127 in idea barrages

1.) We never found Carmen Sandiego because she dressed up as Where’s Waldo and slipped away forever.

2.) The later we succeed, the later we collapse into success-sheltered self-parody, this is our artistic covenant.

3.) If the endgame is to lead all his followers off cliffs into the sea, perhaps he’ll make America great after all.

4.) My whole life has been a struggle to learn when something is not about me but now at least I can vent my crap on Twitter as a release valve.

5.) All I have of this “Pina Colada Song” parody so far is “If you like kale and sriracha” and… I dunno. That might be enough.

6.) I need to remind myself that if I win the lotto or find a cache of Little Falls Mets souvenirs, that means I’m in a dream.

7.) When a solar astronomer gets wasted on cheap Mexican beer, be sure to expect a Corona mass ejection.

8.) Remake GHOST except as GOAT and Swayze reincarnated as a goat has to help Whoopi thwart a diamond heist.

9.) Replace every occurrence of “autobots” with “bubblebutts” and every episode of Transformers is 83% better.

10.) When you bury something deep down, you’re planting a seed. Consider the future yield before you do that.

11.) It’s a matchmaking app that works solely on butt pictures. You wipe left or wipe right. It’s called hinder.

12.) A pious young woman is accidentally inseminated by a horrifying kale monster. And they slowly fall in love! JANE THE VEGAN.

13.) That Trump is rejecting Fox News for being too feminist & not biased enough is a ridiculous epitaph for a ridiculous age.

14.) A weekly open mic at a mimosas-and-eggs-benedict weekend brunch would be the most Williamsburg Brooklyn thing ever.