Hopeless in 2020s

Feeling hopeless when it comes to my fatigue and sleep issues and trying not to let them get me down. Not doing a very good job, though.

My homemade cheese crackers came out awesome! I’m making another batch now.

I’m learning recipes from Kathy, and Jessie is learning from me. She wants to make the crackers and the chicken dinner I made. I slow-cooked a chicken thigh in the small cooker with a butter ball, sugar snap peas, and mushrooms.

I just got done whipping up a creamy cucumber shrimp salad, and that too, is pretty good.

Brought out the rabbit silkscreen and began another painting which I’m sure will end up looking pretty bad when I’m done with it, but I hate to let things sit there unused and waste the money. I’m letting it dry and then I’ll slowly add detail to the rabbit as well as the background.

Looks like the first Temu package, which was split into three, will arrive with my foot callus remover. I got Keri lotion because it’s a bit greasy and thought it would be good for my dry skin. It definitely helps. I like the way it smells—sort of like suntan lotion. You wouldn’t think one’s skin would be so dry in a humid climate, but not only am I older, but when you’re indoors with AC running nearly year-round, it will dry your skin out. My scalp is just the opposite. I’ve always had an oily scalp.

He sprayed for ants, but I saw one running around the edge of the sink again after not seeing any for a few days. They seem to show up right after sundown and always by or in the sink, so I’m guessing they are coming in by the window next to it. I thought ants were active in the daytime, though. Well, not these ants. They’re pretty big too. I don’t know if they bite, and I’m not going to find out either.

So I was up later yesterday after napping, and the same thing happened tonight when I woke up tired and napped later on. Only this time around, the nap seemed to help until a little while ago when I felt my energy deflating like a popped bubble. It’s frustrating as hell. I need to get out and into the sunshine, but that’s not easy to do when you’re up all night. I should be able to catch some morning sun in a few hours.

To work on the site I work on, you have to answer a series of screening questions so they know which studies to include you in. Well, just like they consider Tom old, I guess they consider me suicidal because I got a long study with several questions pertaining to that, but it paid well. I just feel empty and hopeless, even though my life is mostly ideal, and I’m not suffering physically or emotionally nearly as much as I did from 2014 to 2021.

The problem is, I just go right into a new long-term issue when I finally get rid of one, and now it’s fatigue and lack of energy.

While I haven’t been feeling like I want to kill myself, I’ve been feeling like my life is over, mostly because of my lack of energy and sleep issues. The other part is not having a lot of extra money. Other than Tom, Jessie, and Andy if he found out about it, I realize that no one would give a shit if I dropped dead right now. I mean, really give a shit.

I honestly can’t remember the last time I was grateful to be alive. Maybe after we survived the recession was the last time. I almost feel like I’m just going through the motions of life until it’s over. Like I’m in this unseen waiting room that lies between life and death. Like my life has ended, and I’m waiting for the death part of it. I don’t know why I feel this way, even though I have plenty of things to do around the house to keep me busy. But even with all those things, I do the same things every day, and more than half the time I don’t have much energy. I don’t get out nearly as much as I’d like to due to a combination of being on nights half the time and not having much money to do anything. Life seems to be about having energy and money.

At least it won’t cost anything to go sit in the back later on and make use of our new bench. I want to try to get 10 minutes of sunlight every day that I possibly can.

I definitely didn’t sleep as well and remember waking up a lot, as well as to use the bathroom. Again, the ophthalmologist was in one of my dreams, and I’m trying to figure out why the hell he’s popping into my dreams like this. It’s really weird. He never made any impression on me, good or bad, so it must be something on his end, although I don’t see what kind of impression I could have possibly made on him either way. I mean, what’s unique about me that could have stood out? We only spoke about my eyes and nothing else. Okay, so my eyelashes are a little longer than most, and I have green eyes, which is the rarest eye color, but in his profession, I’m sure he’s seen his fair share of this.

Anyway, in the dream, Tom was somewhere else, and I had to wait so long to see the doctor. In fact, due to the long waiting times, he set up a bunch of beds in his waiting room, lol. After a 4-hour wait, he came into the room with a heavy-set, middle-aged blonde woman who had her hair in a ponytail. He told her to make sure she did something, although I’m not sure what that was. Then I thought I should text Tom and let him know I was finally going to be seen soon so he could be ready to pick me up.

In another dream, Tom and I drove up to Massachusetts. We would never even fly up there. Haven’t been there since 1992, and I can’t imagine ever returning.

Last updated August 13, 2024