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Random Thoughts

by carmentheblue

Entries 195

Page 8 of 8

April 24, 2015

I want you

Often my titles are lyrics or song titles. Sometimes they have relevance to my topic. Currently i am listening to a couple albums that have had significant emotional significance in the past- mo...


Yesterday was hard. Coming to work, i felt like a big open wound, as if anything was going to make me break down, fall apart. On top of the intense counseling on Tuesday, my sleep has been poor. ...


April 22, 2015

On the lighter side

I know my last entry was a bit heavy. To balance it out, I have news: I am traveling to Turkey this summer! It has been on my list of destinations for years! I am adventurous, but have been afra...


April 22, 2015

Processing

Not much time to write, since i have a grade level chair meeting this morning at 7:30. I had a pretty intense counseling session yesterday. It left me shaky. I have to leave in a minute, but want...


April 21, 2015

Vulnerability and Trust

“..... keep telling us that they’re not mind-readers, so we have to communicate. But it’s hard! Especially when it’s something they might not want to hear.” I took that from a website i am perusi...


April 20, 2015

It wasn't me

I had some odd dreams over the weekend. First: i can face my soul in the end.... can you? Second: police abuse of power (i had two drinks last night, how can my blood alcohol be enough to hold m...


I may or may not make sense as i talk. Lately an amorphous “emotion” or set of emotions have been building up inside of me. I have tried to sit with it (but that is always hard, because one wants...


Monday back from school was tough. I couldn’t sleep well that night because my stomach was full from taking myself out for a nice dinner in Portland. I was emotionally raw and paranoid and anxiou...


With spring break coming to an end, I am: -grateful -anxious -sad -confused -satisfied .............on a precipice......... looking everywhere, but somewhat bemused by gazing downward. You know, ...


April 11, 2015

Guilty

I know shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. I feel guilty because I am going to Eugene to get pedicures with a friend and to enjoy myself and get treated well by someone who appreciates me. I did ...


April 10, 2015

Atmosphere

The soundtrack to the past couple weeks has been a Minneapolis based alt-hip hop band, Atmosphere. This album is permeating my dreams and seeped into my brain cells as i accomplish day-to-day act...


March 26, 2015

Title Here

There is not a lot to say, except that i want to write. Maybe i will come back when i have a few. Get some relief. Cry a little.... which is something i have not done much of. I feel like i cried...


March 24, 2015

Trust

Kevin is still living with me and it has been a little strange. He is currently saving money to move, even though we haven’t spoken about what his plans are and what his timeline looks like. But,...


A part of the self care i promised with my therapist and self, was to write more often. So, changes are a-comin’. My application for Bellingham schools is 100% complete. I am excitedly looking f...


I have decided to move back to Bellingham, which means leaving Kevin. I have never felt such a dichotomy of lightness of being and happiness, along with a dread of impending devastation. I know t...


January 27, 2015

I will follow my heart

It may be a difficult path, but it will happen.


January 06, 2015

Here

I have been home a little less than a week. School has started and i am teaching. Home life has been difficult, my mind and heart are in tumult. I made the poor decision to skim through my old ...


December 30, 2014

I need this

There is so much to say, and journaling is the only way I have ever been able to get it all out. I don’t even know how to start. I came back to bellingham because it has been a while. I also ha...


February 09, 2014

Coincidence

I will give this place a try. I had been posting in OD sparingly lately, with wishes to post more. Perhaps i will tell a little story. A few weeks ago i drove to Port Townsend, WA for an annual ...


January 29, 2014

Can we import OD entries?

So much of my heart and soul was poured into OpenDiary. I have downloaded all 10 years of it, but i wonder whether i can import them to prosebox?


Book Description

Who knows?