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Not sure why
But I felt like I had to make a last ditch effort..wrote an email to F...reminding him of the past times when he was depressed and pushed me away and how he came back when he felt better. This wi...
Trying...
Trying to pull myself together...trying to appreciate hub...trying to focus on horrible things F has done to me...even this last time, little things like, when he was out and the mail truck passe...
Bad few days
Went out yesterday, just to food shop and wanted to cry the whole time. Didn't talk to hub at all. Doing a project on the computer for our car club today, but tears keep welling up. I ate break...
If you knew...
How your life would turn out, would you have killed yourself in your twenties? You bet.
haven't left the house
I have not been outside, other than to retrieve mail or feed squirrels since Sunday afternoon. And today, when I am feeling a little more up to facing outside, it is nasty and raining heavily. I...
So...
haven't cried today so far...just a little tearing up.. F called last night on his way home, as if nothing has changed....sounded a little better emotionally, but mentioned a lot of things that a...
doing lousy
Went from no sleep Sat into Sun...hysterics last night...then slept til 11 am today...and did nothing but cry and mope and I dread 5pm when he may try to call..and I just can't talk to him now......
can't stop crying
I know I shouldn't be.....but I can't help it..I have loved this man for most of my adult life..how can he keep doing this to me???
I can't sleep....
It is after 1:30 am and I am WIDE awake...just obsessing in my mind about the past 3 months..and even more on the past 16 or so YEARS....Looked up an old Ann Landers column about love vs. infatua...
He tried to call again(?)
Or..as I am hoping it was just a pocket dial..at any rate..I didn't answer.
"my give a damn's busted"
So, he called on his way home, as if nothing is different...Says he feels suicidal and violent and like he doesn't care if he wakes up in the morning.. which normally would send me into a torrant...
Love from my friends...
I posted an exchange with one of my oldest friends earlier.. And I wrote to another friend who I had cancelled out on because of F a few weeks ago: I am so sorry about cancelling our lunch. F a...
Online talk with a childhood friend.
J: Hi...how are you? FRIEND: Hi J! How are you? I have a cold but other than that ...hanging in there. J: Sorry about cold..but glad you're ok FRIEND: Thanks. What's up with you? J: oh..re...
Trying to stabilize
Okay, so.. trying to come to grips with things. Trying to be fair..F did not lie to me, did not cheat on me... we gave it a shot - which was probably the first time, really for him, all the othe...
I feel...
Stupid...I feel old and ugly and unlovable... How could I not see the signs? But I guess I did...I never felt this time like it was "right"...all I felt was he was trying to force it, "I want it ...
Well it's over....
We finally had a conversation on his way home yesterday, and he said he had to be honest with me...it just wasn't happening; he wasn't falling in love with me. And he had to tell me because he di...
Still being a dick
He started testing this afternoon --complaining the phone isn't working right and asking annoying questions about hubs bday. I made some suggestions about the phone and tech support and he wrote ...
Not very satisfactory
I finally sent F a text yesterday morning. 'Ok, I know you're at the train today but are we gonna talk at any point?' Got an answer in early afternoon, "Phone just reactivated and I'm a the trai...
Hubby's birthday
His 65th (13 years older than me -and F ) No answers to my email..or texts. I am trying not to mope. Had gotten hysterical last bite in the supermarket when The Cure's "I will always love you " p...
Still..
After leaving voice mail at home, late this afternoon, his cell phone started receiving messages again, so I sent a few, with them escallating in anger as I went, but still holding back. Started...
I just can't believe it...
I am not someone he picked up in a bar and is now trying to ditch....How does he think he can just do this??
Worse....
Ok..now I know for sure something is wrong. When I tried to text F this morning, asking what is going on - message didn't go through, so I tried to call...number has been disconnected. I left a m...
So..am I being foolish...
It could be that he didn't re-charge the cell phone minutes...but...given where he went yesterday, I don't know if I can be that naive. Also, in the months we've been together, I can't recall a d...
Over already?
Not sure..but after 30 years I should be able to trust my instincts when it comes to him. I finally got a response to my texts after 9 last night. I didn't see it til 11 when I briefly turned the...
Not a great day..or evening (update)
F really pissed me off royally - being obnoxious and pointlessly running up minutes on cell -refusing to just call house phone. Then I think I annoyed him by asking if he remembered to renew his ...
