June 1995 in 1990s

THURSDAY, JUNE 29, 1995
Tom wanted to screw me yesterday, but I told him I could only handle oral right now, so that’s all we did. I told him why intercourse was getting more and more awkward for me. Also, that oral should be for me, my doing him by hand for him, and screwing for us. Meanwhile, although he said he agreed, I feel screwing’s only for me. We talked about it last night, but who knows what we’re gonna do?

This morning he apologized for saying mean things to me last night.

What mean things? I don’t remember him saying mean things.

I respect his belief that our sex life will continue to improve and that we can have a kid, but I don’t think he’s too happy with what I feel. He knows he and I can’t change what I feel, though. He wishes I would have the “you never know” attitude and not blame either one of us or be dead set in my mind that we can’t have a kid. I agree that it’s best for me not to blame either one of us, but I can’t make myself believe it’s possible. The only way I could believe it was possible would be if he came regularly and I still wasn’t getting pregnant.

Later…

Besides typing this up, I’ve got to get on with my 5th storybook which will be in journal 91. I began next week’s letter to my parents, but not Kim and Tammy’s yet.

Tammy and I were teasing each other yesterday over the phone. We each said we were bitches in the past and Tammy reminded me of how when she and Larry would feed me, I’d eat so slow that they’d eat my food.

Each of us had our own reason for why we had it the worst. I had it the worst cuz I was the youngest and got sent away, as far as I’m concerned. Tammy felt she had it the worst cuz of Larry kicking her around, which is an unpleasant memory for me.

Then sarcastically she goes, “And of course, you were so cute.”

As far as I remember, I was a chubby geek who was stupid throughout most of my childhood. I was always jealous of others cuz they were smarter than me, prettier, or had the kinds of parents I wished I’d had.

I’m not perfect, but nowadays I can say differently after years of hard work. I feel I’m smart and not too bad looking. I think most of us get smarter and better looking with age. I just never thought I’d know as much as I do or hold my weight steadily at or near 100 pounds for nearly 10 years.

Tammy and Tom were talking while I was still in the shower. She wanted to wish him a happy birthday. She told him she was trying to shoot a fox with a shotgun that kept going after their chickens. That oughta be a funny sight to see.

Later…

Andy left a message saying to wait till he tells me all about a feeling he had that came true. Oh, how I hope to hell it’s not something like him having a feeling that Bug would give my name to that pig, then she did. I will fucking kill her if she does, I swear! Anyway, he’ll call me when he gets up.

Later…

Andy should be calling anytime now. I only hope he doesn’t have horrible news for me. He told me in his message last night how he accidentally recorded over some classic scenes from his soaps.

I told him I have a theory or an idea. It sounds bizarre and doubtful that may be only wishful thinking, but instead of God having us go to court, maybe He’ll do something else. Maybe his accidental recording over that tape will be his punishment cuz God knows we sure as hell ain’t gonna do this again. For me, maybe it’ll be not ever having a kid, but that’s not in my cards anyway. We’ll just have to see.

I’m up to April 20th of my typing up this book. I did the dishes and went for a dip in the pool. As hot as it is, I’m gonna cook us pork chops, mashed potatoes, and maybe even butter noodles. I meant to say I’ll cook us baked potatoes. I think I’ll go read and do some word seek puzzles. Tomorrow my library book needs to be renewed.

Later…

I wish Andy would hurry up and call. I’ve been racking my brain trying it figure out what the hell he could be talking about, but haven’t been able to think of it. I suppose it could have something to do with the calls cuz he wouldn’t leave it on the machine for Tom to possibly hear. Maybe there was trouble at work for him, who knows?

When I suggested praying since it works for him, he said that God wants us to take responsibility for our faults. Although, I did pray to Him over the bogus threats the cop said we made. I know I’m not guilty of that, I told Him. The pig could be bluffing, though.

He told me he didn’t have a good vibe or a bad vibe. He said he had an unsure vibe. I sure as hell don’t know what to think or what I feel. It obviously isn’t gonna just go away, so I hope to hell it can be worked out somehow and that my name keeps the hell out of it. It’s not him I don’t trust. It’s Bug that we just can never be too sure about, but if she goes back on her word to me about not mentioning my name, she will be very, very sorry. And I’m not gonna warn her of this promise, either. I’m just gonna pounce on her by surprise in whatever way I see fit if need be. I only hope it doesn’t come down to that.

I’m so bored out of my mind now, so I guess I’ll go listen to some old tapes of conversations.

Later…

Well, Andy’s not up yet cuz I just called his VM and he hasn’t gotten my message yet. I’ll just keep waiting, but once again, I hope he calls before Tom gets home.

I think I’ll listen to the tapes another time. It’d be hard to hear with all the fans we’ve got on. The one in my room is noisy and the fan on the stand in the living room is semi-noisy, but the ceiling fans in the living room and back room are pretty quiet. Tom says that as soon as that big incentive check comes, we can check out a better AC system. That’d be nice cuz once it gets over 105º the EC is useless. Over the last few days, we couldn’t keep this place under 82º, but it’s better than the winter and the pool temp’s great. The AC we have isn’t efficient, as I’ve said before. When the monsoons come in August when it’s more humid, a million ECs would do us no good.

Later…

Andy called a few hours ago saying he and Bug haven’t heard anything from the pig.

What his feeling was all about was that last night he sensed pigs nearby. Later his neighbor told him they were called to a domestic dispute next door. He said thank God they didn’t knock on his door cuz he was smoking a joint.

I’m gonna tape his soaps for tomorrow and Monday. I don’t know what’s wrong with his VCR, but his friend Pam lent him a VCR that he was having trouble hooking up.

Tomorrow morning we’re gonna bomb. We’ll go through a drive-through, then to his parent’s house.

Tom got in around 2:30, then we went swimming and we just finished eating. I made pork chops and baked potatoes.

Later…

Well, well. We actually screwed. Believe it or not, I didn’t cum either, but it was awesome. The variety of his movements with his hands as well as his dick was pretty amazing. I think the only reason I didn’t cum was due to the heat and the moisture. Moisture makes his job easier, but my hand slips off my clit. Plus, I wanted to hurry up so he wouldn’t die.

I wish my hummingbird would hurry up and arrive. That’s the clit vibrator. Sometime after the first it will, I guess.

Now knowing for sure we’ll never have a kid has got me thinking more about my singing. Due to my being dumb enough to let myself get caught up in something that could never happen, I’ve neglected my music. If only always just for fun, I’ve wasted time crying over the impossible when I could’ve been creating music.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 28, 1995
Tom’s 38 today and has found all his notes and his card. He’ll be home anywhere between noon - 5 PM today.

Unfortunately, he has an ear infection. I’ve been treating it with alcohol and peroxide, so hopefully that’ll cure it.

He’s been dismissed from jury duty, too.

I saw Gloria on Oprah. She sang well but does look awful chunky. Her baby’s cute, though, whereas most babies are ugly. Nayib’s taller than her now.

Andy finally got his 70s CD. I have some uncool news concerning him, but I’ll get to it after I check out a movie I taped.

Also, a cool talk I had with Lisa. Tammy asked why I didn’t tell her today was Tom’s birthday. I could’ve sworn I did in a letter.

Later…

Well, I’ve got two signs telling me I may be ovulating. I have quick, faint cramps and my temperature’s up. Well, it doesn’t do me much good anyway, with a guy who will never cum, does it? He can say he wants a kid a million times a day, but what do I say? He never really wanted it that bad. When and if he does - he’ll cum. You only ovulate for 1-3 days, so by the time we do get around to having sex, it’ll be too late. Plus, I still don’t know if it’ll be that easy for me to screw when I know that all that’s going through his mind is, don’t cum. Just take care of her. He’s even said how he’s easy, so why doesn’t he just have me stroke him by hand and go down on me?

I told him last night that I can see myself dancing from November - February. It seems logical. He said he disagrees and that there’ll be things going on here. Yeah, right. We both know nothing more will be going on here than what already does. Believe me, though. I’m busy enough with all my hobbies.

Yesterday I finished typing up the last journal! It took me a little over a year from 4/13/1994 - 6/27/1995. It would have been just under a year if I had not typed up my story journals and 69 with my people write-ups which I hadn’t planned to do originally.

My second word-seek magazine came yesterday.

Later…

Here’s my not-so-cool news concerning Andy. About a couple of weeks ago, he waited on a couple of young girls at work. One or both of them had a stepmother who they say’s a real bitch and was milking their dad’s money who had just died. The girls are from Florida and the stepmother lives in Sun City. Andy offered to call and say weird stuff to the stepmother and the girls were like, “Oh, could you?!” So on the night of June 7th, I believe it was, Andy called me and said he just called there once. Then he called twice more and we both said weird stuff. Nothing threatening or sexual, cuz we haven’t done that shit since around 1988. He did most of the talking and I might have read a few lines from journals. I know I said something like - The green leprechaun jumped off of my box of Lucky Charms and started singing to me.

So anyway, Andy called me saying he got a message to call a detective in Sun City and he called with me on the line listening. Andy did fine, except for being too slow in answering questions, not insisting it was a friend of Diana’s, and asking if his voice was heard on a tape of the conversation that the detective claims he has which is bullshit. I know it couldn’t have been taped cuz of the way he was reading our quotes from a report form and also cuz half of it was bullshit. We never said we’d burn the place down, or knew what the woman was wearing that day, and a few other things. The woman in Sun City must’ve thrown in a few lies and exaggerations.

When Andy asked if his voice was the one he heard, the pig said he’d have to run it through all this high-tech equipment I know they don’t have and wouldn’t use in a case like this even if he did have it. Also, if he did have a tape, he’d be able to say he recognized Andy’s voice. The pig also said the name of the stepdaughter is Claudia who he thinks is the main culprit in all this and that started the whole thing.

So, the stepmother suspects the stepdaughter, huh? And we never ever mentioned a connection cuz Andy swore he wouldn’t. Andy denied knowing anything about it which is good, and I told him I highly doubt it’d go to court, but if it did, I’d go with him. Also, if he was to be going to court, it’d be subpoena first, questions afterward in court. I doubt he’d be spoken to about it first.

Andy mentioned Diana’s name but said he doubted she would do a thing like that and she didn’t. She was just there in the room. The pig acted as if he knew her and Diana do have a record. The pig sounded like he just wanted to clear it up without it turning into a big deal, but I told him that he and Diana should deny it, even if it did come down to court and to keep my name out of it cuz of my record even if it’s just petty prank calls. Also, never trust a pig.

