the world's a stage in --

I don’t believe people pay as much attention to us as much as we think.
I suppose I outgrew the adolescent “spotlight syndrome” thing. I am usually oblivious to others in public. I suppose I’m more interested in my end goal than people watching when I’m out places.

I used to notice people look at me often before I had kids. I didn’t full-on notice, but I would feel it, and sometimes I’d see it. It felt awkward. It felt like I was constantly on display without asking. Now that I’m older, with two children following me/on my hip and presumably less attractive, it doesn’t seem to happen these days. It feels more comfortable, to feel more invisible.

I can’t say that this luxury isn’t a privilege in some cases. I know it depends on the context too. In light of the recent issues of race in our country (and yes, it IS about race) I can say that mostly it’s a privilege for me, as terrible as it is to find privilege in that sort of thing.

For some reason it makes some people uncomfortable to recognize that they have privileges in society. It certainly used to make me uncomfortable. “I can’t help that I’m white,” or “I can’t help that I’m middle class,” or “I can’t help that I’m reasonably attractive.” It doesn’t matter that I can’t help it. It matters that I acknowledge it and KNOW it exists.

This went somewhere that I wasn’t planning for it to go.

This was supposed to be a more “selfish” entry where I talk about how I wish I could accept myself 100% of the time, but I just don’t. Does anyone? I’m doubtful of that. Even Dita Von Teese admitted that she has off days, and she’s… well, she is far from anything on the Ugly Scale.

I started working out again. It is making me more tired than energized. I am dead by 7pm everyday. But I want to fit into my wedding dress. It’s only one size down from my current size. That can’t be too difficult, right?

Bleh. I hate worrying about my weight. I wish I didn’t. But I’m a human female living in a society that values certain body types on women and I’m sucked into it and ugh please fucking help me.

I’m almost down to 120 pounds and I still feel fucking awful. What kind of shit is that?