Entries 35

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I should know better than to vent to people who tell me I can vent to them and they will always be there if I want to talk. All the most well meaning people get dragged down by hearing my proble...

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Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck in a monotonous hellscape. None of my choices seem to matter. Things seem to go badly no matter what I do so why do I keep trying? I’m alone and disconnected fr...

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You know Jay, sometimes seeing you happy with her made me a bit jealous. Sometimes a tad bitter. But it did something more for me. It reminded me that you were okay. Even though I treated you ba...

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What is my purpose? Why am I here? Why am I still alive? When will it be okay to just give up? I’m so tired. I just want to be done.

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Because you dont care either. Indifferent. My good friend died last week. Suddenly. My birthday buddy. Hes been around so long. I assumed he always would be. We had plans. We were in the process ...

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Peak thinking time and motivation today: 4pm

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Woke up with this terrible fear that something happened to my son while we were in another state. Out of nowhere. What is this? Panic attack? Bad dream? Mothers intuition? I dont even know what t...

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This cant be goodbye. But I’m the one who left. Miss you so much today. Wesley cant make it go away.

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I dont feel like I have an outlet for my emotions right oow or any moral support from anyone. This is all eating me alive.

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Already feeling shitty about my last post. I shouldn’t care right? It’s my damn journal not a PR blog or some shit.

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I feel like I’m under performing, not meeting my own standards, feel like a lazy fuck who will never accomplish anything. I need forward motion. I need to fix my medicaid, find a therapist. It’s ...

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Had an amazing dream about Jay last night. Now I dont want to be awake. I’d rather just dream of him forever. We could be close again, in my dreams.

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I wish I wasnt alone tonight. I’m depressed. I also dont want to bother anyone. Most people couldnt be bothered anyway.

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Tell me what I can’t do And I’ll show you the difference between me and you.

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My mind is on cloud nine but my body.... Just wont move from this chair.

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Seems like time is moving do fast, but my brain is just stuck. It doesn’t recognize the passing of time. I’ve accomplished alot in the last few years, but it always feels like I’m not accomplishi...

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Cant seem to get motivated to do anything lately. This has got to stop. Someone send me motivation. I cannot fail myself again. So many thoughts spinning in my head. I need to find a way, a retre...

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People spend a lot of time at work. I always hear people complain about work and say they wish they didnt have to work. Here’s the truth: If all you get out of your job is money then they aren’t ...

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How do you get motivated to do things? Even when they are really boring. I cant keep my attention on this, but I need to get it done. It’s not hard work, just so freaking boring.

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I know I did the right thing. I did what I had to do. But I already miss you. Goodnight.

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I guess I wasn’t invited after all… I hope they are different. I hope they are real. I should know better. Sad.

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I guess I lost my pin at the show the other night. The one with Austin on it. I shouldn’t have worn it out. :(

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You are like a drug that I always need more of.

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Did an abdominal work out. Feel like I’m doing. I might puke. I didn’t even finish the darn thing. This is much more difficult than anticipated. Owwww!

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