Entries 15
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Im Scared
Scared to hope. Is this God sending me a hand. The life rope I’ve been begging for? Or am I jumping to conclusions, wanting so desperately for a way out? Is this a test to see if I’ve learned be...
If You Were Here
I wish I could take you up on that offer you made so long ago to talk to God for me. I wish you’d pray for me and ask God to send me a partner. Someone who would be a good match for me and make m...
Unexpected
Then suddenly as I’m headed to hay for the night I see the words on my screen. So unexpected. My heart lurched and I stared at the screen, blinked, looked away, then stared again. Still there. Yo...
Pondering
I’ve been thinking of you again tonight. Thinking of how I may come to be yours forever. Not your wife, of course, but yours in some other significant way. An ally, a close friend, someone who is...
All the painful tears burn down my face
If only Jay were here to smile them away. If only my beloved fox didnt have to go. If only I’d finally find that perfect someone who would stay forever. Hopeless. Struggling. Missing you. I hope...
And poof gone
I wrote a lengthy entry about my life falling apart in the midst of an anxiety attack, but my phone died right before I finished. Oh well, if anyone interested I’m going through rough times and c...
Things to do this year
Better late than never… Go on a trip out of state, on my own. Travel out of the country if I can afford it. Fix the drywall in my house. Take myself on a date. Go swimming. Go rock climbing. Inv...
Another night with the phantom
After several nights of not sleeping well, I’m finally tired. Yet I dont want to go to sleep. In my mind there are still things that need to be done. Indeed there are, but it’s not those normal t...
Worse
How many relationships will I get my hopes up for only to have a crashing downward spiral of destruction start with the words, “Who is Jay?” How many times will I force my heart to love only to f...
Triggered... oh, wait, its kewl
So I came here to type an entry about having some ptsd triggered by an amazing, realistic anime. Then I saw everyone else’s problems. Now mine seem a bit petty. So I was abused. Didnt feel like ...
It's back, but where will I put them all?
There it is again. The sadness. It creeps It snakes Claws it’s way gently up my spine. The pills dont keep it away anymore. But what happened? Why should I feel sad? Is this my emotion? Or someon...
Speaking of Friends
So here I am again, old friend, having conversations with you in my head that we will probably never have. I haven’t the courage to try for a connection with so many people around. I barely have ...
I Should Be Happy
I should be happy. I’m seeing Ozzy and Stone Sour. I should be thrilled. But all I can think about is how great it would be if you were here, Jay. How much fun wed have jamming out. Your girl wou...
I'm Afraid
Im afraid to sleep in my own bed. Last night I woke up to his face between my legs. Most women would be happy. But we talked about this. Repeatedly. I told him not until we are married. Then he s...
Why is it?
That I start to feel uneasy about you? I’m less and less satisfied. Maybe I’m just growing cold. Your words are dangerous, ‘There is no sin.’ Lies. And why? Are you consoling me? Or yourself? An ...
Book Description
This book is a continuation of “Maniacs, Prophecy, and Old Friends” It opens a new mindset to old conditions and continues to address spiritual issues, while also addressing the journey of discovering courtship, and letters to my old friend Jay who had a significant impact on my life and spirituality.
