Entries 24
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Crescendo.
Burning alive in boiling-oil revulsion. I fucking hate you so much I can’t remember how to think, how to breathe; I can’t do this. I want to rip off your rancid flesh with my fingernails. I can...
Reflection.
I’m so fucking sick of trying to save you, when all I want is to watch you burn.
Bittersweet.
My memory is alchemy: a halcyon haze of you and me, a utopian facimile of cosy, rosy unity in freeze-frame flash photography- entwined, combined, our minds aligned- a closed-circuit capture remin...
Counterrevolution.
Violate this verdant scenery, annihilate the greenery, grab the tender shoots and rip, with formidable, forceful fever-fists and eyes as blank as April mist: watch the springtime beat retreat, an...
Emptiness.
Everything, everything, is a picture postcard of you; signed in black-ink fingerprints and burned into my eyes. I am lost, without you.
Time Travel
The last words of a child, immortalised; the age-faded graphite burns jaded red eyes: I’m watching my own suicide. In every painful paragraph I’m reading my own epitaph, a twisted-spiral eulogy t...
Trials Of Separation.
Wordless, soundless, endless, boundless: covert, undercover, as close as a lover, your hips to my pelvis, phantom-palms wrap my waist; refusing to leave me, you won’t be erased. Your fingertips a...
Misshapen Identity
Shaking palms pressed to steamed-mirror mists, trying to trace the outlines of an echo; trying to feign acceptance of this body I don’t know. The reflected form of a foreigner, reminiscent but di...
Dear This Week: You're So Fired.
Dear This Week, Seriously mate, I have had it up to my bloodshot sleep-deprived little eyeballs with you. You appear to have been roughly a billion years long and your company has been tedious at...
Weights And Measures.
Forever, the noose around my neck.
Well, Whining Won't Fix Anything.
I do not make a good Rapunzel. For a start, my hair falls out at a faintly alarming rate when I drag a brush through it, so a goddamn lard-arse prince climbing up it would leave me looking like a...
The Stolen Whole.
You stole things from me. So soundlessly subtly, so slowly, I never took the time to even realise your crime; and in shadows where I couldn’t see, you slipped shiftless palms into my pockets, and...
Truth.
Maybe this time will be different, maybe this time you can do it. You get ready slowly, laying in the bath, breathing carefully. Counting ribs through the ripples and trying to work out whether y...
How Many More Times Can We Do This Dance...
… before we destroy ourselves?
Exile, By Design.
My eyes have frozen over. Glazed glacial into icebound opaline mirrorballs of milk-marbled glass, lacquered like petrol slicks with the lunar luminescence of intransigence; they see nothing but h...
Shapeshifting
The wind whispers idle songs of ruin that kiss my hair as soft as snowflakes, a wistful wordless requiem that echoes through the hollow holes in me like oxygen. This is the moment, the freeze-fr...
Recovery Is Just Another Word For Denial.
The perfect practiced symmetry of you; I’ve missed you. The lucidity, the linear logic of your rules, a gold-glow champagne light I wrap around myself like warmth; I’m home. The multi-edged promi...
You'll Be The Death Of Me.
I hate you, I just fucking hate you. You loom in the mirror in fairground distortions, glutinous and grotesque, dripping candlewax grease from the fatty flab of your frame. You cling like suffoca...
You Waited. You Were Right. I Didn't Mean It.
I want you back. You knew that, you know it, you were always waiting. You never left, you stood in shadows; I’ve come so far but I would undo it all for you. Unzip this skin, strip off the flesh ...
Surviving, Living.
All my carefully constructed walls. All my defences. My everything, built on the shifting foundations of a DIY self-repair. All those moments, all those weaknesses. Everything I am, I lie before ...
Addicted, Always.
And this, here, is the flaw in me. The crack always there below the surface, soul-deep, painted over, boarded up, ignored but never fixed. I haven’t felt so sick in ages. Hot, sweating, frozen, s...
Why Are You Still Here? I Hate You, I Told You To Leave ((I Still Need You))
You’re a terrible friend, the worst friend I’ve ever had. You’re toxic; a poison that is always inside my head and clawing through my veins, always inside me, trying to destroy me from the inside...
The Truth of You, of Us.
The truth isn’t pretty. The truth is losing myself to you, losing my mind in you, letting everything else slide away from me like marbles down the hillside, because nothing else matters like you ...
The Start of You, The End of Me.
I know the exact moment I met your eyes for the first time, sat alone mid-morning on the rough blue carpet of my student room, three hundred miles from the safety of home. You came in uninvited, ...
Book Description
Because you will always be part of me, I let you in and you will never leave.
Because I’ve been recovering long enough to know now, that recovery is a road without a destination.
Always in transition and never arriving.
