Entries 119

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Hyperfixating on people is awful. I honestly don’t know how to tell a crush from a hyperfixation, until it wears off. I’ve maintained crushes for decades, but a hyperfocus on a person dissolves ...

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I’m in a fractionally better headspace this week, though that might tank since M is gone for a week for testing again. He’s positive he’s going to fail. We were talking about this, this evening,...

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Well, this seems to be a pattern. When I am actively trying to give my brain some distance from work I can’t write. On Thursday I went to the gym, then I went to talk to the PA. She was nice, g...

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Oooh boy yesterday was a doozy. On my way to the gym I called for a walk in appointment with our health services folks. After the gym a mental health nurse called me to assess… I guess my leve...

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I got written up. I’m not even going to try to say it was not justified. There are aspects that they are 100% correct about. But they also put in the part about m...

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Like, not ill. Like something is eating away at me from the inside. Like a vague nausea. Like anxiety and depression and hopelessness and ungratefulness and rage and this desperate aching desir...

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I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. My brain has been fighting me on everything. I went back to work after our little anniversary extended long weekend to find out that I was put on a t...

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Last Saturday was our 10th wedding anniversary. We usually take some time off around the holiday, and we do try to do a little trip (we’ve done St. John’s and Toronto, and I feel like there’s an...

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My Godmother died October 1st, at about 9am. Her friend J was with her in the end, and J kept my sister informed as things happened. I didn’t feel anything except vague relief. That’s not enti...

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TW: palliative care What Sarah Said About two weeks ago, my Godmother was admitted to the hospital with a mystery chest infection. Now, the back story is that my Godmother has had MS as long a...

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I have written about my problem with disappointing birthdays before. So when we started planning a trip to the Island with mom for the weekend of my birthday I was worried that I would find “my ...

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If I didn’t work… I sat with that sentence for some time. I had started to say, “If I didn’t work, my life would be better”. But when I typed the word “work”, my brain interjected “for my emplo...

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I had the best day last Sunday. I want to start here because it was such a good day. Red was visiting her parents, so Red’s husband, Mandy, Red’s husband’s bestie and I went to a local brewery th...

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I am so disconnected from my people here. I feel like I will never catch up. And I never will if I don’t actually read your posts. It annoys me, the stupid cycle of - thing exists - thing makes m...

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M is home. He got home last Friday. The difference in both of us since his return is actually mind boggling. The anger and apathy that plagued his texts is basically gone. The low feelings and p...

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My feelings about M’s absence improve greatly when we’re able to talk on the phone. I hate the phone. But I also can’t infer M’s state of mind from texts, especially when they’re always angry ran...

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I have been mainlining Star Trek. Before M left we watched all of the star trek movies. Well, “all”, up until 2009 (which is where the title reference comes from. Since he left I’ve been rewatc...

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The short week was good for my brain. But I’m having a hard time not feeling generally miserable without M. On Wednesday I got a call from the optometrist that my glasses were ready! I settled o...

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I haven’t exactly been avoiding writing, more like I’ve been avoiding thinking. M left Wednesday morning, and we’ve been texting pretty steady since then. He did his test on Thursday, and “It’s d...

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Been doing some grade A Adulting lately, and feeling pretty good about things. But M leaves in 8h and I’m going to miss the shit out of him. A week ago I finally saw an optometrist. He did all ...

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Stolen. I really wanted to write jokes for most of these, but I erased them and really tried to be earnest. This is pie in the sky stuff. Fantasy self that I’d love to make a reality. Personal —...

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This is 100% for me, feel free to not pay attention to my minimalism readings. recognise benefits - as you declutter, pay attention to the good thoughts and feelings that come from it. “It’s eas...

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I spent the whole day in such a rage… by now I’m just exhausted. Which is letting the sad creep in. Somewhere in the transition intrusive thoughts joined the chat. It’s nice that I got a chance t...

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She also says it’s not a compliment, as though it’s an objective statement. She was basically saying that it’s amazing that I manage to keep perspective despite the extreme emotional response I h...

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As usual either life is humming along and I don’t think about writing, or I think about writing but haven’t figured out what to say yet. I try to write after therapy because that seems to genera...

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