Entries 32
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Fed Up...
I am so fucking fed-up with life right now. I cannot keep going on like this nor do I want to. If we don't open this week so that I can start working again, I am just going to take everything I h...
Eish...
We have a wonderful little word here in South Africa which can be used to convey an enormous array of emotions and feelings, or even just as an exclamation, "Eish". I think it's probably Xhosa or...
Trembling and Regrets...
I'm busy trembling all over. This morning I got an email from Joanne, telling me that she still keeps dreaming of me and that it is like I come to visit her in her dreams it's so real. She said s...
F****ING CRICKETS!!!
It's 5:40am and I have been awake for about an hour, because there are 2 crickets having a big ass party somewhere in my house. I have been searching, but I can't find them. I'm going to go INSAN...
Coping Mechanisms, Getting Lost and Yuckie, Disgusting Insects...
It's been a relatively interesting day, compared to the last several days. I had my monthly appointment with my psychiatrist today and I'm going to see my psychologist on Wednesday. I really like...
"The cold never bothered me anyway!"
It's 19:30pm and the brutal sun is just about to turn in for the night, thank God. It hasn't been this hot in a long time, it reminds me of being in a 45C (115F) kitchen with no aircon during sea...
Heat :/
Oh God, it's not even 11am yet and it's already 31C (89F). It's going to be a long, sweaty day. Apparently it's going to go up to 39C (102F). Fuck...
Enough...
I am feeling so terribly lonely today. Every day it just becomes more apparent to me that I have 0 friends. My phone hasn't made a sound in days, not that I was expecting it to. Ugh, this sucks. ...
Today I went to go pick up my doggies after they stayed over at my stepsister's dad's place for a few days. They often stay over at his place, because my he and my stepmother were still together ...
Good ol' J.R, Jim Ross. A rush of nostalgia and a childish smile...
My inner child let out an enormous squeal of joy today when I received an email informing me that the one and only J.R, "Good ol' Jim Ross" answered and replied to a question I left on his websit...
At least I feel a bit more "normal" now...
I have a neighbor who is an absolute nutter, and coming from me, that means something. He hasn't been that much of a problem up until recently. I live in a housing complex that has 4 different ho...
Curse you, Neil Diamond.
My thoughts have started to turn to the slowly, but surely approaching Valentine's Day. A big part of me wants to message Caroline and tell her how much I wish that she was here so that I could s...
Mountains, Voting, Training and Flashbacks...
Yesterday was the first day I didn't write an entry since starting my online journal. I actually joined the online journal community at a very weird time. I had just set up an OD account and when...
The Sounds and The Echoes...
As I lay here, the room cast in darkness, the light playing through the windows and streaming through the blinds, I hear the echoes and voices from outside, each one teasing me, stinging like alc...
Part 3 can wait... Down in the dumps today.
I've been chronicling the story regarding myself and J for the last 2 days, but part 3 is going to have to wait for a while, because my first major obstacle has since leaving the clinic has risen...
A Familiar Place... (Part 2)
I'm ready to write the next part of this story now, so I'll continue where I left off, after J had just left my house after our first night together. So of course, after a night/morning like tha...
A Familiar Place... (Part 1)
Every other Wednesday I pay a visit to a very familiar place. I go to see my psychologist at the psychiatric clinic that I've been admitted to twice. This is the same psychiatric clinic where I m...
Get to know me :)
**Get to Know Me** What is you middle name? Adriaan (I go by my middle name) How old are you? 23 When is your birthday? 1st of November What is your zodiac sign? Scorpio all the way. What is y...
Somebody call the Waaahmbulance!!
I just received an email from the general manager that there have been further setbacks and that we will only be opening towards the end of the month... Add that to everything I mentioned in my p...
This waiting is driving me mad. The builders are still busy and we can't open for business yet. I don't know what to do with my time anymore. I finished my training, had a shower, got dressed, ma...
"The Brightest Light of Them All"...
I am having a rough day. I have this incredible yearning to go "home", but I don't know where home is. I am craving warmth, love, comfort and safety. It's not that my current living environment i...
I used to study law?
