329 in idea barrages

1.) When people talk about “house flippers” I can’t help but imagine adorable pet dolphins.

2.) Sympathy for the bartender can be expressed as “oh that poor pour man”.

3.) When Grodd closes a door with his gorillla strength, he opens a window with the power of his MIND!

4.) “Pink Baseball Hats! Because even cheering for a sports team has to be gender normative for some damn reason!”

5.) With fronds like these, who needs anemones?

6.) Next time someone asks you an obvious question, reply “Is The Pope part of a mafia conspiracy?” then wink.

7.) Shaping yourself to an audience has diminishing returns at best. Find an audience for what you’re good at instead.

8.) America wants to fix itself but if it can’t, it’d rather burn itself down than spin its wheels broken & that’s where we are now.

9.) Apparently there’s a country music guy called Luke Bryan but every time I see the name I assume he’s a professional wrestler. I have the same problem with the country music guy Chris Young and the multiple baseball players named Chris Young.

10.) Open up a restaurant called Grub Shack, make your specialty wok lobster, see if I care.

11.) Dear Youtube, watching Paul Simon’s “Call Me Al” does not mean you want to watch Tiffany’s “I Think We’re Alone Now” next.

12.) On CELEBRITY MAD SCIENTIST, Dr. Frankenstein will be the only contestant who claims to be there to make friends.

13.) I want an eight-foot-tall robot version of Lil Wayne that I’d just call Wayne.

14.) The best rap I’ve ever written: “I live by a credo/the only person who’ll have a picture of my wang is the coroner when I’m dead/anyone else must request a live show/but I guess this attitude these days/only proves that I am getting old.”

15.) Part of me still wants to find a band, put together a set-list of my nerdier parodies, tour sci-fi conventions, filk ‘til we die. FILK LIFE.