelming, that’s why they call it Eyefull Tower. She understood that some people had their own favourite Italian restaurants but that wasn’t her way. She liked ...
june 10
Many of the things we think we know about Harland Sanders are wild exaggerations but most do contain a colonel of truth. A series of urban legends about a cursed soupmaker roaming the streets...
june 8
Maybe all spiders can write words into their webs like Charlotte but most of them are into death metal and they’re just doing those logos for death metal bands no one can actually read. Nothi...
june 6
The wookie god of wine is named Chewbacchus. She could’ve been the most successful deodorant in the world, if only she only would apply herself. If even Jesus Christ allowed Himself a break...
june 4
I would love to see the Weinermobile towing the Plantersmobile and the idea is drivin’ me nuts. The shirt is the casing, we are the sausage. This is low-carb life. “Whatcha drinkin’ there? ...
june 2
I would love if sex toy stores had ads on teevee with, like, Crazy Eddie style promotions. “I DOUBLE-DONG DARE YOU TO GET A BETTER DEAL!” If the Insane Clown Posse really wanted to find out h...
may 31
Gotta ask ‘em all, Porque-mon! Lil Wayne implies the existence of the kaiju Giant Wayne, his best friend and protector. If you really need to yell something because you smashed your toe int...
may 29
Okay, PENNYWORTH exists, sure, but where’s the grim and gritty prequel about the butler on THE FRESH PRINCE? Like he was Mi5 and had so much blood on his hands, The Crown had to hide him on the...
may 27
It probably wouldn’t be that great of a cocktail taste-wise, but a “whiskey and cola” drink that’s Royal Crown and Crown Royal called “The Reflexive” would be fun as hell, conceptually. “Stea...
may 25
A circus game called “Whaucamole” where the players have to try and smash rising and falling avocados with mallets and if they score high enough, they win guacamole. You, as the operator, get b...
may 23
No, the WEIRDEST parody of all time would be of Fiona Apple’s “Criminal” that starts with the line “I’ve been a bad bad Terl / I’ve been reckless on a battlefield called Earth”. Domino rally ...
may 21
They’re just gonna keep trying to make Percy Jackson happen, aren’t they? “Until we have the rights to Harry Potter,” some executive says, briefly raising his head from the pile of cocaine, “we...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
