Dear Loveawake,

Why do girls say they want someone nice and open with their feelings, when they then only respond to self-centered jerks who insult them?

-Kind but Confused

Dear KBC,

As with many things concerning the heart and psychology, the answer to this really varies depending on the person in question.  If you’re talking about a specific girl, here’s some common issues:

It’s possible that the girl is initially responding not to cruelty or arrogance, but confidence. Sadly, some people have a problem telling the difference, especially when it’s a first impression.  Confidence is to be desired, arrogance or cruelty is not, but sometimes people of both sexes make a bad judgement call.

Perhaps the girl has low self-esteem. When she talks to you about what she really wants, she’s really saying it to herself.  Maybe she doesn’t even consciously know this yet; maybe, as she talks about her desires, she’s working through in her mind what she really wants.

Maybe this girl has no idea that the object of her desire is a jerk. You might have seen a side of him that she hasn’t.  People often act one way when they’re comfortable, and completely differently when they’re trying to impress someone.

Now, those were assuming you’ve witnessed a girl say she wants one thing and respond to something else.  However, I’ve heard many guys bring up this question, and often they’re speaking in generalized terms – they assume all girls say they want one thing, and they assume all girls respond to jerks and insults.  This is simply not true.

We here at Loveawake dating site don’t subscribe to the whole pick-up artist mentality – that dating requires manipulation or deception.  And we’re women who require respect.  In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever met a girl who likes to be insulted.  A little back-and-forth teasing is one thing, but most women can tell the difference between humor and meanness (again, barring a deeper problem, like a self-esteem issue).

The short answer is, you probably don’t want to date a girl who responds to jerks, whatever the reason.  There are plenty of women out there who truly go for the nice guy – and when you find her, the search will have been worth it.