Entries 28

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… I feel like I’ve FINALLY had a breakthrough. I feel like the black cloud is finally starting to lift a bit, now that I’ve accepted that it’s ok to be angry about what happened, I feel somehow l...

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So… I’ve struggled with how I feel about myself and how others feel about me my entire life. I already had trouble with thinking of myself as being worthy of love because of how I was brought up,...

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So… Values, we all have them. Some have more than others, others profess to have more than some. Then there’s those who claim to have values they don’t actually possess. Me? I know the values I h...

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So… Sometimes it’s just bigger than you, stronger than you can be, today is one of those days. Rita’s right, not every day is a bad day. Wednesday – Friday I was in a fairly good place, but today...

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I don’t know what I would do if I saw him again. I know it’s a possibility, a remote one, but nothing’s impossible. All it would take is him being deployed, and he could wind up here, and with my...

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I remember it very clearly, like it was this morning and not six years ago. I still have nightmares, flashbacks strike throughout the day. The memories never go away and the feelings are still th...

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I used to believe that life was generally a bit shit, but ultimately that what went around came around but then it happened, then it happened again, and now I believe that life is very actually s...

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So… It never goes away. It’s always on my mind, it’s like a video that replays in my head constantly. A never-ending reminder, triggered by the least little thing, and just when I start to think ...

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It’s half past seven on a Saturday morning. For once I wasn’t woken by the flashbacks and trauma. No, turns out that a 12 shift in a cohort room on the Gastro Ward was enough to push me from “Fuc...

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So… Apparently we relaunch tomorrow. This entry serves to lay out the way MY diary works and to reintroduce myself. If you know me, come back in a couple of days and there’ll probably be somethin...

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You wrote this yesterday, in the morning, and then at lunchtime you had a full ball panic attack at college, in front of people. The shame you felt, are still feeling will break before you come b...

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So… All the pieces of me that are out of reach remain inside, they’re just encased in the entrails of what happened, and I don’t seem to be able to free them. if anything the constraints are gett...

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So… I need to write this without being deep and dramatic. I need to get this down pragmatically. I’m not going to go into any graphic, gory details but I need to be blunt. When you’re raped, peop...

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Tomorrow something is going to happen to you that will change your life, what I want you to know about it is that whilst everything is going to change, including your perspective, it doesn’t not ...

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How do you recover from trauma? The pain is there and so very real but I’m unable to pinpoint the injury, to locate the wound from where I feel like I’m bleeding so profusely. There’s nothing tha...

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So, Ma made a remark about Pidge and how she could drive you to drink and I stupidly told her that I’m back on the fags. You’d have thought I’d told her I’ve started chasing a fix with a shot of ...

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So, OD emailed, and I retrieved my account IMMEDIATELY, I have nothing to lose as an OD+ Lifetime Member. It couldn’t have come at a better time to be honest. I’m in need of comfort, and OD feels...

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Transition tranˈzɪʃ(ə)n,trɑːnˈzɪʃ(ə)n,tranˈsɪʃ(ə)n,tranˈsɪʃ(ə)n/ noun noun: transition; plural noun: transitions The process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another. Fiftee...

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⚠️ Domestic Violence, Rape ⚠️ So… That wasn’t the last time it would happen. I probably would have stayed if it had only been the once. I would have somehow justified it to myself, but it wasn’t ...

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⚠️ Rape/Sexual Assault ⚠️ So… I’m not going to regurgitate the relationship we had. You can find it, if you wish, within the chapter entitled “The Dick Mistake”. He shall henceforth be known as “...

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heading text 2010 So… They’re right, the heat in Arizona is something else. Even in the AC controlled terminal building, I can feel the heat swirling about me. I’ve been travelling for 30 hours. ...

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⚠️ TW : Sexual Abuse ⚠️ So… Let’s begin at how I wound up back at Ma’s as I am currently living a nightmare. I am living my nightmare; the life I swore blind I would never return to, a town I swo...

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So…I’m back. I’ve missed you since you’ve been gone. A lot has happened. A lot has changed. I’ve spent 3 days working through my archive, editing, cleaning some entries up. I’ve republished the i...

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So… Turns out I really don’t give even the tiniest of fucks about Christmas. I’d forgotten what Christmas with Depression is like. It’s like normal Christmas but with precisely none of the fun. ...

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So… I worked the bar job for a couple of months, but I couldn’t make ends meet on half the hours and half the pay. My already fractured heart was starting to break. I had no other choice, livin...

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