So, he had me call Diana at work and I filled her in on the scoop. She didn’t seem upset and said there’d be no problem. She’d just deny it and keep my name out of it.

When I got up at 5:00 this morning there was a message from Andy which he left at around 9:00 last night for me to call him ASAP. He had already gone to sleep, but I listened to his messages. There was one from Bug saying she was upset with him, I called her and so did a detective, and why did her name have to get dragged into it at all? Who knows why she was upset but I sure hope to hell my name didn’t get into it as she promised. I don’t know if I can trust her, although Andy says I can. I’ll have to see that for myself.

Although the calls were traced to Andy’s phone with *57, I told him this morning on his machine that if the pig calls back to say, “Look. Either charge me or drop it. I won’t say anything to you at all without a court-appointed attorney, so charge me or drop it and I’ll make sure no one gets access to my phone.”

I don’t know what to think about it. I don’t know if my name’s in it or what. Or if he’ll have to go to court. He only made 3 calls 2-3 weeks ago, so I don’t know if they’d charge him. This is Phoenix and not Deerfield, but time will only tell.

Later…

Tom got a birthday package from my parents. It looks like it could be a shirt. We’ll see when he gets home which could be at any time from now until 5 PM. I hope he doesn’t come home before I get to talk to Andy. The last thing I want is for him to be in this and to feel let down. I know how he worries, too. Andy usually sleeps from 5 AM-1 PM.

He still likes living where he is but says his neighbor’s music is still too loud. The guy’s a dealer and in a gang, so I hope it works out for him. This world has such a “hear me!” obsession.

A palm tree’s coming up in the corner of the block wall by the pool. Cool.

I’ll still write about Lisa and other shit later.

Later…

I talked to Andy and Bug and Bug said she was gonna blow off talking to the pig. I told them both never to talk to him again without a lawyer, but Andy called him back.

He said he asked Andy who the woman was singing on his machine, but he wouldn’t give out my name. Then he said the pig said he taped his voice, Bug’s voice, and my singing, is gonna use it to determine who the two voices belong to, will charge both people, he’ll hear from US West, lose his phone, and go to court.

Who the fuck knows for sure if we can really trust Diana who calmly and confidently swore she’d keep my name out of it. Andy still feels it’s all a scare tactic to try to trick him into confessing, and I sure hope so. If he’s willing to charge this second person, then why wasn’t he charged when I got in trouble for calls we made together on my phone back east? And with that asshole Ron in 1986? I told him that I know praying works for him, so he may try praying he doesn’t have to go to court. This pig can’t have us on tape. There’s no way, cuz then the little fuck would know that we did not make any threats. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens, but I hope Andy and Bug keep their mouths shut. I also happen to know it’s illegal to tape someone without their knowing it. I was charged with it.

Later…

Tom just got home and opened his package. Along with a card and a pretty happy birthday bag, were two flags. A huge American flag and one of a horse the same size as our Noah’s Arc one. It’s nice that they remembered how he loves horses. They remember a lot of things these days, whereas up to a few years ago, they didn’t remember shit. Either that or they just didn’t care.

I hope Andy doesn’t call anymore today. I really don’t want to discuss any more of this phone, Bug, and pig shit anymore right now.

Yesterday’s chat with Lisa was cool. We mainly talked about music. I had no idea I was in her discussions as much. She said she told her music teacher at school that she had a talented aunt who sings and plays the guitar out in Arizona. Well, that’s nice, but I reminded her how much I’ve been slacking off on my guitar.

She said in an unfortunate tone of voice, “I’m the only one in my family who likes to sing.”

I said, “So? I’m the only one in mine who likes to sing, but that’s OK.”

Then she said she was gonna take the $800 she expected to get from her bat mitzvah at age 13 and come out here by herself. Of course, Tammy had no idea about it.

She also told me about school and some trouble she made. She wishes we were closer so we could sing and she hates it there, too. She feels bad for not writing as much, but will now that school’s out. She said Tom has to write to her and she mentioned something about sending songs she wrote. She’s got 4 journals in which she says she sometimes swears in and calls her sisters little brats.

Anyway, I’m sending her all 19 of my songs cuz she says she can’t find any of them.

A little while ago, when I made Tom a hot dog, I jammed a candle into it which wasn’t the easiest thing to do. He was laughing his ass off.

Later…

We went in the pool and the Jacuzzi a little while ago, then Tammy called to wish Tom a happy birthday.

Bill had to go into the hospital again for tests, has chickenpox cuz he’s got no immune system, and Becky was crying like hell. Shockingly and amazingly enough, though, she maintained a sense of humor that she almost never has even when things aren’t going so bad. I’m getting tired so I’ll write about it later or tomorrow.

First though, we still haven’t had sex and I can’t say I’m disappointed about it, either. He did some touching in the pool, but he’s probably waiting till he comes closer to the end of his day when he’ll be more tired to make it easier to keep from cumming. He does that a lot and he probably knows I could be ovulating.

TUESDAY, JUNE 27, 1995
Tom just got up and is eating. He was supposed to go for jury duty today, but it’s been postponed to his birthday, which is tomorrow.

I’m doing something different. Printing out a journal as I type it. The colored paper prints nicely back to back, so I’ve got 20 pages printed out on 10 sheets. It saves room this way and I’ve made the print bigger.

I just wrote Bob’s letter from Chassidy’s “friend.” I disguised my handwriting and will send it to Kim to send to him with no return address. I deliberately changed the way I usually word things. That phone number is a bogus one to confuse him, too. Here’s what I wrote:

To Bob,

I am a friend of Chassidy’s. I am an enemy of yours. I have a story to tell you. There is an ex-boyfriend of mine who is an inmate there and he has the desire to get it on with you! I think he just might do that too when you least expect it! Be ready for it.

I know you’ll never get out of there alive and if you know what’s best for you - you will hope you don’t because we are waiting for you! Don’t bother calling 863-7710 because no one there can help you. The next time you call Chassidy a slut, remember I am currently dating a guard there.

He will take care of you and see to it that my X and you get together!

I would tell you to watch your back - but even that will do you no good. I know you have been convicted of rape & molestation twice before.

I will be seeing you.

Later…

Excuses, excuses! Whether they’re legit or not, is beside the point. The point is - I’m sick of waiting for things. The bee machine, the cigarette machine, etc. Going into business is as big of a joke as the kid is.

MONDAY, JUNE 26, 1995
Things are still going really well around here. We’ve been busy and productive and we’re looking forward to the week.

We haven’t had sex since the 22nd and we both miss that, of course! We’ll be catching up on that. I jokingly said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we made the kid this week?”

Then Tom very seriously replied, “It’s a big possibility. We’ll have the time, so I hope that doesn’t scare you.”

How can something I know won’t and can’t happen scare me?

Later…

Yesterday Tom put up a new ceiling fan we got. It’s white with a globe for one bulb and all 3 speeds work.

Tom’s gonna have a surprise when he comes home Wednesday which is his birthday. I’ll be up that morning before he is, so I’ll sneak a post-it note out to his car that says - Surprise!! Happy Birthday! I Love You!!!!

I’ll put it on his windshield. Then when he comes home I’ll have a note on the garage door that says - look under the clock radio in little room in back. There’ll be a note there saying - look in the microwave. Then - look in the washer. Then - look in the freezer. Then - look in the living room drawer with the lamp. Then - look in the medicine cabinet. Then - look under your pillow. Lastly - look inside the front cover of Journal 94 where there’ll be a birthday note.

I’m also gonna try to stick a candle in two hot dogs for him. Hot dogs are his favorite.

Later…

What shall I make us for dinner tonight? Maybe in half an hour, I’ll throw in some pork chops and tater tots.

We got a total of 9 cards with drawings of women in sexy poses when we got our sex toys. There were two I didn’t really like so I threw them in NPN envelopes.

My clit vibrator hasn’t come yet, but I got my tattoos today. There was a rose/leaves one you use as an ankle bracelet or for the wrist as a bracelet. I’ve got that on my wrist. On my left upper arm, I have a sword with a snake and roses around it. On my right forearm is a red rose, right hand is 3 ladybugs, back has a rainbow/clouds, and my chest has a heart. There’s a rose on one tit and lips on the other. My stomach has a star, my ass says “true love” heart, my groin area has 2 stars, my hip has a butterfly, my thigh has a heart, and lightning bolts are on my ankle.

I have a few more left too. A sword through a heart, 3 small double hearts, a butterfly, a rose, and a yellow carnation. I also have a black widow, but - no thanks. Who’d want to wear that? If not a male, then a druggie, butch, or a hooker, but it isn’t me.

I recorded myself singing The Sweetest Gift twice, then Andy called. I really thought he was gonna crack up, but he loved it and said it was the best ever, except for one note. Yeah, I slipped on a few notes, but at least I know he’s always honest. Before we hung up, he had me sing part of Heatwave on his outgoing message.

SUNDAY, JUNE 25, 1995
Boy, do I ever have a million things to write about! I kind of wish I did write a day or two ago, cuz now I’ll never remember every little thing I wanted to say. I’ll try to remember as much as I can later.

Before I do, though, I got a dismissal notice from jury duty! Great.

I finished part 4 of my story and printed it out.

Today we’re going food shopping, then out to wherever. I gotta do laundry today and we’ll probably go swimming. We may go out to breakfast at a buffet.

My parents and Tammy got the tapes and pictures. They all say I look the same size, and yes, they can see my tan. Cool. Ma says that in future tapes she wants to see more of our faces. They know, though, that this was our first “practice tape” and that we wanted them to see some scenery. They all agree on how beautiful Castles & Coasters is.

Later…

Things have been fine so far, but last Friday was horrible. All we did was argue all morning and I was so fed up and pissed off. Just totally frustrated. Most of the details of what we discussed aren’t fresh in my mind now, but I’ll try to remember whatever I can. It seemed like when we talked, one subject would lead to another and as I was cleared up about one thing, I’d become confused by another.

He tells me that one of the biggest things that keeps him from cumming is our not sleeping together. This is understandable, but then how could he cum with Wendy when they weren’t sleeping together? He didn’t even answer that one. Instead, he got upset that I brought her up. I know exactly why it is. It’s cuz she was on a contraceptive. When I commented on us maybe not getting off on the “wrong foot” sexually if I had been on some kind of contraceptive, he said nothing. His silence about these two things spoke a lot of words and confirmations as far as I was concerned.

