Entries 95
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Anger, hurt, fear
I’m angry today. I was angry yesterday, too. Fuck you, you know? For making me love you so much and then dying. Not breaking up, not making me hate you first, no .. loving you so fully & com...
These tears
I spent most of today crying. I couldn’t settle and accomplish anything really. I just cried. I guess today showed me that perhaps some days are easier than others, and today was a very difficul...
One day at a time
… thats become my universal answer whenever anyone asks how I am … one day at a time. It’s a lie, but it’s easier than saying fucking horrible or awful or I don’t care and if respond with, “good...
Relentless
You’ve been gone 94 days and the pain is just as sharp as it was on day 1. They say grief can last like this for years. I can believe that. When you love someone as much and for as long as I hav...
Exposed
I had the worst Canada Day, ever. Ever. I tried psyching myself up all day to walk the half block to the lake and take in the massive festivities like we did last year but … it wouldn’t be the s...
Gone girl
I want to disappear. Realistically I want to be with you, but I’m entirely too much of a coward to join you. I’m sure not a single person would blame me if I took my own life. They would cast t...
Dreams
You’ve not come back to see me in my dreams since the night after you died. I don’t understand why. When you were alive, sleeping next to me, I would dream about you all the time. But that 1st ...
Slowly
I went for brunch with your Mum and sister today. It was really nice to sit over coffee & eggs and talk about you, smile, and let our eyes get misty now and then. I walked the two blocks hom...
The report
I received the final forensic pathology & coroner’s report yesterday. I guess somehow I thought that reading them over would make this real? It did not. The pathology report showed you only ...
Who I am
I guess if you’re new here all you really know about me is that the love of my life died in his sleep beside me 80 days ago. A few of you know me from my OpenDiary days circa 2001 and beyond, an...
Mortality
My own mortality has been heavily on my mind since you left. Not because I have any plans to join you, though it would seem so easy, wouldn’t it? But because of the suddenness of it all. You wer...
The coroner called ..
The pathology & final autopsy report are finished, and just confirmed the preliminary findings he told me at the time of your autopsy. Massive heart attack. 95% occlusion. Widow maker. Pre...
2 months
Two entire months today. How can that be? It seems like yesterday. And there’s still so long to live without you . I suppose reality has sunk in. My world may have come to a full halt, but the re...
Guilt
The guilt is still crushing. I had one job … one. To take care of you. And I failed. I blame myself. I should have seen the signs. I should have forced you to the doctor, that was my fucking job ...
Endless
I went for a walk in the rain this morning. We should have walked more, Babes. Would that have made your heart stronger? Or would it have made it worse? So many questions. I don’t even know if wh...
Hmm
I’m so angry still. I’ve tried hard not be but fuck if I’m not furious. Not at you but at your death. I know it’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. That’s why I’m so pissed. Fuck that, you kno...
Time
It’s our anniversary today. You know, the “til death do us part” one .. I hope you don’t mind that I still recognize today, even though death did us part. I guess I never really took that seriou...
This is me trying
Music has kept me sane .. it always has. But now more than ever. The last two days have been surreal .. I know you’re here with me. As skeptical as I am, there’s no way the random songs & s...
Uncomfortably numb
Numbness has settled in deeply. Have I perhaps accepted your death? 5 weeks tomorrow. Has it taken me this long to accept that you’re not coming back? Or is this numb indifference just for toda...
Waiting
Waiting. I wait. It’s all I do is wait. I wait to hear the bedroom door open in the morning, because I was always up earlier than you and snuck out to let you sleep. I save the last cup of coffe...
Shhh
The silence is deafening. I sit in the stillness of the living room, staring blankly at your memorial shelf. The sun moves across the sky, I know it does because the shadows turn slowly around ...
A broken heart
I didn’t know it was possible to literally break your heart, but it is. In times of intense trauma & loss, your heart can actually break and mimic a heart attack. Untreated, you can die of a ...
With me
You’re home with me now. Your Dad brought you to me. We wept together. I thought perhaps that holding your urn would make it more real? It doesn’t. You would like your urn, I think. I hope you...
I wasn't done
I wasn’t done loving you. I wasn’t done making memories with you. I wasn’t done holding you. Kissing you. Laughing with you. I wasn’t done. I wasn’t fucking done. There’s so much longer to li...
Go
I don’t want to be here. I don’t. This world terrifies me without you. I’m so scared. I went to bed at 11pm and by 5:30am decided that I probably wasn’t going to eventually fall asleep, so I’m...
