First appointment with therapist in Age 36

So I had written that my mental health had taken a dump after my son was hospitalized. (Read previous entries titled ‘Son Hospitalized’ for further details.) I booked the appointment way back in early October I think. I even forgot about it until I got the reminder emails. I went ahead with the appointment, but I thought that I was doing a lot better so I might not need it after all. Pffft. If there is one area of the body that really doesn’t like to be bothered, its the conscious mind.

I gave her my history on my depression and such, and then finally reached where my son was hospitalized. I started crying and didn’t know why. I kept asking her and even myself, why am I crying? I am over this. Its done. He’s home and healthy. WTF? She asked some follow up questions, and then said that it sounded like I have triggers. That there is still a fear in me that I have not dealt with that needs to be.

I used to be really bad, like self harm (not cutting) bad. I used to have to find physical release to have emotional release. Like punching a hard surface. It felt good to feel the pain and to let the emotions go. Doing this is also my drug. I love to journal. Does anyone read it? I dunno. Hopefully some do. I have some good nuggets in my entries about depression, and what it feels like.

I feel lighter right now. I haven’t felt this way in a while. I think this was a good step, and I hope I am able to find healing from what I went through. Cheers to everyone going through the shit right now. You can get through it friends. It just takes having to get through the stinky, sticky, thick shit.