We talked about a lot of things I’ve written about, but boy did I get ticked off when he made the comment suggesting that maybe the people I said were bad was an exaggeration on my part. Well, all that matters is that I know who was what. What he doesn’t know or understand won’t hurt him and he couldn’t possibly fully understand, cuz he never walked in my shoes. Yes, Tom’s understood me more than anyone else ever has, including Andy, but it makes me more reluctant to talk to him about personal stuff.

He said that now he doesn’t know how in the world he can get stuff done by July 15th. Meaning, the business, recording stuff, and making any changes in our sex life. This is all just one big excuse to me. If he’s not serious about the business or anything else, then fine. And if I get serious about singing more often, then how do I know I can count on him to do his part when he says he will? I know the way he procrastinates.

He told me Cigna’s got therapists, so anytime I ever want one, I can make an appointment. He said he didn’t want to go with me to one cuz it’d be another commitment. What about the commitment it’d be to take me there and back? He’s embarrassed and has even said so. I’d never see one cuz there’s nothing one could do for me and they would definitely want to see him here and there, too. I know he’s got enough commitments, but how would he deal with the commitment of a kid? I asked him this and he said it was a matter of priorities. I guess so, cuz he’s not one to run away from commitments which he handles better than most of the people I’ve ever known.

He told me that if I understood my fears and doubts about being a singer or having a kid, then they wouldn’t be such depressing issues that control my life. Well, I do understand my fears and doubts very well.

Like with love and attraction, people can’t often control what bothers them. All I can do is try my best to deal with it and remind myself that in time it’ll lessen and not be a big deal. Me knowing I’ll never have a kid is already starting to be easier to deal with. It’s just a slow and long process that doesn’t happen overnight. It took me years to deal with knowing I’d never make it as a singer in the kind of way I wanted to when I was younger. I dealt with the singing, I dealt with the women and other issues. I’ll deal with this one too. I just can’t speed up the process of it. I told Tom too, that someday I’d look back at this day and laugh and be grateful we didn’t have a kid and that things turned out the way they did. Like I said, I do have my fears and doubts and know that there are lots of pros to not having a kid whether I want one or not.

I don’t want to do this, but sometimes I still feel that sex complicates things and that we’d be better off not doing it or just doing oral stuff. I can’t change Tom any more than he can change me. It’s always gonna be his choice to cum or not to cum.

The next day he said he was sorry he made me feel he couldn’t talk to me about personal stuff and that we argued all day. He said he never wants to fight with me and that we can talk about it all weekend. So far we haven’t and I’d rather keep it that way. I don’t want to fight either and I know I’m not perfect either, but I don’t want to go through the same old shit all the time. I don’t want to do anything to stall the process of putting not having a kid behind me in the way that I did with other issues. I’ll always love to sing and I’ll always be attracted to women, but I want to be able to deal with never having a kid the way I’ve come to be able to deal with other issues. I don’t want him or myself leading me on and giving me false hope with July 15th or any other dates.

FRIDAY, JUNE 23, 1995
I could be in a much better mood right now. I’ll have to see Dr. Rauche about the new inhaler. It seems since I’ve taken it I’ve been having a hard/rapid heartbeat, and felt almost panicky and depressed. I don’t know how much of a connection there could be if any at all. I know a lot of it is the game I fear my otherwise loving husband’s playing with me. When his actions don’t fit his words, what can I think or do? Now I find myself anxious for January so I can get a hysterectomy or go on the pill. Better yet, I wish I could go back to the days when I hardly ever thought of a kid and if I did, it wasn’t such a big deal as it is today. Life has got and could have too many more wonderful and more important things that are possible and practical for me to waste my time dwelling on something I can never have. But how do I deal with it? I can’t turn it off or block it out, so how do I deal with it? They say that without dreams you’re dead. Yeah, well, I’m sick and tired of having too many impossible dreams.

I can’t believe him anymore. I just can’t. I can believe him about anything else, but not when he says I can have it, he wants it too, etc.

Why do I have this sure feeling, though, that we never would’ve started off sexually on the “wrong foot” if I were on some kind of contraceptive all along? I know he didn’t seem to be too thrilled about the kids shutting up next door, but why is he doing this to me? All I can think of is the same things - maybe he really does think it’ll kill me, come between us, I couldn’t handle it, he doesn’t want to deal with it, he’d feel left out, etc. There are other things too, that could be going through his mind. Money. How fat it’d make me. I know he’d still love me if I were that fat, but I’m sure he’d prefer me not to be fat and he knows real damn well how I’d feel about it, so there could be a lot of things about it that play on his mind, as well as that play on my mind. I cringe every time I hear my sister’s and plenty of other mothers’ words.

Even I couldn’t cum yesterday. The main thing about it was that I felt hurried cuz he has little stamina. I also feel sex is for me only and that he’s just not into it. He also seems weird after sex. Almost bitter and like he wants to avoid me for a while after. He mentioned my suggestion again about him going down on me first, then he can go in there for a shorter time. Why is sex always so complicated? And more so - how can it be this complicated? I mean, a few hours later, I had no problem taking care of myself.

I’m still undecided as to whether or not God really exists. There have been several things in my life and in this world that make me think He does and He doesn’t. That He’s both good and evil. That He’s all good, but that a devil also exists.

Earlier when my racing heart got me all panicked, I prayed for it to stop. It did. It seems “easy” prayers are answerable, and that while I’ve been blessed with skills, talents, fairly decent looks, improved health and relationships with family and Andy, Arizona and Tom, I fear that God or someone is determined to see that I never become a singer or have a child.

Again I have to ask myself - what if I did have these things? Would I regret it more than anything else? Would I wish for these days back? Would I be sorrier than all hell and feel I’ve made the biggest mistakes ever? I guess I’ll never know, will I? Tom says I hold the key to these dreams. Perhaps I do with the singing. With the kid, he holds the key. What more can I or any other woman do but lie back and spread their legs?

He swears he doesn’t blame me for his so-called “problem.” Well, I sure as hell feel he blames me. What are we gonna do? Blame each other for the rest of our lives? I will always love him, but yes, there’ll always be some resentment on my part. However, I have a feeling that I won’t feel this way when I’m older, or resentful. I think and hope I’ll feel glad things turned out the way they did. After all, it seems it can only work out for the better in the long run.

Later…

Got a letter from Kim which I’ll respond to by Monday. Today, I’ll mail off letters to Tammy and my folks.

I’m not too thrilled with Tom for putting off the cigarette machine and the bee machine, but what else is new? I figured as much, anyway, when he said they’d be done months ago. You see, this is what I don’t get. Initially, I thought he was trying to instill patience into me to make it easier for me to deal with a kid. He also said he hoped I’d get used to the kid’s noise next door cuz he wants a kid, so maybe that’s got him upset. Anyway, now I know he’d like me to be more patient just to make things easier. I hate to say this, though, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being impatient. It shows how much the person wants something. That’s all.

There’s another thing I don’t get. If God wants more people with bad qualities to have a kid, then I wonder why I don’t qualify. I’m impatient, still have somewhat of a temper, and am moody when I have PMS. What’s wrong then? It’s probably cuz I want it whether or not I’d be regretful if I had one. Lord only knows that Andy’s friend’s girlfriend who’s had an abortion cuz she’s only 19 is a dime a dozen.

Something definitely does want to keep the saying, “life isn’t fair” ringing true. I’m not saying it’s unfair all of the time, but it sure is a lot, if not most of the time.

It’s nice to know, though, that some of my “easier prayers” just might be answered.

There’s a good side to Tom’s procrastination. A week or two ago he said he’d read my story within a few weeks. I doubt it. Plus, if he did, he either wouldn’t finish it or wouldn’t finish it until the year 2000. I know him. The good part of it is, it’ll spare me some serious embarrassment. Unless it’s something funny or non-personal, I always keep my writing to myself. Both story writing and journal writing. As sensitive as Tom is, he would totally die if he ever read my journals. Especially stuff on him, even though he knows pretty much everything from journal 1 - this one. For stuff that didn’t concern him, he’d either be bored, cracking up, or quite embarrassed for me.

I mentioned his “slip” to him the other day which he denied and insists I misinterpreted. The part of it that’s kind of funny is that I had written “T-slip” on my journal notepad. Well, I think he may have seen it. However, he knows and understands that it’s my right to write whatever I want in my journals.

Do I think he reads them on the computer while I’m asleep? I don’t know, but I highly doubt it. In fact, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t.

If he wrote a journal that I didn’t know about, would I want to read it if he didn’t know I would? Yes. That’s me, though. We’re two different people.

What would I look for? Any confirmations and stuff like - I’m afraid to cum cuz a baby isn’t what I really want and am afraid to let her down by saying so. I’m also afraid to let her down by telling her I doubt she could handle it and I certainly don’t want to deal with it. She smokes, has no patience, can be aggressive and would really bitch all the more about being fat. She’s boring in bed and not all that attractive and we can’t sleep together. I can’t keep up the “so-called problem I have with cumming” game forever. So, I’ll tell her she can have a hysterectomy or go on the pill, cuz I’ll never admit to her that I could’ve cum all along.

I’m sure way more so, though, that I would not read his journal if he had a secret one, cuz I’d have to live with the guilt. I’d also have a hell of a time suppressing my anger, too. It’d be different if he confessed this stuff to me personally. He should’ve upfront. However, I hope he finds the will to someday. Better late than never, regardless of how much it hurt.

Sometimes I wish to hell I could find out from Wendy what he’s said about this subject, but I know she’ll tell him. In some subtle ways, he did confess when we first met but obviously decided to go along with me as he saw my desire for a child grow. Before I write the statements I can remember off the top of my head - there’s another thing, though. Several months ago, he claimed I brought him out of his rut with that issue. After one of my surgeries, he said, “Sometimes I’d rather wait 20 years so I don’t have to deal with it.” There’s been other stuff like, “It’s way in the future,” “I don’t know if it’s what I want,” “You’re not going to have a child,” “I don’t see it,” etc.

Later…

I hope Tom gets up soon so we can have “chocolate fun” after he eats and digests. He still hasn’t gone down on me with the chocolate and said he wanted to wait till I’m at the point where I can change sheets after. Good point. It’s gonna be quite messy. We can do it on the comforter, cuz that’s got to be washed today.

I was surprised to hear him say he felt there were no pros to his either cumming or not cumming. Especially when he’s such a “middle” man who tries to stay in the gray area of things and feels things have both pros and cons as I do. I’m surprised he didn’t say the pros to not cumming would be keeping the bed clean and I thought the pro to his cumming was supposed to be a baby?

