Entries 307
Page 3 of 13
it's not the details or the location it's the feeling. and cabss.
ya know. for the longest time I didn’t take cabs. like when I was living in FL. that was 2 yrs. after. and I didn’t tell anyone why but I don’t think I was in a good enough place to. be able to. ...
so, after. *TW*
so like I said. I bled. [I was also on my period at the time]. I bled at least 1 cup if not 2 which wouldn’t have that big a thing if it hadn’t been what it was. if it hadn’t been rape. um. after...
coats inside
the weirdest thing to me. isn’t that I was raped that day. it’s that. where the hell was my coat? it was. 40 - 60 degrees that day so surely I would’ve had one. I always have a coat. he wasn’t. ...
shock cold aware
i’m just. in shock. I told evan last night via phone [oh yeah I have evan news]. well i’d already told him the story of the last one which I refer to ‘the thing in winter............the bar........
possssum deer freezing cold
so. when I........when it [the rape i mean] happened I felt trapped and I think part of that’s bc I didn’t realise I wasn’t. I was so. in the middle of being frozen w/ fear that I didn’t think ‘o...
the legality of it all. and the seriousnes.
so. I feel like if someone says they were sexually abused it’s less serious than if they say they were raped. [and yes they aren’t defined as the same thing] though I could be wrong. I mean you d...
yes but they *chose* to do what they did.
rapists I mean. a lot of them. they chose to rape us. [I mean some don’t. some might not have much of a choice. i’m 70 - 90% sure the first guy didn’t]. and that’ll really fuk you up. but we don’...
i um wow. *more on rape*
ya know. ...............um fuk. I think the fact that I can verbalise ‘I was raped 10 yrs. and 2 days ago’ holds a lot of power. not ‘I was hurt’ or ‘it’ or ‘violated’. no it’s ‘rape’ all 4 lette...
it's been 10 yrs.
it’s been 10 yrs. since I was raped. [oct. 14 2004]. um. idk. i’m finally starting to put it together. when.....when it happened I didn’t know what it meant. I knew it hurt and my body knew somet...
i know why she didn't tell me. *again. on my sister*
or I think I do. I just don’t like it. if she’d told me instead of telling my er my I mean our parents. er. I mean if she’d told me prior to telling them. I wouldn’tv’e done anything. I wouldn’t’...
sorry i know this is going to sound callouss. *on my sister*
ya know. I love her and she’s a great person but I resent her. my sister. all her life she’s always had everything come so easily to her. she’s never had to work for anything the way I have. othe...
vicodin addiction and abuse
so. like I said I looked it up online and vicodin addiction is linked to childhood abuse. yeah um. [well that makes sense. people who have been abused in some way often abuse certain uh substance...
ok so that was cleared up. *on my sister*
yeah so I talked to my mom about it and here’s what it is. vidocin. is basically heroin + opium [actually apparently heroin is made from opium, so] + um. morphine. [actually I know all this from ...
it's like/i feel like there's something wrong w/ me. *on death*
ya know. when my maternal grandmother died. I cried. I got upset the days before it happened. we all knew it was going to at some point we just weren’t sure when. she’d been in hospice for 2 yrs....
so this might be a really stupid question. *regarding PB*
sorry if this is obvious. but..........how do I find my books on here? I know that certain entries are saved in certain books but how do I get to those books is what i’m asking.
well. I don’t ‘have’ to I do have a choice here. and i’m not obligated to. I know. why she left. I know. why i’m angry. and shocked. and frankly well disappointed. that she didn’t try harder. so...
maybe. i'm angry she gave up.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my friend the one who. left. 10 yrs. ago. I think when someone passes we’re always angry. this is based on experience. I mean. I was 11 the last time I saw her, as ...
um. purge, period, cold. circulation. heart. tmj.
so like. 2 wks. ago I purged. in the bathroom of bed bath beyond. I like purging there it’s so. quiet and still. oh and the library. [er not that i’ve purged there but it’s also so quiet and stil...
i want that sense of safety back
ya know. my friend who. um left. she’s so far away that absolutely nothing can touch her. no one can hurt her. [but she’s also not here to hurt, so]. and I. I want that. not um not leaving. but t...
a whole host of issues
um. so this whole. thing w/ my friend’s uh. leaving. brings up a whole host of issues for me. it’s not just the way she went. [of, her own accord]. it’s that they ignored her. and also i’m pretty...
it's been almost 10 yrss.
since uh. my friend. left of. her own accord. it’ll be on the 3rd. and on the 14th it’ll be 10 yrs. since um. I was raped. and on the 13th. my friend will have been 27. the one mentioned above. a...
so yesterday. as usual I created drama. between 4 and 5 p.m. I came out of my room and told stephanie I wasn’t going to my moms tomorrow [which is now today] but I was going wed. when she asked m...
my god it's like i'm being fukin institutionalised. and. stuff being taken.
yeah so. i’m still not allowed to go anywhere by myself when i’m at my house. not even to the damn park which is but 10 mins. away. like i’m not even allowed to take access-a-ride to the store. l...
i just wanted a little more compassion
that’s one of the things Pat was really good at was being compassionate. he was one of the most compassionate people I ever knew. which apparently he really made an effort to be which I didn’t re...
so, on 'survivor' last night
I usually don’t watch ‘survivor’ as I prefer to watch other shows. and also my TV’s not working. but my parents were watching it and I was there waiting for the bus, so. yeah but so the tribes we...
