Entries 58
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Speak only when spoken to.
Children are to be seen and not heard. Those two statements pretty much sum up everything I learned from my mother as a young child. Unfortunately, they have carried over well into adulthood. I s...
The world would be better off...
ā¦without me. Iāve had this thought pass through my mind more times than I could count. Iām sensitive (overly-sensitive, some would say) and sometimes when my feelings get hurt (and no shame in a...
I feel like I have some explaining to do...
because that is what trauma survivors do. Unhealed childhood trauma can manifest in a lot of ways, like being a people pleaser, always feeling on high alert, having fears of abandonment, tolerat...
Uncertainty.
I am beginning to recognize some things about the way my brain has been working lately, things Iām feeling not too sure about. Usually when Iām having negative thoughts, I can recognize whether o...
Obsessed.
I am obsessive. Well, obsessive-compulsive. One of the things Iām obsessed with is efficiency. I like picking tasks apart and figuring out the most efficient ways of completing them. No, wait, I...
Pandemic
Self-isolation is nothing new to me. Itās something I have been doing on and off (mostly on) for a lot of my adult life. Forced self-isolation doesnāt feel so great, though. And Iām not completel...
LSD Revelations
So, yeah, I honestly donāt feel like I have PTSD anymore. Like, I donāt have the crippling-anxiety-hyperventilating-might-be-about-to-die bad memory flashbacks anymore. The memories are still the...
Hard to love.
I was told that many times, by many men. I am hard to love. I believed that for a long time. Hell, I think a part of me still believes it. All the time, I think to myself, āDonāt do that, youāll ...
Back to work.
After almost a month off due to crazy neck and head shit, I got to go back to work today. I made it 5 hours without much pain. Mostly back and neck spasms and a dull little headache. I think this...
That feeling when...
ā¦ you have a complete meltdown on your almost-12-year-old son because you realize in the middle of your lecture that you shouldnāt be surprised at all by his shitty ass behavior. All heās ever se...
Me.
That was a thing I never allowed myself to be. Once in awhile, sheād leak out a little, but I always had to stuff her back in her box and keep her quiet becauseā¦ Well, we all know why. Every tim...
Boundaries.
I think I never learned what boundaries were in the terms of which I think of them now, as an adult. The concept of personal boundaries is fairly new to me, actually. Like, maybe in the last year...
Insecurity.
I was going to title this entry āFear,ā but I realized that my fears are rooted in insecurities. My dad died. Of course Iām depressed. I can tell myself, and everyone else, that heās better off n...
Two in a row.
I feel like I keep messing up. I donāt talk about the right things, or say the right things sometimes. I feel like it annoys you and then I ask myself, āWho should I be so as not to annoy him?ā A...
Rainy Season
Itās been 6 days since my second LSD trip. I am not experiencing the same effects as the first time, the lack of anxiety, the euphoria. I mean, I am, but not as intensely. Also, I have no idea wh...
Dissociation.
I did the stupid thing and went on the internet to diagnose myself. I actually filled out this questionnaire and scoredā¦ wellā¦ pretty fucking high. This questionnaire scores you on the Dissociati...
Life after death.
I donāt know why, but that phrase is stuck in my head. Sometimes it feels like the old me died and this is my life after death, a life I never expected to have. Very surprising, this whole thing....
Overwhelmed.
A lot of things are happening. A lot of thoughts and ideas and decisions, a lot of changes, in myself and in my world. So, so many emotions. Iām having an anxiety attack right now. An old-fashio...
Daughter.
I have one. Iāve probably written about her, I donāt really know. Actually, in this journal as it exists today, there may be no mention. I canāt recall and canāt be bothered to look. Anyway, sheā...
I'm not okay...
ā¦ but I will be. This wonāt last forever. The sun will shine again and Iāll be okay. For a bit, anyway. Or a minute. (sigh) Feeling incredibly overwhelmed with both extreme depression and mania....
Oh, hello... Part 2
I got to go to Detroit on Monday with my little dude to see my big dude in his first college concert band concert. It was amazing and didnāt last nearly long enough. We miss him lots. We got to t...
Oh, hello...
ā¦manic depression. (sigh) Life is nothing but an endless cycle of pain and attempts to mitigate it. Too many things in a very short time span, too much to process, canāt do it. And now, the dar...
How to forgive myself for being bipolar.
Being bipolar (among all the many other things) affects my behaviors (obviously), but my behaviors affect my relationships with other humans. More often than not, my behaviors change in negative ...
So. Much. Mania.
Pretty sure Iāve been in the iron grip of a powerful manic episode for about 3 weeks now. You know, they say if you experience a manic episode lasting longer than 7 days, you should check yoursel...
Drugs are not always bad.
So a thing I realized about myself just now is that I am juggling a hell of a lot of balls for one human. Like, I have so many balls in the air, I am worth 20 men or more. I find myself, this ev...