I’m sure getting it out of my system tonight in print, huh? That’s cuz I’m reluctant to talk to him. I know I can, and most of the time it helps, but I still also feel his telling me I can talk to him is a burden to him.

Yesterday he said something like (I can’t remember his exact words) I like having stuff to be upset about. Yeah, right. If that’s his attitude, I would rather cry in my room alone or in this book.

My not being able to keep a schedule may also give him a “baby block,” but he denies that.

I just don’t know what to do, think, or believe and I probably never will.

Later…

I’ve got so much to say, that it’s so overwhelming. The more I have to say, the more my mind goes blank. I don’t even know where to begin. I hope I remember everything, although I know that remembering some is better than none. This pen could never keep up with my thoughts, so tomorrow I’ll type stuff up after I’m rested and recharged. Can’t say that my typing will be able to keep up with my thoughts, either, but I’ll do my best.

THURSDAY, JUNE 22, 1995
Yesterday Tom was very happy cuz of things falling into place, and they are. His job’s going well and we’ve been getting stuff done. Then he said he thinks I’m gonna be “surprised.”

Tonight he made a suggestion/request of me. He said, “We had a string of not-too-good luck. Things were breaking, there were paperwork problems, and now things are falling into place sooner than I thought they would. A week ago I wouldn’t have believed it would fall into place so soon and I don’t see why our string of good luck can’t continue. You call it compensation. I call it evening things out. I’m not gonna give you any promises that certain things will or won’t happen, but I’ll give you a date of July 15 (Linda’s birthday). Have the attitude that till then, you’ll just let whatever happens to happen without resisting it. Then on July 15 you can prioritize things and decide what’s possible or not.”

I’m not too sure what he means by this, but I said I thought that I was supposed to decide this in January. He said, “No, January’s when you decide whether or not to get a hysterectomy.”

I’m not surprised he worded it: “January’s when you decide if you want a hysterectomy” rather than, “January’s when you decide if you want a hysterectomy if you’re not pregnant by then.”

I think I know what this is all about. I mean, what’s he gonna do? Cum within the next few months? Yeah, right!! I think this is about his “coming out” and in his own way, he’s gonna tell me or show me, “Yes, I was wrong in leading you on. I never meant to cum or for us to have a kid. Not now. Not ever.”

When I see that he doesn’t cum tomorrow morning when we fool around, or ever, and when he “comes out” with it, what am I gonna do? What could I do? With or without him in my life, there’ll always be a part of me that’ll miss having a kid and I’ll always believe there’d have been a great chance I was sterile anyway, but there’s another side of it that’s positive. I love him. Yes, he should have told me outright upfront, but I understand he just didn’t want to hurt me with the truth. Also, this way we can sleep, have lives, and have each other, and much much more.

Later…

I just marked some exercises I did on the activity chart.

Yup, they’re definitely up to something illegal next door. From 9:30 PM-1:30 AM, I heard the guy come and go 4 times. I also thought I heard him loading/unloading whatever a few times. It definitely takes something like tweak for this type of activity and also to sleep only 4-5 hours every night.

With the exception of 85, which I’m currently typing up, I updated my stats. I omitted the minutes this time around cuz I didn’t trust their accuracy. I did the dates they were created, pages words, and characters. I did this several pages down where there were no decals.

Later…

Yesterday morning Tom helped me to arrange my icons in the way I ordered them. Got that done in a jiffy.

Now I’m beginning another task. Along with finishing up my medley, I’m going through the 6 convo tapes I have to edit stuff I may haven’t edited yet. I went through the first one, but not to edit anything yet. The label on which I wrote the contents of the tape, was sort of vague and messy. So, I rewrote a new index label with more specifics. I left Andy a message letting him know my plans and I hope he’ll take my offer. I offered to dub these convo tapes for him. I know there’s plenty of stuff he’ll love and has always enjoyed and it’d be a favor to me, too. Why? Cuz, they could be backups like the backup edit tapes he has. When I get done going through them, I’ll write an index in here of all 6 tapes before I edit stuff.

Although I love our sexual encounters and have no problem getting off, it’s still weird. I expect and am used to it being one-sided, but it’s still weird. Sex is only for me. He expects nothing from it. No orgasms and certainly not a kid. Whether we want a kid or not, I just can’t ever imagine my wanting to always get off by myself only when there’s someone around who I’m attracted to as well as love.

Later…

Just talked to Andy. As soon as he can give me five 90-minute tapes, he will. Great. That means as much to me as it did to him when I taped his soaps. He’ll have plenty of laughs while I have peace of mind. If the master tape were to get eaten, I’d be fucked. I’m not about to lose any more tapes if I can help it. The pigs in S. Deerfield made me lose enough. Also, if I’m gonna have backups, why have them sit around here when I know he could be enjoying them?

He also needs more “funny notes” written up to distribute. No prob. I’ll do it on the computer this time.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21, 1995
Andy may be calling anytime now. I left a message for him to let me know if he can pick me up to see his place.

Tom’s really happy about his job at BOA (Bank of America). He says getting 40 hours a week looks very promising. I always did tell him that I doubted things will result in him needing another part-time job. So right now, he’s at $8 an hour, we still have Cigna benefits, he gets two weeks of vacation a year, and can also buy vacation hours.

He’s got great peace of mind right now and our lives are really back to normal.

Tammy says Bill’s doing better. I guess that explains why I didn’t have a horrible vibe about him.

Tom showed me how to get the file Alex sent of our convo and also how I can set it up the next time we chat. I sent copies of this to Tammy, Kim, Bug and my parents. I think they’ll think it’s pretty neat and Andy will see it too. He reads the letters I send Bug.

Got something in the mail today that I’d forgotten all about. Almost a year ago we sent for info on a Gloria fan club. A form came today, and I ordered a year’s worth for $18.

My second word-search puzzle magazine was due on the 14th. It should arrive anytime soon, but that’s OK. I still have two backups.

I tried rearranging the icons on my desktop but had no luck. I’ll have Tom help me. Now that my world is really growing, I want to group stuff together, like games, etc.

Later…

Here’s what the fan club says I’ll get in my introductory membership kit: A welcome letter from Gloria, a Gloria Estefan biography, a Gloria Estefan 8x10 glossy autographed photograph, and a Gloria Estefan pin exclusive to members. It also goes on to say that after I get this (in 4-6 weeks) I’ll be receiving quarterly newsletters from the fan club keeping me up to date with her career, future projects, and personal life, complete with never before seen photos (I’ll be the judge of that). There will be special contests, chances to win backstage passes, front row tickets, personally autographed items, and jet-away trips to see Gloria around the world. Additional merchandise (such as Gloria Estefan T-shirts, hats, tour jackets, etc.) will be made available to fan club members at discounted rates.

I’d never want the concert tickets. Also, I had to laugh at the personal life update. Does that mean that if she were raped or had a fight with Emilio that we’d get to hear all about that, too?

Later…

I’ve been really slacking off with exercising. Who knows if I’ll ever use the activity chart on the last page of this book? Maybe I’ll find some other creative purpose for it if I don’t. I really should exercise, though. I’ve got all kinds of time to build myself a better body and I won’t ever be pregnant. I’ve got to motivate myself. My mother used to motivate me by calling me a fat pig. I won’t even bother to ask Tom to motivate me by calling me that, cuz there’s no way he would. That is an abusive way to motivate someone.

Later…

Now how could I be so stupid? A half-hour ago I reminded myself that there was a half-hour show I wanted to tape at 11:00, but forgot. Oh well. It wasn’t that important.

I heard the weirdest sound for a few seconds just now. Was it one of the kids next door, or a cat? I think it was a cat, but there is one thing I think more so about next door. I think they very well may be up to something illegal next door what with the way he’s in and out from 7-8 AM to 1-2 AM. They never sleep, so maybe they’re doing and dealing tweak while hiding behind the “American Family” appearance.

Tom said he heard yesterday that Linda Ronstadt’s father, Gilbert, died at age 84 of natural causes. So, I guess Linda’s not only very upset right now but is also in Tucson. Tucson’s about two hours away. About the same distance between Springfield and Boston. Tom said Ronstadt’s Hardware has been gone for eons. Well, it couldn’t have been gone before 1987-1988 cuz I called there.

Boy, my heart sure is racy tonight. Let me go relax for a few minutes before I get into what Tom told me.

TUESDAY, JUNE 20, 1995
The videos are on their way. Also, pictures we took (not to Larry). The transposed one had too much light, so you could see right through me. My “ghostly” picture is cool, though, and I was wrong when I said you could appear twice. You can appear as many times as you want.

I told Tammy about the video, who obviously hadn’t gotten the letter telling her about it yet. I wouldn’t tell Mom and Dad, though, but Dad guessed exactly what I thought he’d guess - me singing.

Tammy left a message before I got up. Tom and I talked to her after. Bill’s had a setback. He’s got pneumonia and is in Bakus Hospital. She’ll keep me posted.

Alex and I went to chat live. I had gotten knocked offline. Before I did, though, he was showing me how to print out our convo. I printed the first half of our chat, then he left me a message later. He attached a file of our convo for me to download. I hit the download button, but nothing happened. I’ll have to ask Tom about it. It’s really cool, though, and I wish I had a lot of my phone convos printed out like that. Especially calls we made in Springfield.

MONDAY, JUNE 19, 1995
There’s not a whole heck of a lot going on at the moment. No dogs and no calls or letters from Bob. Got a great Bob game idea. Let me finish making the spag I’m cooking, then I’ll discuss it.

Later…

I finished 84, so only one more left! Next is 85, then this one, etc. I used the pretty colored paper to print it out.

Tomorrow we’ll be sending videos to my parents, Tammy, and Larry. We didn’t get the chance to film us swimming yet, but we will eventually. They’ll see Castles & Coasters, Piggy swimming and sitting in a chair. They’ll see scenery out at Paradise Valley and a house tour.

I swear, though, if I don’t hear from Larry by the end of the summer - fuck it. I’m not gonna bother sending letters. I’ve only sent 3 in the last few months and I haven’t called. I told him I’d let him call me.

I’ll be doing a letter for “Bug” soon. That’s Diana’s nickname. I got another letter from her a few days ago. They’re nice, but I wish she’d mix more reality with her mumbo jumbo and not spray her damn perfume on the letters.

Later…

Yesterday we went to visit Mom and Dad for nearly two hours. Mom and I had an interesting chat while she fixed my halter top.

