29 in idea barrages

1.) Did the trailer for “How To Be Single” just tell women to promise sex to their boyfriends in exchange for going to the film?

2.) On the walls of Roman temples from right before the fall, there are etchings of a wine endorsed by a Monkey Dog Baby.

3.) The eggplant is neither an egg nor a plant, it is an intensely bitter prank Italian chefs play on people who don’t know better.

4.) If you can turn around after a touchdown and run it back the other 100 yards back into your own endzone, it should be double-touchdown.

5.) Ted Cruz should marry a Gremlin because then we’d be sure it would never get wet.

6.) The creator of BIG BANG THEORY’s parents were killed by a nerd late one night after a screening of ZORRO.

7.) When in England, if something costs three pounds you can steal it with the legal defense “it sounded like he said FREE”.

8.) She said she was going to help him collect drinking water from dew with plastic sheeting but it was all a thirst tarp.

9.) A parody of “Celebration” about Pavlov’s early experiments? “Sal-i-vate this time, COME ON, make with salivation…“

10.) Normal condoms can’t handle the stresses of Pon Farr, only vulcanized rubbers will do.

11.) The stocking magnate loved to brag about how he has hose in different area codes.

12.) Already written a parody of Lennon’s “Crippled Inside” but still there’s one thing you can’t hide, that’s tribbles inside.

13.) Those “There’s Only One” American flag spare-tire covers lie. There’s millions of those cover. And billions of flags.

14.) If only physically-perfect people have sex the human race will be done in two generations. Impossible body standards as population control.

15.) There are 500,000 Pokemons, Lady Gaga has had 700,000 different “looks” they had to sync up eventually.

16.) Rick Rubin became a Duck Dynasty cosplayer so slowly we didn’t even notice it happening.

17.) Contrary to what you may have heard on the internet, it is not romantic to refer to kitchen sex as “Stovetop Stuffing”.

18.) Ironically, Linkedin annoys you the way that one reminder fairy annoyed Link.

19.) If Discover Card would treat me how I would treat me, man, I definitely do not want Discover Card.

20.) Dear X-Files, no one from Philly would say “pop” of a soda bottle, they are not midwestern heathens.

21.) Whenever I see John Kasich, I can’t help but think of Garry Shandling’s evil HYDRA senator in the Marvel movies.

22.) Elementary-school-headcount caucuses, towns of thirty-five all voting at midnight, so much folksy horsecrap weighing down democracy.

23.) We need gods of instructive chaos. We need goddess of didactic mischief. We need an army of Coyote to push back at these Lokii.