Entries 51

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It is shocking that I still sometimes dream about someone after three and a half years. I go through waves where it feels like all is resolved, and then this aftertaste shows me it’s not. He was...

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Lately, I’ve felt exceptionally dull. In conversations, I feel that I have nothing to contribute. There is just so little on my mind that feels of significance. I don’t think I’ve had a thought ...

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I have the worst drive for sustaining friendships, but maybe it is because I tend to seek peculiar dynamics. I’ve become friends with multiple people after deciding we weren’t sexually or romant...

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As I get older, many things are different to think about, feel, and look at. Even watching true crime and forensic shows has changed. When I was in my early and mid-teens, my family always had F...

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I find talking on here by myself, to myself, is the easiest way to convey my thoughts. I know that it is considered healthiest to talk to friends, family, trusted people, etc about your thoughts...

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Something I have been battling recently is my boredom and sobriety. Sometimes I lay here in bed and think about how boring it is to be sober. I never had a specific drinking or drug problem, but...

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Tonight I am struggling with the frailty of attraction. How one thing can change and suddenly you aren’t as desirable as you once were. This is coming from a place of a degraded ego on my part. ...

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I feel my biggest weakness in writing here is my redundancy. I constantly circled back to the same core issues about my conflicting feelings about desire, love, connection, and worldview. Seeing...

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In a twisted way, it brings me joy to know that the cut still stings for you, too. I’m not alone in my bitterness. Though you’re the reason for the bitterness, you’re the only other person who s...

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How is it possible that after 3 years, seeing you nearby still makes me feel sick? How is it that you still have some bit of a grasp on me? I’ve never wanted to feel like I’m 20 again in that wa...

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There are so many binaries in life that we are expected to be in one or the other but never in between them. Existing as I do sparks confusion: to be feminine with body hair and masculine with so...

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After evaluating who I’ve been, who I hope to be, and what I desire, I’ve realized I’m a prude. I think I’m actually quite a sex-negative person. First of all, I find my experiences to have been ...

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One of the emerging conflicts in my life is how I compartmentalize. It has all existed to guard my soul and stay private and reserved. Throughout K-12, I never would hang out with friends outsid...

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I have no clue what happens in my brain. It seems to undergo times of relative thoughtlessness and unawareness. I feel like I have been out of consciousness for a solid minute. I’ve had some dece...

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There are things that I am beginning to think will haunt me forever. They aren’t even things that I did, but injustices close to me, whether emotionally or geographically. Things that happened ye...

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For the first time in a while, I had a dream about you. It isn’t like the old ones though of sentiment and yearning. This time it was more like I saw you in public while I looked awful and then I...

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What an awful habit I’ve developed. I can only seem to work in the face of deadlines and when hit with adrenaline. When I know I have time, I cannot do work. I think I would need the rush of a gu...

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One of the largest mysteries of life and my mind is infatuation and love. Just how in the span of a day, you can feel like you have fallen in and out of love with someone. The entire rush of gett...

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Lately, I’ve had to confront the person I am compared to my expectations when I was younger. I know who I am now likely won’t be who I am forever. All I’ve been able to think about lately is how ...

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For the life of me, when I’m emotionally neutral, I cannot write or think on a level that is at all profound. There were months when I was prolific, writing 4 poems a day, frequent journal entrie...

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The experiences that get to me the most are the ones where you are made to feel stupid for being nice or kind. I always try to be understanding and empathetic, I want people to feel comfortable w...

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This is practically the antithesis of yesterday’s entry. But today I was online and was recommended the profile of someone who once screwed me over romantically. The profile was nearly blank, wit...

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One of the curses that has been bestowed upon me is my inability to let go of grudges. I wish that I didn’t care and could just move on, but god, I am bitter for eternity. No matter how small of ...

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Last night and tonight while washing my face, I broke out into uncontrollable laughter. Last night was just about some experiences I’ve had with dating, like a man offering to drive an hour on th...

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There has been something about today that has made me think about different aspects of myself. Everything has felt relatively fast, action-packed, and intense in all I’ve done. I was listening to...

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