I sent my “Bob game” idea to Kim in a letter and I’m waiting to hear what she has to say about it. I’ve got two ideas.

Send a letter from a fellow inmate with a crush on him that didn’t quite have the guts yet to tell him to his face.

Send a letter from a friend of Chassidy’s. One not overly threatening, but then again - who cares if I did? He wouldn’t tell the guards and they wouldn’t give a shit or feel sorry for him anyway. The letter would be untraceable with no return address, and I’ve already sent threatening and wacky stuff to him. I’d disguise my handwriting and then send it to Kim to send to him.

Or I could combine the two ideas and say that I’m an unhappy friend of Chassidy’s. Also, I have an ex in there who’s got the hots for him.

Tom’s editing the videos now and taking out boring parts.

Tom slipped again yesterday, and yes, I set him up for it. I said, “We’re gonna have that talk in January,” in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.

He said with confidence, “Yup.”

I said, “We are for sure.”

He said, “I said we’re gonna discuss it,” then, “Don’t try to manipulate me,” he said in a very annoyed tone as he realized what I did and that I caught him.

I can’t believe my oh-so-perfect-in-every-other-way husband is doing this to me. How can my own husband insist his own wife is trying to manipulate him into allowing them to have a child? And since when is it considered manipulation for a woman to want her husband to allow them the child they agreed to have??? It’s probably jealousy and just something he’d really rather not deal with, no matter how many times a day he tells me otherwise. I didn’t want to admit it or believe it, but I know exactly what’s going on here.

Later…

Gonna be watching a movie in a few minutes, then I’ll be back to update a few things. Here are Tom’s hours first of all, which I’ll also copy into 54. Monday-Tuesday, 8 AM - 4:30 PM. Wednesday, 10 AM - 4 PM. Thursday-Friday, 11 AM - 4 PM.

FRIDAY, JUNE 16, 1995
There’s not much to write about now, other than that the address labels came. That was fast. I didn’t think they’d come till mid-July.

I’m really tired today, cuz yesterday I was up for 20 hours, then barely slept 6-7 hours.

Got a letter from Kim today, as well as an anniversary card from her.

THURSDAY, JUNE 15, 1995
I’ve got lots to write about before I get any more backed up. I’ll try to go in order of events starting with yesterday. First of all, I can’t believe I’ve been married for one year! And with him for nearly two!

Yesterday morning I went to the dentist who told me pretty much what I figured she would. I felt doomed and really bummed out about it. All I could do was cry about it. Everyone has some form and degree of gum disease and I’ve got the beginnings of periodontal disease. My gums are sensitive and a bit inflamed. When I told her I’d love to have dentures she said there’s not one good thing about having them and if I take care of my teeth now I can have them for the rest of my life. She took x-rays and measured my gums and said I should see her 2-3 times for cleaning and fillings. She said if I put it off, I could run into serious trouble in 5-15 years. I do want to get this taken care of and over with, I just hope it won’t cost a fortune and that the bulk of it will be covered. I also need to see an orthodontist and an oral surgeon about the impacted baby tooth and wisdom teeth. Luckily these aren’t as urgent as the other stuff, but they will be eventually. I hope to have all this done and over with within a year. Tom’s gonna be calling to find out what the insurance will cover and then we can set something up.

We called and told my parents and you won’t believe what they told me! They don’t have a date yet, but sometime in the fall they and their bird will be on America’s Funniest Home Videos. They sent them a tape and they got a letter back saying they’d been accepted. Dad said the bird climbs down his throat and sings and laughs, as well as says about 60 words. He says he says stuff like, “Dureen come here.” Then if Ma ignores him he says, “I said, Dureen come here.” He also says, “Heidi,” and “Max, go make a duty,” and sings some song about a chicken going down the road. Well, we’ll be anxiously waiting for it to air and we’ll tape it. I’m sure Andy and Kim will, too.

Tom begins work on Tuesday at Bank of America, so I’ve got to reschedule my appointments with Doctors Rauche and Rugg. It’s only $8 an hour and 32 hours a week, but the hours are more flexible so he can get a second part-time job. Or maybe he’ll end up there 40 hours a week and get raised. It will be 8 AM - 4 PM Monday and Tuesday, and Wednesday too, I think. Then, 10 AM - 4 PM on Thursday and 11 AM - 4 PM on Friday.

No obnoxious dog from next door, but I know them. There’ll be another show soon enough. Anything beats the kids, though.

Later…

Kim called yesterday, but before I discuss our funny chat, I’m surprised Andy forgot it was our anniversary today. I had asked him a few times in the last few months when it was and he had remembered, so I’m surprised he didn’t mention anything about it today when he left a message.

I’m a little disappointed Tammy never sent a card or called. I know not all people are good with cards, but I’d have really liked to have added her card to my binder. I’ll stick in the two we got, though (from our parents). It makes me wonder how she’d have been if we had had a kid. Would she call it? Write to it? Send it a birthday card? Well, I won’t ever have to worry about it. That’s for sure.

Tom and I made a deal (even though I’m not stupid and know the outcome). He said let’s not make any decisions until January. Let’s not get me the operation, pill, etc. till and if I’m not pregnant by January. Well, I won’t be pregnant by or after January, so maybe I’ll go on the pill. The pill’s supposed to stop your period or make it occur less often, I guess.

He contradicted himself again today. I was teasing him about an ongoing joke he says I tell a lot. I said something like, “If I’ve told you the story a lot, then tell me what day of the week it happened on.” Then he said, “I don’t remember. I’ve heard it so much that it’s gone so far back in my mind. That’s how it works with me.”

That’s not how he says it works with his not cumming. He says the more he hears about it, the more he can’t put it in the back of his mind where he claims he needs it to be to cum.

Uh-huh. Right.

Speaking of periods - what a weird half-assed one this has been. From the 10th to the 13th I had spotting. The last two days were barely more than spotting and now my pad’s as clear as can be. I charted it from the 13-15, though. My boob soreness isn’t all gone and I sure hope I’m not in pain with it built up or backed up or however you want to put it, before July’s period.

We got our “toys” in the mail which I’ll go through after a smoke.

Later…

The hummingbird, which is a clit vibrator for times Tom’s busy, working, or asleep, and the rose tattoos are out of stock, so they’ll be shipped eventually. We did get the body oils, chocolate Lick It and Love It cream, a porn tape, and 9 cards. The cards were of different women posed in different outfits and positions. I tried to draw a couple but had no luck yet. The free tape (like the cards) was so-so. I stroked Tom as we watched 4 different scenes. The tape was about 40 minutes long. The women did stuff with guys as well as with other women. First there were two women with one guy. Then a woman doing herself. Then two women and two guys, so I guess there were three 20-minute scenes. The chocolate cream is for when Tom goes down on me. The body oils do warm to the touch and they won’t make you shiver when it’s chilly or in the winter or if a cool draft blows on you. You can lick this stuff, too. I haven’t tasted any yet, but I’ve smelled them. I like the blueberry and cherry. The cinnamon is OK, but the tangerine is gross.

Later…

Kim called yesterday evening. She got her first letter from Bob all about my fuck you letter. She read this part where he cries, “I got a letter from Jodi telling me to fuck off and I’m a fucking, selfish geek and she’s right. I am the cause of my own problems and I lose everyone over stupidity.”

Then he claims he wrote on tons of envelopes and can’t always find someone willing to trade it for a plain one. If that’s true it’s cuz who wants corny messages on their envelopes? I got a letter from him yesterday he obviously wrote before my fuck off one hit. He lied to Kim about two things, though. He said my letters were getting farther apart, and that he won’t call me, but as I told her, he tried a few days ago.

She sent the edits which he said he got and liked.

Maybe we can turn Bob into a fun game. I’ll write a letter in handwriting he won’t recognize and send it to Kim to send to him. Maybe I’ll be a secret admirer that’s heard of his case and has seen him. Or maybe an enemy of his, like a friend of Chassidy D, the girl who he’s supposed to have raped. I’ll think about it and talk it over with Kim.

Now for today’s events. We typed each other up anniversary messages, then went to Castles & Coasters. The good part was that we filmed some of their gorgeous scenery. The bad part is that near the end of our course, I got overheated and nearly passed out, so I got some water and then we left.

We went across the street to the Metro Center mall where I found the most awesome bathing suit store I ever saw. We’re definitely gonna go back there, as I chose not to get anything there today. Why? Cuz I would’ve felt bad about getting something for me when this is supposed to be our day, so I wanted to get something for us.

Over at Best Buy, they had an awesome 6-CD changer with dual cassette, etc., but nope. Cuz that’d be only for me.

What we did end up buying for us was a $40 camera which is super nice with nice features. It beats that piece of shit Kim sent me. It’s a 35 mm with a place to put it on a tripod, and a timer so we can take a picture of us all by ourselves. It’s automatic with a transposing feature if that’s the right word for it. It lets you appear twice in one picture. I don’t know if we did it right, but we set it up to make it so I was sitting outside in the lounge and also kneeling beside it all in one picture. Cool, huh? We also got film, a camera case, a photo album, and a device that strips off a copy guard from videos.

Then we came home, went to Red Lobster later, came back, I took a quick dip in the pool, we screwed, and now I’m soooo tired! Bye!

TUESDAY, JUNE 13, 1995
Yesterday was a really shitty day for me. I know that if I had written yesterday I’d have said more things in detail while they were fresh on my mind, but most of the time it’s too hard for me to write or do much of anything when I’m that pissed or upset. Most of it was nothing new and I was PMSing, too.

Some things about Tom and sex are still really damn confusing to me, but whether they are or not, I’ve just got to fucking accept what can and cannot be. He’s absolutely not gonna cum and we’re absolutely not gonna have a kid, so I’ve got to just deal with it and get on with my life. I know and I’m sure that in a matter of 5-10 years from now I’m gonna be more than grateful he never came and that we never did have a kid, but right now, I’ve got to get over it.

There are a lot of little things I wanted to say, but I just can’t remember them all right now. Especially now that I’m in a fine mood.

Tom’s been walking on the treadmill to give him more energy and make him feel better.

Well, the normal way a man and a woman have sex is for the woman to cum first, then the guy continues on to cum cuz he can’t stay hard afterward. So yesterday we screwed and after I came, he stopped as he always does, and the guy wasn’t even out of breath. Now tell me the guy isn’t just screwing only to get me off and I’ll tell you you’re full of shit. He still insists that it “takes care of him, too.”

Whatever.

