Entries 95
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Heavy
I strained and struggled and managed to get the weighted blanket back on the bed yesterday. It’s a shockingly difficult task to maneuver a 40lb king size blanket onto a queen size bed by yourself...
It's not just grief
Losing Babes is, by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, yes. But losing him has been the culmination of a difficult life .. blistered with moments of happiness but they never outnumbere...
Just leave me
I feel like I’m on the losing end of a tug-o-war .. the rope taut over a yawning chasm of nothingness. Just let me go. For someone who will never have the gonads to end it all herself, I think a...
Hollow
I did shit today. I did a little shit yesterday too .. just shampooing a 4×4 area of carpet where the girls eat, but it got done. Honestly just super duper amplifies how badly the rest of the ca...
The after
I want to scream. Long and loud, until my throat is dry and my voice nothing more than a cracked whisper. Scream and rage and cry. Thump my fists into the ground, the air, myself. Roar until the...
What they say
If I hear “he’s alive in your heart” or “he’ll always be with you in your memories” one more time .. or what about, “you’ll learn to live without him” … or .. or maybe, “he wouldn’t want you to h...
Misery loves solitude
281 days. I don’t know how so much time has passed. I’ve existed in a fog of grief. Nothing more. Nothing less. The doctor has prescribed sleeping meds for me. It takes hours for me to fall asle...
Goundhog day
It’s been a while. You’re still dead. It’s been 270 days … each one of them the same as the one before. I haven’t left the apartment in months. I managed a few hours with your family on Thanksgi...
Drowning
The tears are wrenching out of me in gasps and whimpers. Tomorrow is my birthday. The first one without you. Why should my birthday matter? It doesn’t. I was never much of a birthday person, bu...
They smelled like the morgue
I think I dreamt of you last night. It was a regular morning this morning. After Dee went off to school, I was sitting on the couch having coffee, the radio was playing quietly in the backgroun...
Scribbles
My FIL just dropped my laptop back off to me, complete with a brand new hardrive and my old hardrive in plastic in case anything was on it when it cooked. I’m flabbergasted. I had mentioned to hi...
162 days
I knew that number would continue to climb … forever … I just didn’t realize how quickly and painfully slowly at the same time it would grow. And how desperately I wish every day that it would st...
Shhh
I turned the radio off a little while ago. It’s quiet. I was afraid of the silence at first but now it feels like I have a moment to just stop .. stop everything. Stop thinking. Stop hurting. St...
Trying
It’s all too much. It’s just too much. It’s too much nothing. Everything is too much nothing. I hate waking up in the morning. I hate it. Another day without you, fabulous. I can’t wait for bedt...
Differences
I’ve lost track of what stage of grief I’m in or should be in or some shit. All the books I’ve read say that grief is different for everyone so I shouldn’t expect it in stages like previously tho...
Void
Yesterday the tears rolled silently down my cheeks all day. Today they come in gasping waves. Wave upon wave of sobs, crying out for you to come back. Over and over. It wasn’t supposed to be lik...
On dying ..
It’s a strange place to be .. not wanting to die, but not wanting to live either. It’s been 146 days since you left and you don’t even know it - I’m the only one counting .. the only one keeping...
Things and other things
The struggle bus has been chugging along ever so slowly these last few weeks. I hadn’t dusted or vacuumed or taken the garbage out or done the dishes in days. Dee hasn’t been home in 4 days, he’...
I think it's time to go
I’ve been sobbing for days. Not crying. Sobbing. I guess that’s what happens when the reality of my situation finally makes its way from my head to my heart. I can’t stay here. I want to, I do...
No
Your Dad came by this evening, and brought me weed. It’s sweet that he still thinks of me. It was nice to chat with him for a bit. We talked about you. He smiled and tapped the Toronto face mask ...
Loves
Every night I switch off the light for the case your urn is in and say goodnight to you. Tonight I told you I loved you and said goodnight .. and then I stood there in the darkness and whispered...
One hundred and twenty one
That’s how many days you’ve been gone. I can’t even fathom. It gets better, they say. I hate hearing that. But then, yesterday, I was thinking about it … I suppose it has gotten better in ways? ...
Untangle the bullshit
The only way I’m going to figure this out is if I get it written out. A few weeks ago I received a messaged from someone I didn’t know regarding my ex-husband. Lemme just back up for a second … L...
A lot of BS + photos, finally
Okay, so, thanks to a fellow PB’er, I now know how to make photos work. It’s kind of a bitch on my phone but I’m too lazy to boot up my laptop so I made collages instead to take up less room. He...
Conversation
I’m desperate to talk to you. There’s so much I want to tell you. So much I want you to tell me. You would make all this make sense. If you were here to make it make sense … it wouldn’t have to m...