Today my stepmother went to go visit her 18 year old daughter who just moved out to Stellenbosch to start her environmental sciences (or something like that) studies at the University of Stellenb...
So I was bitching about the heat yesterday, but now I have the pleasure of experiencing the closest rival to my most hated weather condition, humidity. The reasons that I despise humidity are sim...
I'm MELTING!
Today was a blistering 36°C. My dogs were lying on the cold tiles and I really thought they were on to something here, so I have joined them on the floor in my underwear. Luckily it's around 19:1...
Living life in the current state of "limbo" I am in sucks. Some days aren't bad, I do my training, play with the dogs, maybe take them for a long walk, watch some wrestling, play a game, test and...
Book Description
Hello everybody!
My name is Michiel Adriaan Potgieter, quite a mouthful, so just call me Adriaan or simply AD.
I am a 20-something year old from Cape Town South Africa who has up to this point led a bit of a different life and experienced a bit more than my peers. I work as a pattisier and baker at an upmarket new Bistro/Bakery and I am very passionate about my work. The pastry and baking field, all of it’s little technicalities, details, scientific reactions and artistic expression keeps me fascinated and happy, even during the darkest of times.
I have led a bit of a rough life so far, suffering from severe social and general anxiety disorder, severe recurring depression syndrome, obsessive compulsive syndrome and body dysmorphia and having been on a lovely cocktail of medications since the age of 9 has caused me some trouble and heartache. That, combined with less than pleasurable events and environments, have made things very difficult for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to look for anyone’s pity, I have had my fair share of that, but I wish I could just make people understand that there is a difference between someone saying “Ugh, I feel so depressed today.” and somebody like me and I really hate it when people see me as inferior because of it and that whole “If you say you’re depressed, then you will be depressed.” or “Just snap out of it!” nonsense just drives me up the wall. I wouldn’t have spent a small fortune over the years on psychiatrists, psychologists, medications and doctors if it was that easy. But anyway, enough of that.
I am a very loving and caring person, but I am very shy. Some days, just walking down the street is a challenge for me and I feel that the ground would just open up and swallow me in. I always feel inferior to, inadequate and “less than” other people, especially people my age. I have a very poor self image and little to no self-confidence. Pretty much all my sources of confidence throughout the years have been external. You see, I was extremely overweight as a young kid as I started comfort eating at the time my parents divorced. That combined with being surrounded with an abusive older brother, who would eventually become a psychotic, schizophrenic, prostituting crystal meth addict, as well as the teasing that came along with that pretty much ruined any real confidence I had. I then switched around completely and started intense and hardcore bodybuilding, clean eating and obsessing over my body. I was looking great, but still feeling like crap, but hey, I was receiving attention and affection, so I did that for a bunch of years until I completely burnt out. Now I am trying to live in between this black and white thinking, in the grey areas.
I am what you might call a loner. I don’t mind my own company and prefer it at times. As I said, I am a very loving and caring person who has a lot to give and I can be the kindest and most giving person in the world if I am able to feel safe enough to open up to you, but I can also be one of the biggest a**holes that you have ever met if I feel that you do not respect me and my loved ones.
But not everything is all doom and gloom… I have a very wacky and witty sense of humour and I love to mess around with those I am close to, crack jokes and just have good old, plain fun. I absolutely LOVE professional wrestling and have loved it since the age of 5. I don’t know if it serves as an escape or if I’m just a sucker for it, but my God I love it. I also love stand up comedy, mostly British stuff like Rob Bryden, David Mitchell, Stephen Fry, Allan Davies, Jack Whitehall etc.
So basically, the things that you can look forward to seeing from my “journal” are the following :
- Lots of pictures of all my pastry and baking creations.
- Regular updates on my life (the good and the bad).
- Lots of witty and quirky jokes.
- Potential rants.
- Wrestling nonsense.
- Stories from my past.
So feel free to join me as I ramble on about my life and make lots of, at times, inappropriate jokes as an attempt at receiving affection. So if you don’t think I am absolutely batsh*t crazy and want nothing to do with me, then welcome to my world…
Thanks for reading and have a lovely day.
Adriaan
