46 in idea barrages

1.) As a child, they drill in your head how TV cartoons aren’t real, as an adult, you have to pretend TV news is real.

2.) No! Don’t kick out the jams! Where will they sleep? It is very cold out there. Jams have feelings too.

3.) If you’re gonna write a story about a werewolf on the police force, at least have the good sense to call it “Lobocop”.

4.) Remember when we thought The Morton Downey Jr Show was our culture’s nadir? We were some naive-ass sons of bitches then. Back then, it was klansmen throwing chairs on trash television, now it’s klansmen advising major presidential candidates best known as trash television stars. We had no idea how ugly it was gonna get…

5.) Sometimes you just want a root beer barrel candy the size of a large chicken egg.

6.) The fact that “sheeple” is only used unironically by the most sheep-like of people should have warned us Trump was coming.

7.) Instead of the next presidential debate, let’s just have Rivers Cuomo & Eddie Vedder argue whose post-2nd-album output is less essential.

8.) Her standby tickets for the sold-out Fantomas concert were Patton pending.

9.) Don’t call them “ghosts” they prefer “discorporate personhood”.

10.) When someone pitched having the Expressed Written Consent disclaimer sponsored, we shoulda stepped back & reconsidered Western Civilization.

11.) I like the idea of presidencies posthumously revoked for being awful, sort of like a ball player banned from the Hall of Fame.

12.) It’s important to remember how in context the 2nd Amendment wasn’t about “freedom” it was about arming to put down slave rebellions.

13.) Definitely start loudly referring to lite beer as “diet beer”. Act like that’s what it has always been called

14.) So many original sins baked into the American pie, compromises to human rights for socioeconomic expedience that we’ve never excised.

15.) Just minutes after Prohibition’s repeal, they were barley legal.

16.) “Does your wine taste, say, tannic?” and “Does your wine taste Satanic?” are so similar when you eschew the context.

17.) Pour sap into your e-cigarette. Tell everyone you’re not smoking, you’re making vaple syrup.

18.) I’m not much for cautious optimism, I’m more into audacious cautionism.

19.) “This Cruz speech is unwatchable, turn it!” …click… “Jesus, American Dad, almost as bad!”

20.) When I help people buy a new go-phone celly, I pretend I’m a spy purchasing a burner for a mission, just for the fun of it.