Now here’s a contradicting as well as a confusing statement. He told me that if we had a kid, I’d still be his #1. That’s not what he said a few weeks ago. He said in a family unit, there is no #1 and that everyone’s #1.

He told me yesterday that he’s afraid to cum and he’s afraid not to cum. He said, either way, he feels trapped with nothing but cons to doing either one. He said if he doesn’t cum, I’m not happy, and if he did cum, he’d be afraid I’d really think he was holding back. I told him that whether he came now, in a year, 10 years, or never, yes, I’ll be thinking that but not to worry about what I think. Then he said, “But I worry about what you think and your feelings more than my own.”

Then why doesn’t he cum if he’s so worried about my feelings?

Anyway, as time goes on, I lose all hope and faith, as I said before. Even though he insists we will have a kid. It’s just like with the women. First, it was such a big deal for the longest time, then little by little, it wore off of me. That’s how I know that his not cumming and our not having a kid can and should wear off too. I mean, desires do change throughout the years. There are certain things I used to want to do and places I used to want to go that no longer appeal to me, etc.

That’s the general scoop on that subject. Now for the second thing that had me furious yesterday.

About 4-5 times yesterday I could’ve sworn I heard that fucking dog back next door again. The one that she said wasn’t theirs. I thought to myself, oh no! How often are they gonna take care of that fucking beast? And when are these people gonna fucking get it that quiet means quiet, and why is there always a fucking show from over there, and did they give them this dog to keep this time around?

Then later when Tom went up on the roof to do something to the cooler, he said he saw it and it was a puppy (a different dog) but that it’d be huge when it was full grown. He said he thought they were just taking care of it for someone cuz he doubted they’d get a dog that large.

So, what are they doing now? Dog-sitting for the people of this city? Anyway, the good news is that I haven’t heard it today and the kids have still been great.

I’ve got an appointment to see a dentist tomorrow. She can clean, do x-rays and maybe fillings. If not, she can do the fillings another time and she can surely refer me to an oral surgeon if needed. I only hope it does not cost a fortune and take a million appointments.

Alex is all moved into his 2-bedroom in Vermont. His rent’s around $600 which is amazing from the way he described it. Hell, you can’t even get a 2-bedroom in most of New England for under $800. He said it’s big and in a nice area. When I typed a reply to him, I started to ask him if the area’s quiet, but then I realized that that’d be a dumb question seeing that he’s deaf. He’s still with Mary who’s looking for work there with plans to move in with him. Right now she’s working in MA.

We left out two 19” color TVs for Goodwill to pick up today. One of them was one that Scott gave me. Also, the twin bed that Donna gave me and the couch that Scott gave me. The guy took everything but the couch. The idiots didn’t have the decency to tell us they wouldn’t take the couch, but we know why. The bed and TVs are in worse condition than the couch, so that’s not it. It’s no doubt cuz the guy was alone and his truck was full with it being the end of the day.

So after I called Goodwill to say thanks a lot and that we won’t donate to them ever again, Tom had a good idea. We put it in the back end of the garage where the car never goes, for him to use to sit on whenever he’s working on any projects in the garage. Then, we’ll leave it here whenever we move.

Tom’s really accomplished a lot around here. Things are more and more organized, and I certainly can’t bitch at him for not getting stuff done we agreed to do or he agreed to do.

Andy told me that 4-5 days ago, this mother and her two kids moved in next door and that the kids woke him up, and that the guy downstairs must’ve been pissed cuz he blared his music. Today he told me he talked to her and he’s lucked out with her as I did with next door. This is because most people out here would be like, “Fuck you! We’ll be as loud as we want to be.”

He said she’s really nice and that the kids, as well as downstairs, have been very quiet.

Diana moved out, but they still work together. He said he’ll give her any mail I send there.

MONDAY, JUNE 12, 1995
I’m kind of tired this morning. I only slept for about 7 hours or so. I feel like I could use another hour or two, but I’ll live.

I have several things I want to do today. One of them is to copy into 90 the 7 pages I printed out last night in size 7. The colorful paper I got yesterday isn’t continuous feed. It’s the manual feed, so I was practicing last night when I printed out my story draft. It’s a pain in the ass compared to continuous feed, but oh well. Tom says they make printers nowadays that are set up to feed single sheets of paper all on their own.

SUNDAY, JUNE 11, 1995
Suspicions, suspicions, and more suspicions about Tom and this baby crap go on. He tells me he understands my feelings. Well, that’s fine, cuz I’m done analyzing the situation, done hoping, done having faith. It’s time for that hysterectomy now. When I go to see Dr. Rugg on the 30th, I’ll set up appointments to go under the knife one last time for Operation 20. I told Tom that I’ll have to lie and tell them I don’t want a child. He said, “If you have the operation, you’re saying you do not want a child. That’s the facts.”

Well, it’s not a fact and that’s not the way I see it. I see it like this - I do want one, but I can’t have one, so why deal with periods till I’m 50-something?

Later…

I was gonna write earlier, but I was just too damn pissed. First I awoke to find my right upper wisdom tooth is popping out, then it was another slap of reality. Instead of getting into too much right now, I’ll just quickly run through the basics.

I’m not due for my period till the 14th, so why I’ve been spotting for 3 days beats me. Obviously, all went well with the ultrasound, or else they’d have called me.

Bob tried to call 4-5 times today, but the one time I answered, I yelled the word, “No!” Then he tried once more, but I turned the ringer off. Before that, though, he left two messages from the prison when we were swimming. I’m rather surprised he did try calling. I thought he’d say to himself, “God, I’m so upset by her letter and I’d like to call her but I won’t cuz I know that’ll piss her off even more and lessen her chances of being my friend again.”

What else is going on? Tom and I went out and picked up that Scotch Guard. He sprayed the flag with it, and our new floral lounge chair.

I got a sheet of press-on dry decals with all kinds of pretty designs. I have them in here and in 90 & 93. I got a new binder and really pretty computer paper. There are 20 sheets of 10 different colors.

Tomorrow I’ll expand more on several subjects. Tomorrow I’ll also be making a dentist appointment. Right now I’m gonna go crash. I am extremely tired.

SATURDAY, JUNE 10, 1995
Tom’s working on the bee machine now, so I thought I’d cover yesterday’s and today’s events. Not much has happened yet so far today to tell about. My plans, though, are to do the dishes, change my bed and type various stuff like journal 84, letters, and maybe I’ll work on my story some more. I’ve been too lazy to work on my medley or to see if there are other parts of convos I never got around to edit.

Yesterday I made a suggestion for the hell of it. I told Tom to start thinking about us fooling around at the beginning of his day when he’s more awake. Also, to get me off by going down on me first, then he can go in there and not have to wait for me to cum before he’s able to stop. He always stops after I cum. He went down on me, got me off, and then went in there. As expected, he acted like he wasn’t even really into it which tells me even more that he screws only to get me off, not us off. He claims to like it when I do him by hand, but each time we get together my suspicions deepen. He’s a fluke, though. He’s what all women dream of (or gay guys like Andy), but he’s a head player. Every time he says he was close, is going to cum, wants a kid and all that shit, he still knows exactly what he’s doing. Well at least due to the fact that he’s easy to please and anything goes with him in bed except for cumming, I can be sexually selfish. Despite all this, though, and his games, I’m amazed at how much easier it’s getting to accept us never having a kid. The desire’s even slacking off a bit. We have enough to do and his game is a turn-off to the idea.

Had I been younger, I would’ve been fascinated to get a notice for jury duty. Instead, I was pissed off to have gotten one yesterday. Tom got one a couple of weeks ago, too. We’re not registered voters, so they must be using the DMV as a roster reference. They even sent it to Jodi “O.” Tom’s sure I can get out of it. Yeah, I’ll make damn sure that I do cuz I’ve had enough of pigs and courts, don’t you think?

The back room’s almost all been rearranged as far as the big stuff goes. Andy’s chair is where the computer was and the computer’s back by the window. No more glare on the screen from the sunlight.

Later I’ll be sorting some resistors for Tom that I call beads. It looks like a colored bead in the center of a thin wire. Also, the electronic chips made to be used in the bee machine are usually known as intergraded circuits.

Tom downloaded a few more puzzles from AOL. Not word seeks, but pictures you scramble then put back together. There’s a tiger, some desert scenes, etc. Here’s the cool thing about it, though. I can take a Norah picture we scanned in, or one of my drawings, scramble that up, then put that back together, too. It’s really super cool.

I forgot to note in here for the hell of it the name of Alex’s new street in Vermont. He too, lives on Pearl St. like Nervous used to. Nervous moved, though, several months ago and who knows if he has a phone? I wouldn’t be surprised if it were a new non-published number or a listed one in Crystal’s name, since they know I don’t know her last name.

Later…

Just had some more “cumless sex” with Tom. I came just fine, though.

I hope this period isn’t gonna be a killer one. The last one was light and this time around I’ve got more PMS. I even have spotting today and yesterday and I’m not due till the 14th.

Yesterday we went to the new main library which is huge. It’s got 5 big floors and a glass elevator where you can see all around you. I got a book by John Saul called Shadows. He’s pretty good and I read one or two of his books when I was in my teens.

Later…

I sure did get a lot of letters yesterday. Two from Bob, one from Diana, and a thank you card from Andy for taping his soaps which I finished up yesterday. On Monday I’ll send one to Andy and one to Bug. (Diana’s nickname) I decorated their envelopes with the decals. I could still smell that damn perfume of Diana’s all over her letter and some of her words were hard to read, but I got by.

Tomorrow’s gonna be 107º, then 108º for Monday. We’re gonna go swimming later.

I also spoke to Kim yesterday who mailed Bob the edits. She can’t wait any more than I can to hear about what Bob has to say to her about my fuck off letter. In a couple of weeks to a month, I’ll write him again and play with his head. It’s not that we hate Bob, he’s just a pain in the ass here and there. For now, let him sit and sulk. Kim said she mailed me a letter last Monday or Tuesday, but probably Monday. I should’ve gotten it by now and Tammy should’ve gotten the letter I sent her by now. If I don’t get Kim’s letter today, this PO here’s really gonna have a problem to deal with.

FRIDAY, JUNE 9, 1995
Well, I have been here for 3 years now! At this time 3 years ago we were heading for Greenfield to see Sheila, then lunch in Northampton, then to Boo and Max’s in Longmeadow. At 1:30 our time will be when I took off.

THURSDAY, JUNE 8, 1995
I finally heard from Alex who’s moved to Essex Junction, Vermont. He sent his new address and TTY number on AOL.

