Entries 41

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I’m done. Absolutely done. I don’t want any more of your shit. I need you to just shut the fuck up. Listen to me for the first time in your life. Stop. Just stop. Listen. I can’t take the blame. ...

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I was young- how young I don’t know- I’ve had a melancholy overcome me in the autumn. I feel it now, if only in a far less intense, shadowy way. I was just thinking about the depths of depressio...

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Recently I have unearthed several pivotal moments in the genesis of my self image. One was when I was about 12 I think, my mother stood me in front of a full length mirror and asked me “Do you l...

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Assessing my own body image has been difficult. Because it’s… well… complicated. Body image comes not from being told things about ourselves, usually, but from our same-sex parent’s self image. ...

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I like listening to the call-ins because delving into childhood is so fascinating. Analyze your first dreams. You cannot think about them too much. They are the distilled philosophy of life bein...

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This will be a quick entry because it’s DH’s birthday(woo!) and I’m running him lunch in an hour. But the thought that struck me this last couple of days- since my mother has for the past 3 years...

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My dad once took a whole day, with my little brother, to not treat me like shit. They didn’t tell me what they were doing. It was a “secret” between them to see what would happen. One whole day. ...

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My dad continues to haunt me. It is one thing to observe, interpret and judge events and the environment which transpires around you. It is another to impose your choices upon those around you, ...

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I’m sure exactly when it left, but it did. It’s sort of surreal, you know, to realize that at some point the ache in your soul you’ve felt your entire life has evaporated. Was it slow? Was it spo...

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I’ve had trouble tracking names, faces, behaviors, identities, over time. It’s been like walking through a mass of thick fog. It does not lift, and it does not differentiate. It is endless and it...

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Ignore my brother as soon as I discovered that I had a choice. For my entire life, I have carried the guilt, shame, and embarrassment of how I was to my brother when we were little. I still carr...

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I’ve started to realize that I guard my vulnerability closely. Even now, after so much work and opening up and trying so hard to connect with that vulnerability. It is distant. Aloof. When I thi...

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unloved? I have thought to myself in the past, why must I always spurn and reject the love offered to me? Which is, at once tragic and hopelessly nihilistic. I took the blame, always, for being...

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Why am I not loved? At one time another part would respond that I am not worth loving. No one loves me, and that is proof enough. Another, or the same, part might then suggest that my parents “l...

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Kids make up stories in their imaginative play about what they experience. It might be de-personalized (actually I think it almost always is) and roles reversed, or maybe not. It is concerning to...

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From Thou Shalt Not Be Aware by Alice Miller. Emphasis my own. …In therapy, my colleague’s four-year-old patient immediately assumed the active role of the aggressor as a way of describing to her...

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I love to write. I love writing writing writing writing. The pen on paper gliding so smoooothly, leaving perfectly orchestrated lines of print behind, the meaning of which can forever be seen by ...

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I do keep checking the Spam folder to see if my mom emailed me again. I don’t even recall what day it was, if it was still March or early April, that I saw that mom had emailed again and I just ...

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My relationship with Free Will has always been one of mistrust or perhaps disbelief. My middle school counselor told me “I really thought you were lying. I’m not sure why.” I didn’t respond, but...

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My son is asleep still and the house is quiet. The neighbor is mowing and the the dryer is going- a load of diapers. My life is rhythmical and serene. I flow with the seasons; my will is graceful...

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There is an emotional reality present within all of us. I say reality, because our emotional experience is empirical, objective, and involuntary. Just as I cannot will away the check engine ligh...

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These last few weeks, I’ve been wondering what affect my dad’s fathering has had on me. I knew it wasn’t good; I just couldn’t seem to sift through all the shit and pin anything down. I couldn’t...

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I am plagued by so much self- blame. People point it out to me all the time. “But, that isn’t your fault,” they say. “Why are you taking responsibility for that?” or “You’re So much nicer than I...

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I haven’t spoken to my dad since my cousin’s wedding in September. He didn’t speak to me at all then, other than giving me a look of disgust when I came to say good-bye. Before that, I hadn’t spo...

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for an apology. I didn’t ask for the impossible. I asked for an open non-blaming conversation for you to take responsibility for your choices and actions for some form of connection, if you want...

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