lazy barrage 5 in idea barrages

1.) Has Ben and Jerrys released “Death Cab Tofutti” yet?

2.) Maybe some day a politician will get caught having sex with a mediocre pop star and he’ll be Taylor Swiftboated.

3.) What doesn’t kill you, only messes you up royally.

4.) I guess when the childrens’ television gods name you Schemer or Swiper, eventually you just give in and embrace your destiny.

5.) I’m not “making excuses” for not having a job because I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m explaining why it’s so hard to get one.

6.) It’s adorable you think you can break my hopes with pressure and heat. All it does it turn my dreams to diamond.

7.) Right before getting drunk on cheap wine, make sure to yell “Thunderbird is GO!”

8.) Draw small close-set eyes on your M&Ms and Smarties then put out a big bowl of beady S&Ms for guests.