Got an anniversary card from Marjorie and Ray. That was nice of Mom and Dad S. to send a card. They also sent a check for $25.

Tom’s expecting a call today, so we can’t ignore the phone. Whoever answers Bob’s call will just refuse it. Tomorrow he should get his “fuck you” letter.

Had a good day yesterday and hot sex.

We put up two blue plastic tarps over the back patio where the rafters tore off.

Later…

I just called Kim hoping to catch her on her way out to work, but I got the machine instead. I wondered if she got the edits I sent her to send to Bob, not that I really give a shit anymore. I also told her about the letter Bob will be getting tomorrow, as I’m sure she’ll hear all about it.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 7, 1995
I talked to Mom and Dad yesterday. She turned 63. Tom talked with them, too. At one point Dad said, “I could’ve used your help earlier.” I asked with what and he said, “I couldn’t fit 63 candles on the cake.”

I burst out laughing and Ma said, “Thanks, you two,” and hung up her extension.

I said, “Ma will have a wonderful birthday now.”

Dad said, “Yeah, I’m in trouble now, huh? God, we’re gonna be married 44 years.”

After we hung up, I realized I have the perfect solution for next year’s birthday for Ma. He can just get two cakes and put 32 candles on each one. There’s also always the option of jamming candles into the sides of the cake.

Later…

I’ve been scheduled to see Dr. Rauche at 2 PM on the 20th.

Yesterday the electronic chips came that Tom’s gonna use to make that bee-repellant machine with. He also got something that’s supposed to improve the TV’s reception.

I fell asleep yesterday before Tom got home from doing errands and he got me a beautiful 3-D journal. I love it and I could see the image instantly. The cover has cat faces all over it and the image is of a cat hovering over a fishbowl. That was so sweet of him, and the search for one with a live cactus or palm tree continues.

Tom gave me some letter decals. There are a few cards with numbers and letters and you put the one you want down where you want it, then rub it off onto the surface with a pencil.

We also printed out charts for our weight, measurements, and any exercises we do. I’ve got a set of them in the back of this book.

Later…

These letters don’t peel off as easily as I thought they would. Not off of paper, anyway.

How am I doing with accepting us never having a kid? Pretty good. I had made the comment earlier, “I wish we really could’ve.” Tom said he’s “planning” on it.

Yeah, right.

TUESDAY, JUNE 6, 1995
Yesterday I finished that big puzzle with the 4 puppies. Then when I went to flip it over the damn thing broke up. About a third of it did anyhow. After an hour or two I got it back together again and taped the back of it.

I just went and tried on some clothes. I’ve really got to lose 5-7 pounds or so. If I really thought I’d be pregnant, then it wouldn’t matter. In the last couple of years, though, my chest has grown, so my clothes will probably always fit differently, regardless of my lower body size.

I had a chat with Tom, but believe me, I still know better and wouldn’t allow it to refuel my hope. He brought up the subject and asked, how did this get so complicated? I said I didn’t know, but I did know that millions of other people seem to have no problem. I told him, “You said it was always up to me, but in fact, it’s up to you.”

Then he said, “Well, if it’s up to me, I want a kid, and now would be a perfect time.”

After I told him to put his actions where his words are, he told me about his “new” subconscious fear. He said that if he came now he’d be afraid of me really thinking he’d been holding back. I told him I have always felt that but that this shouldn’t worry him if he really wants a kid. He told me how he knows his problem isn’t physical. I’ve always known that. I also told him how for a long while there I felt insulted by his not cumming. He was too caught up by holding back to show how much he appreciated his wife. This is my opinion and I stressed to him how he has a right to his own beliefs and opinions, but I can’t help mine which I’ve got a right to.

Anyway, the good thing about it is that it was a quick and nice conversation. We didn’t fight and were hugging and kissing after and before he got on with the job hunt. Still, he told me not to worry and I won’t, but I know him better. He can tell me as many times as he wants how much he wants a kid, but that won’t change anything. I told him I didn’t expect it to, either.

He was in bed after I got up so I hope he has good job news for me.

Today’s Ma’s birthday today, so I’ll call her later. She’s either 63 or 64. I’ll ask her.

Later…

A couple of things have happened that piss me off, but it’s petty shit compared to my old life. Again the mailman delivered us a newspaper that goes next door and what’s pissing me off is the fact that if their mail’s coming here, ours is certainly going there or God only knows where and whoever’s getting it obviously isn’t returning it. I’m gonna call the PO today or leave a note out for our mailman, or both, and ask them to read the mail correctly.

The other thing that has gotten on my nerves once again is Bob. I’ve told him several times not to write on the envelopes of his letters to me cuz he writes tacky, corny, embarrassing shit. I love a lot of things about him as a friend, but I’m so sick of him being so selfish and doing what he wants to do. I need a break, if not forever, then at least for now. I told him so in a letter.

MONDAY, JUNE 5, 1995
I did several things earlier. I briefly spoke with Andy, showered and straightened my hair, typed letters to my parents, Kim, and Bob, changed the printer’s ribbon and revised the master grocery list. I also made baked potatoes and pudding, played with Piggy, listened to music, typed up more of 84, and soon I’ll do the dishes and work more on my puzzle.

One of my journal notes on my list I have here says, “inter.” What the hell’s that supposed to mean? I can’t even understand my own notes tonight.

It looks like Tom did some more work on the back room today. He’s been amazing lately.

I feel much better now and believe I’m well on my way to dealing with knowing for sure we’ll never have a kid. I’m proud of myself for not bringing it up too, and even dreaded the thought of him bringing it up, but he didn’t.

When I was typing 84, I had said that I’d be thrilled about his not cumming if it weren’t for my trying to conceive. I’m surprised I wrote that cuz for the longest time, I felt like I wasn’t doing a good enough job. It is a little insulting and it may always be, but for the most part, I can see myself not caring either way. I suppose I will always appreciate not having to deal with his cum all over. If we ever slept together there’ll be cum cuz he gets off in his sleep. Or by his own self, but not by his wife. Anyway as the reality of his never cumming sets in deeper and deeper, there are two reasons why my attitude is - fine, don’t cum. Cuz it keeps things cleaner, and personally, I’m not as eager to be great in bed so I can feel less insulted by his not cumming and showing me that I’m good enough to get him off. Not after the stunt he pulled about knowing he’d never cum and all this BS kid talk. I’m sure I’ll be glad, though, as I get older cuz I still don’t know if I could ever handle having and raising a kid. If he says, “But, I’m going to cum anytime now,” I won’t be like, “Oh, yeah? No, you won’t, cuz I know you better.” I’ll just say something like, “Sure honey. Anything you say.”

He stopped and checked the prices on that bed I mentioned. They go from $500-$1000 bucks. Out of our budget and probably out of the question, too.

He requested a catalog on bookbinding and all sorts of ways to make them.

I don’t know what you call it, but it’s like a lacy, plastic puffy thing you use with that body shampoo I got. Well, I had gotten a pink one which fell apart, so today he got me a new one which is great. I envisioned a multicolored one too, so that’s pretty neat. It’s got pink, purple, green, blue, red, yellow, peach, light blue and I’m sure there are a few other colors.

Back in 1987, as I’ve said and written, I had a feeling about something big going down in 1994. Well, I was half right. It didn’t have anything to do with singing as I had thought and hoped, but lots of stuff did happen. Well, my point is that for some reason I have a feeling about something going on in 1997. I have no idea what it could be, but I hope it’s nothing bad if I’m right.

I remember what “inter” meant. It was a note about house interest rates. Andy said he heard this too, and Tom told me about it. I don’t know how it works, but interests are at an all-time low and will probably be that way for quite a while. Tom said, “We may be in a position to move soon,” but I still say it’ll be at least 2-3 years. Maybe that’s in 1997.

I guess the move to Vermont must be really rough on Alex or keeping him incredibly busy. No word from him by AOL or regular mail in about a month.

I had a weird dream with Kim in it. I told her about it in my letter to her and I’m sure she’ll get quite a laugh over it. In the dream, she bought a house out here. I was over visiting. I sat in her living room and while she stepped out into her kitchen, 4 of my bottom teeth fell out!

Andy met the guy below him who he thinks is a dealer cuz he’s always home, has weird hours and a slew of people coming and going. One night he was cranking his music when a friend of his and Diana’s stomped real hard. He came up and said, “Music doesn’t bother me, but could you please not walk so hard?”

Andy said, “Sure, but could you please lower your base on your stereo?”

He did and Andy says he’s really nice and loves his new apartment I’m glad he does, but I wonder how the guy can deal with Andy’s regular walking which is like stomping.

Lastly, he says Diana’s moving out soon. She’s gonna live with this guy who’s in a wheelchair rent-free while she helps him out, so that’s good. He’s really happy, though, to realize that he truly can live with someone.

SUNDAY, JUNE 4, 1995
Just a quick update now as there’s really not much to say.

I did some wall art. Or door art, I should say. There’s a little spice cabinet in the kitchen. I did something different and while I did, Tom was all helpful and in a wonderful mood. I noticed that the cactus figurine I painted cast a perfect shadow on the wall, so I traced it. Then I drew it on the door with carbon paper. All around it, I drew colorful stripes.

Last night, what I already knew really hit me and I cried for hours. It was as if a doctor who’d run tests came out and told me I was sterile for sure. That’s how hard the reality that I’ll never have a child slapped me. It’s like accepting someone who’s died, then you mourn through it till you’ve dealt with it. The more I cry over it, the easier it’ll get. That’s what I believe anyway. I sometimes even try to make myself cry over it to keep flushing it out of my system. The tears don’t always come, though.

How do I feel about Tom? As expected, I guess. I love him for a million reasons. However, this was a hell of a raunchy thing to do to me or any other woman. I still can’t help but believe that this is just another one of those things he said he’ll do and wants, but will always be nothing but talk. I still very firmly feel that he knew it all along. He knew what he intended to do - not cum and keep it that way. Will he ever come out and say so? I’d have been bummed too, if he’d told me from the get-go that he never wanted a child, but this is different. Will he ever come out and say, “Jodi, I’m so sorry for getting in over my head with telling you I’d cum and we’d have a kid. Truth is, though, I won’t let myself cum cuz I don’t want one.”

