Entries 1,314

Page 21 of 53

yes a million monkeys with a million typewriters would eventually write a Shakespeare folio but you’d need a million good editors to actually find it you’d need a million proofreaders to actua...

---

Just because your prayers got answered doesn’t mean you’ll get the answer you were hoping for. Just because your wishes got granted doesn’t mean you’ll get they’ll turn out how you p...

---

Twenty thousand years ago when I was a hunter-gatherer and this half-poodle half-something was a grey wolf at my side our neuroses made us alert and better hunters and kept us alive wh...

---

the downside to living in a porno movie is you can never get your plumbing fixed or actually get a pizza delievered to you it always just ends up as sex your cable’s always on the fritz yo...

---

The stars look down at us humans and think “Animals that can talk, this is the most amazing thing ever.” “They blink in and out of life so quickly, it’s like they twinkle.” “They’re so small an...

---

I want an Interdependence Day holiday where we loudly celebrate how we’re all in this together and need to help each other. May this day be the beginning of our second independence from a b...

---

everyone has at least one person in their life one special person in their life one important touchstone of their existence who they want to ask the question who they need to ask th...

---

I am trying to find the good in everything I am trying to find the good even in the very worst things any sane person would agree that one of the worst things at least symbolically, anyway ...

---

we all go to Hell twice once for the lessons then again to learn how to forgive ourselves hell is only other people if you’ve never come to terms with the fact that there have to be...

---

the difference between you and a myth is if you don’t believe in yourself you still exist God may be up there or not the aliens may be up there or not wizards may be up there or not bu...

---

you can’t spell the word “unrequited” without the word “quit” it sits there right in the middle of it clear as day screaming out that the heart of the situation is you just have to qu...

---

the giant sea-creature holds your corpse up to its not-quite-as-gigantic child’s ear “see, honey?” it bellows to its spawn “it sounds like the dry land!” two giant bird-m...

---

You become a stand-up because you don’t know how to play guitar or anyway because you can’t play guitar well enough to get anybody to listen or maybe you CAN play guitar okay but you’re ju...

---

there’s a guy on twitter these days I won’t share his name he doesn’t deserve the publicity whose whole thing is that he collects baseballs from foul balls and batting practice and what not ...

---

you all know goddamned Cthulhu the damn thing’s everywhere probably has a Saturday morning cereal by now but then there’s the oft-forgotten Lovecraftian Elder God Sl’mm Gudbulghgh The Drea...

---

I was having these chips I was eating these chips I was eating these chips from a bag from the store I was eating these chips called “A Hint of Lime” chips and I thought to myself, self? th...

---

they’ll work up any boondoggle they can to skim off the top of the money involved and hire out for work from their contributors won’t they? the nano-manno-banana whatever in Ma...

---

after a tragedy, you can either say “this should never happen to ME again” or “this should never happen to ANYONE again” choose the latter the fact we didn’t start up local city forges t...

---

You don’t have to KILL young Hitler with your time machine just prop him up as an ironic outsider artist so he doesn’t go into politics. You don’t have to KILL young Hitler with your time mach...

---

I don’t believe in “The Chicago Way” I don’t believe in “he pulls a knife, you get a gun” “he sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue” it doesn’t work in th...

---

cursive was designed to overcomplicate language to make it so ornate and fiddly and detail-oriented time consuming where the only way to get it “right” would be to have the time, money and pri...

---

if you end up famous when you die some hack cartoonist will draw the shallowest most facile representation of your life standing at the gates of heaven even if you died at eighty-nine if ...

---

Dear Kid Rock, the only thing worse in the world than being Ted Nugent is trying to be the Dollar Store version of Ted Nugent and failing even at that very minimal goal stop it go do someth...

---

Breathe, just breathe. Just focus on your breath. You’ve been breathing since you were born. You’ll be breathing until your death. It just keeps happening whether you want to or not. I...

---

Any love poem no matter how deep or how sad becomes instantly funny if you imagine it being delivered to a pillow he sleeps with in the shape of an anime babe. I’ve got nothing against ani...

---