Entries 3,252
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dec 21
Youtube knife nerd videos are the best place to gather stage names. If I’m ever a NASCAR driver, you will know me as “Rust Magnacut”. If we only voted for the person who agreed with us o...
dec 19
Why say he was “killed when he was hit by a car” when you could say he had an “auto immune deficiency”? A movie about class conflict amoungst merpeople called THE GILLED AGE. If you...
dec 17
A software mod can be a real game changer. The real mistake in Space Force was the name. The Air Force isn’t the Sky Force, Space Force should’ve been called The Vacuum Force. That would...
dec 15
I’d love to read film review very low expectations being barely met. “It wasn’t too long, it was brightly colored, the performers attractive, a fine excuse to purchase children’s snacks in p...
dec 13
A Ted Danson hosted documentary series about astronomy called “Danson, With The Stars”. The Smurfs theme song but as surf rock. Smurf rock. A spooky bakery called Kneadful Things. ...
dec 11
Sometimes when people say “namaste” I honestly hear “nah, I’m gonna stay” and I get terribly confused. You’ll never witness the process of a small cut to your body healing, but every day...
dec 9
Gravy-making ironically starts with a fond farewell. As with most children’s songs, “Where Is Thumbkin” would be really creepy sung in a slow minor key and horror movies trailers have be...
dec 7
A magicians’ retirement community in Voilavoila, Washington. Why call it “your ex’s perfume” when you can call it “old bae seasoning”? If you solely drink Labatts and Molson, you don...
dec 5
Next year, you could fill a box with a spooky treat for each day of October and call it a Vladvent Calendar. It’s weird being so old you can remember when Saturday Night Live was funny. ...
dec 3
Some point in their life, every writer has to ask themselves “am I not finishing this because I’m a perfectionist, am I not finishing this because I’m lazy or am I not finishing this because...
dec 1
If Taco Bell workers weren’t so horribly underpaid, I would order a quesadilla and when I got it, I would be like “one? just one? I ordered an entire CASE of dillas!” but, like, they suffer ...
nov 29
Upton Funk, diseased meat packing (woo) / Upton Funk, diseased meat packing (woo) Why say “sleep paralysis demon” when you can say “gets me stiff at night demon”? A Christmas parody ...
nov 27
Snow, I don’t mind, as long as I don’t have to shovel it. Just don’t start playing “Christmas Wrapping” by the Waitresses, the only Christmas music more grating than Mariah Carey or Michael ...
nov 25
It’s so weird how our culture made “career politician” a bad thing. Well-intentioned rookies don’t know how to get anything done. People who’ve made it a career understand the levers of powe...
nov 23
Why call it a “butt crack” when you can call it “the bottom line”? Go from strip club to strip club, Trick or Teating tomorrow. A successful bank heist requires a good safe word. ...
nov 21
Why say you’re “compulsively drinking vodka gimlets” when you can say you “have lime disease”? Finishing up the illustration of a comic book, that’s just drawing conclusions. A Hallo...
nov 19
That Cookie Monster, what a crumb dumpster. I’m always fascinated by the things we pretend in civilization to try & feign we’re better than we are. There are oven cooking directions ...
nov 17
If a movement’s really about helping people, it has to also have empathy for how the American economic system makes it so very hard to have time/money for activism. If you’re so strident on ...
nov 15
It’s easy to do parodies of classic rock songs if they have an -ipple word in the word, just change that to “nipple” and it writes itself. I can only think of The Band’s “Up on Cripple Creek...
nov 13
Creativity doesn’t comes from mental instability. Co-related but no causation. A package deal but madness is not a muse, it’s just along for the ride. Art shine brightest when the monster in...
nov 11
If you think about it, whenever you had your first Shirley Temple was probably also when you busted your Maraschino cherry. A rapping lich called “Soul Jar Boy”. If you drink too man...
nov 7
Ewan McGregor is cast in a Tarzan bio-pic and meets Tarzan himself as part of his research. “Mr. McGregor, me Tarzan.” “Please. Just Ewan.” “Just Ewan, me Tarzan.” “Just me and you what?”...
nov 5
Pretend that you believe a character in D&D that uses both martial prowess and magical skill a “Gish” out of respect to the versatility of the great silent film star Lillian Gish. A ...
nove 3
An anime about the powered armor battles of Mesopotamia lost to history called GILGAMECHS. Duramax, Cummins, Power Stroke, it turns out all the diesel engines these days have names like ...
nove 1
The Feast of St. Ernest is on the Heyvernal Equinox. In the fancy neighborhoods, they Robert for apples instead. “White magic rituals only” She said, like some kind of Dudley Do-Rit...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