I just know deep in my gut, heart, and mind that he knew. As hurt as I am, I don’t love him any less. There are too many hundreds of great things about him and I know no one is perfect. He obviously just never had the heart to tell me he didn’t want one cuz he knew how much it meant to me. He will, though. Within a few months. He can’t play this game forever. Especially when I refuse to discuss the matter with him anymore. Remember? He said that that’d be his “cure.” Well, he can get off by all the wet dreams he wants and keep my sheets dry, cuz there are still plenty of reasons not to want a kid.

Sometimes I wonder why we bother to screw. I can give him a hard-on with my hand and I always favored being eaten out.

Later…

Today’s been a shockingly great day. I seem to be more accepting of never having a kid. At first, the thought was depressing, but then it got better.

Tom’s still in his wonderful mood and at his initiation, we did screw around. There was something different about it, though. I can’t pinpoint it or come up with a word for it. Maybe it was more intense? More heartfelt? He seemed more into it and it was true. He definitely wasn’t acting and said it gets better and better. He also said he wasn’t thinking about it but was close. I loved it. The variety of his different speeds and movements was great.

SATURDAY, JUNE 3, 1995
Andy and Diana just came to get Thursday and Friday’s soap tapes. They came from work, so they wanted to get home and eat and were only here for two seconds. God, do they have geeky uniforms!

I asked if she could lose the perfume the next time she visits, as it’s quite overwhelming. No problem, she said.

He likes my hair straight and he usually likes curly hair, though. I think my hair looks much better straightened. It’s neater, longer, and easier to manage.

It’s amazing (but a blessing) that I haven’t heard them across the street even a little. No car stereo and no band playing quieter like he did when I discussed it with him. I know the same people live there. The mother, I mean. I can’t see him suddenly becoming a hermit who never goes anywhere and who suddenly hates music, so he’s definitely out of there. The thing of it is, though, he never seems to visit so I guess they don’t associate with one another anymore.

FRIDAY, JUNE 2, 1995
Boy, was I ever wrong about Tom on one thing! As I was waking up today, he was filling out a form to get those sex toys, as well as those labels several pages back. Can’t wait till we get them!

Got the package from my parents today. Yup, there was a flag. It was of Noah’s Ark like my sister got. There was a teddy bear, a lion, a giraffe, an elephant, and I think that was it. We put it at a 45º angle off the patio by the pool. You can see it from the street that runs alongside our house. It’s really cleverly made so it pivots around and doesn’t get all wrapped up around the pole. It’s on a nice stylish wooden pole, too. I was picturing a metal pole. There was also a Noah’s Ark wind chime and bird feeder. The backyard sure is nicely decorated now. I thought about decorating the front eventually with a wind chime or whatever, but nah. This may not be Springfield, but I don’t want to put something out that could be stolen. We got a Noah’s Ark picture frame, but none of the pictures of us will fit into it. Lastly, she sent us an anniversary card and 3 different pieces of stationery. I sent one to my parents, one to Kim, and one to Bob.

Tom offered to go down on me before he went to bed. I said, “This is a good time for that.”

He said it was called being up a very long time and being tired.

That’s true.

Yesterday I read him the part about that woman in that camp in Maine. Today he told me he really liked it and said it was some of the best writing I’ve ever done. That’s cool.

Later…

Today was an OK to a fairly good day, but it just turned lousy. Yes, I admit it’s all my fault, too. The only part that has me upset with Tom is that I feel a bit more shut out at times. Sometimes I want to chat while he’s so engrossed in sports on TV. He also tells me to say and ask whatever I want whenever, but then he seems frustrated with me.

A little while ago I blew up at him, calling him a fucking liar. Saying I knew he’d never cum and he knew it. He told me that being called a fucking liar is just as abusive as a man beating up his wife. He said if it continued, he’d divorce me and throw me out on the streets. He said that’s an abnormal paranoia for me.

I said, “When your own parents throw you away, what do you expect?” True, though, that I was still being mean, cruel, and cold by swearing at him.

Why and how can I be so mistrusting of him about sex and having a kid? I trust him with everything else, so why can’t I trust him with this? He always comes through on his word to me about other things. He’s just not very punctual, so why can’t I trust, believe, and count on him with this? I don’t know if I’ll ever believe that he will cum, but if he doesn’t why blow up at him? Better to just accept it if he doesn’t, cuz us not having a kid doesn’t make me love him any less. Also, he’s not Dureen O. He never has or will do any of the shit she’s done, and I know it’s not fair of me to compare the two.

Later…

He just came in to say he was sorry for the mean things he said. He said he was sorry about saying he’d put me out, cuz he never really would and loves me forever. That’s so sweet and I apologized, too. He didn’t ask me to, but I’m gonna work on not swearing so much in general. It’s a subconscious thing that I need to make myself more aware of to break the habit. I know that if we did have a kid, he wouldn’t appreciate me swearing so much and I respect that. Just like I know he respects my wanting to show the kid neatness and organization, then it can do what it wants when it’s on its own.

Anyway, the bottom line is that despite the mean things we said to each other, he’ll never cum, he knows it, and there’s nothing he’ll do about it. Therefore, there’ll surely be no kid, not to mention the fact that I’d feel more like he appreciates me in bed if he did cum. This is something that’s very hard for me to accept, but these are all my true and honest feelings and opinions. I doubt I’ll be wrong on something I feel so strongly about, no matter how much he tells me he wants a kid. Not after the fact that we’ve been screwing for over a year. Back up until around my surgery, I had some hope he’d change, but now it’s gotten rather obvious. Again he said today he was anxious to have a kid, but I know better than to think that’s possible any more than maybe 5% - 10%.

Diana got my letter today and Andy said she loved it. He said he offered her an NPN envelope, but she wants to keep it.

Andy also said he loved the writing about the camp memory. He was confused, though, on a couple of things. He didn’t think I could remember anything at age 9. Not a lot. My memory didn’t improve until I got to my late teens. The only reason why I remember being 9 that summer is cuz of a comment my mom made. When we were packing me for the second camp in Maine, she said that the last time I was at camp was when I was 9 and I know I was 14 at that time.

He also questioned the part where she said, “Go to sleep or I’ll kiss you all over.” He said that sounded sexual.

But it wasn’t at all. She was only playing with me.

Yesterday I finished all the puzzles from my magazine subscription. The next one’s due around 6/14.

Tom and I are gonna check into this new bed we saw that I sure hope is affordable and not all BS. I saw a commercial where bowling pins were set up on one side and a ball was thrown on the other, but the pins never fell. In other words, the bed is for people like me who are light sleepers.

They’re playing some really good tunes tonight on the radio. In an hour and a half from now at 9:30, Norah’s gonna be in that movie called Appointment with Death. She’ll probably only be in it for two seconds. It’s an Agatha Christy movie set back in the 1930s so I can only imagine what pitiful outfits she’ll be wearing. Andy was kind enough to remember that I had asked him to record it as a backup. However, I told him not to worry cuz it’ll be on next week too, and there’ll be no storms tonight. Tomorrow evening we’re gonna go over to his parent’s house. I haven’t seen them in a while. Plus, Ma’s sister Neva (Geneva) wants to meet me. She’s from Michigan but is staying here for a month or so to escape the shitty weather and ice storms they’ve been having.

Last night I sent Alex a letter on AOL. Soon, I’ll go check and see if there’s any response from him. I’ll also type a letter to Kim and enclose one for her to send to Doug.

When I talked to Dad, he hadn’t gotten the fingerspelling letter. I told him I wouldn’t tell him what it was, but I let him know a neat surprise was on its way. He said I have a surprise on its way too. I thought it might be a letter. Then I noticed on the calendar that this Saturday is Passover, so it’s probably just a card.

Now the unfortunate news. On 6/30 I have to go see Dr. Rugg again for another pap. The swab was too bloody to read. All else is OK, but the results of my ultrasound aren’t in yet.

THURSDAY, JUNE 1, 1995
Andy and Diana left a little while ago. They never got to the concert cuz the cable guy came and said the building’s got to be rewired. Who knows when it’ll be fixed? He brought me 7 tapes for now anyway. They’re now on their way over to his old place to get the rest of his stuff, and vacuum. They were here for almost an hour and they got me a burger and fries for my taping the soaps. While they were here, we mainly chatted about old times. Our pranks and stuff like that.

He says the laundry room’s nice, the people seem friendly, but the walls are paper-thin. That’s Arizona for you. He says he can hear the TV in the apartment behind his kitchen and their cabinet doors opening and closing. Also, the guy below him is constantly blasting his rap music, even till 4:00 in the morning.

As we’ve said before, people only care about themselves. For example, there’d be serious problems if the two dogs next to Lenore’s house two houses down from us were right next door. They bark when someone drives through or walks through the back alley and they are outside 24 hours a day. It seems all dogs in Arizona are always kept outdoors whether it’s raining, chilly, or 115º.

I typed a wacky letter to Diana which she’ll probably get Friday.

I gave him about 15 NPN envelopes to mail for me and I let him open one. It was of my memory of that camp counselor in Maine and that only. I’d never give him anything I wouldn’t want him to read in case he opened it. When he pulled it out, he goes, “Oh, I love these things.”

I’ll be back to write more later, but right now I’m gonna watch TV.

Later…

Another thing Tom said we were gonna do is order those sex toys, but to hell with it. If he doesn’t do something he says, then fine. I’m not gonna push or question it. Could he be worried that these things will add more excitement to our intimacy and that he’ll lose it and cum for sure? How is it that I’m so trusting of this guy with everything and anything, except for the issue of his not cumming and about the kid? Why am I so skeptical of him with those two issues?

I asked him to go down on me earlier since I figured he’d probably say he was too tired to screw and he had just had an allergy attack. He seemed elated saying that’s what he likes and was afraid to bring it up cuz I’m less horny at this time of the month. I’m usually hornier towards my period, but you never know with me. That was really what I wanted yesterday too, cuz I wanted to cum faster. I did offer to do other stuff with him after, but no. This is a sign to me of his lack of seriousness about the kid. He knew I was in the middle, too. I asked him if this knowing I was in the middle distracted him from the fun of it. He said he’d never know where my cycle stood without me saying anything about it. I have my doubts about this, but my little test will tell. We’ll see if month after month goes by with him avoiding me at that time without my mentioning my cycle. Why he’d have to avoid me, though, if he really is, beats me when all he has to do is continue to keep from cumming. Is it his way of telling me he doesn’t want a kid cuz he doesn’t have the heart to tell me? Well, not that I don’t want one, but this does a good job of lowering the desire somewhat. I’m not gonna keep playing this goddamn mother-fucking game with him!

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Last updated June 11, 2024