Entries 43
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Mutual debt
In a twisted way, it brings me joy to know that the cut still stings for you, too. I’m not alone in my bitterness. Though you’re the reason for the bitterness, you’re the only other person who s...
Broken record
How is it possible that after 3 years, seeing you nearby still makes me feel sick? How is it that you still have some bit of a grasp on me? I’ve never wanted to feel like I’m 20 again in that wa...
Mouldings
There are so many binaries in life that we are expected to be in one or the other but never in between them. Existing as I do sparks confusion: to be feminine with body hair and masculine with so...
About Sex
After evaluating who I’ve been, who I hope to be, and what I desire, I’ve realized I’m a prude. I think I’m actually quite a sex-negative person. First of all, I find my experiences to have been ...
The Dissonance of Self and Desire
One of the emerging conflicts in my life is how I compartmentalize. It has all existed to guard my soul and stay private and reserved. Throughout K-12, I never would hang out with friends outsid...
Just Whining
I have no clue what happens in my brain. It seems to undergo times of relative thoughtlessness and unawareness. I feel like I have been out of consciousness for a solid minute. I’ve had some dece...
Animal Kind
There are things that I am beginning to think will haunt me forever. They aren’t even things that I did, but injustices close to me, whether emotionally or geographically. Things that happened ye...
Oh, Another
For the first time in a while, I had a dream about you. It isn’t like the old ones though of sentiment and yearning. This time it was more like I saw you in public while I looked awful and then I...
Procrastinate.
What an awful habit I’ve developed. I can only seem to work in the face of deadlines and when hit with adrenaline. When I know I have time, I cannot do work. I think I would need the rush of a gu...
How so
One of the largest mysteries of life and my mind is infatuation and love. Just how in the span of a day, you can feel like you have fallen in and out of love with someone. The entire rush of gett...
Grandeur Lost
Lately, I’ve had to confront the person I am compared to my expectations when I was younger. I know who I am now likely won’t be who I am forever. All I’ve been able to think about lately is how ...
Neutral
For the life of me, when I’m emotionally neutral, I cannot write or think on a level that is at all profound. There were months when I was prolific, writing 4 poems a day, frequent journal entrie...
Cyber Dissonance
The experiences that get to me the most are the ones where you are made to feel stupid for being nice or kind. I always try to be understanding and empathetic, I want people to feel comfortable w...
Karmic Neutrality
This is practically the antithesis of yesterday’s entry. But today I was online and was recommended the profile of someone who once screwed me over romantically. The profile was nearly blank, wit...
Grudges
One of the curses that has been bestowed upon me is my inability to let go of grudges. I wish that I didn’t care and could just move on, but god, I am bitter for eternity. No matter how small of ...
Laughing it all away
Last night and tonight while washing my face, I broke out into uncontrollable laughter. Last night was just about some experiences I’ve had with dating, like a man offering to drive an hour on th...
Questions of Toxicity
There has been something about today that has made me think about different aspects of myself. Everything has felt relatively fast, action-packed, and intense in all I’ve done. I was listening to...
Titles
Tonight all I can seem to think about are titles and projections. Just all the things we are told we are, or are said about us, and the implications of those things. All the things that are arbit...
Creative Phenomenon
I am currently experiencing a personal phenomenon. There has been a palpable shift progressing in my mind for months now, but I feel it fully at this moment. There is just this overwhelming sense...
Dichotomy of Partying
I met up with some friends I hadn’t seen in a while, they were around for the holiday. The experience was overall unpleasant I’ll say. My friend brought her new man along to introduce him; to be ...
Too practical
Sometimes I am reminded of the variation of the human mind. I have witnessed some people in my life who are said to be smart, but they aren’t very intelligent. I have a half-sister who did a degr...
Abstinent
It is the season of getting drunk with the family. I have been sober since July. I tend to do the extremes in life, in that I am all or nothing. There have been too many moments of embarrassment ...
In the mall
Something has reignited in me after years, suddenly I can’t help but to begin writing creatively again. Maybe it is due to the frequent journaling that has allowed my thoughts to breathe and refo...
As a fetish
Recently something has been brought to my attention. My appearance is androgynous, it isn’t something that I consciously fostered, it is just what I’m drawn to I guess. There have just been more ...
Questionable Desire
I’ve made it through so much of my life being quiet and unrecognizable, but suddenly for the first time in my life, I have the desire to be known. Just for my peers to see who I am I guess, and t...
Book Description
just thoughts that are meant for me, that I want to share