March 1995 in 1990s

FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 1995
I just tried to call Tammy but she’s still busy. I want to ask her what temperature and for how many minutes she recommends cooking two big potatoes. For all the shit Tom’s gone through today I want to make him a spaghetti dinner with baked potatoes. I told him I was afraid of this happening, but anyway, they’re fucking him around with his severance checks from AMEX. First, they “conveniently” lost it, then they have it waiting for him way the hell out by the Crystal Creek apartments and he’s gotta spend so much money on gas. I remember how I always had to go through the same old shit with food stamps, SS and SSI. Also, one person tells him one thing, while another person tells him something else. Is that familiar to me, or what? Well, I’m honestly glad that I’m not the breadwinner and driver of this household. Poor guy.

I got a really cool letter from Alex today. He’s now using AOL and says he bought his own computer. He says AOL has more deaf users. Tom suggested we try to get me in touch with deaf people that way. Anyway, where does Alex get the money to buy himself a computer?

The envelope and stationery he used were really cool. I’m gonna stick them both in my binder. The most impressive thing was the hands spelling out “Hi Jodi.” I want that and I must ask Tom where we can get the alphabet. I’m sure it can’t be that hard to find. If we’ve got smiley faces, Christmas stuff, and all kinds of other symbols like animals, flowers, etc., I’m sure we can find it. Maybe it’s something Alex can send just like we sent Tammy’s disks of games.

Later…

That was the best spaghetti I ever made! Yup, it definitely helps to get the water boiling first.

I called Tammy back, but she just got in and hasn’t seen the girls cuz she was with Bill.

She gave me a tip on making those baked potatoes. She said to not bother wrapping it in tin foil, but that it’d probably be an hour. She said to poke holes in them, rub oil on my hands, then on the potatoes.

Next time we talk, I’ll not only find out what’s up with Bill but also tell her about the fingerspelling on Alex’s letter.

Later…

Andy just called and I had to go take my second dump of the day.

Yesterday Tom finally got my door sanded. Not well enough, though, so he’ll have to do it some more. Most importantly, he put a vent in the lower part of the door for when the EC is on. This will make it so much more convenient. Now I don’t have to open that door.

Remember that old fashion, ugly New England-looking wall paneling that was in the kitchen? Well, this is what he’s been using to build the cigarette machine.

An idea came to mind for a magazine rack in the bathroom. Right now there’s a black satin bag nailed up that was a slip from an old “Stevie” dress Andy gave me. I asked him to cut me two pieces of wood that are 12 x 16 then a thicker piece that’s 2½ x 16, sand them smooth, and drill two holes up top of one of the 12 x 16 in the two top corners. Then I’ll nail it together and put contact paper on it.

Larry oughta get his edit tape today.

Later…

I sure got a lot done today! I surprised Tom with that magazine rack. However, this idiot forgot to put sides on it as well as to make the front lower so it’d be easier to put up. I tied yarn around it and made a tassel/bow in front. Instead of taping the yarn for extra security, I taped it with contact paper, rather than regular tape. That looks cool. Tom helped me get it up. It does look a lot nicer than that black bag I made.

I’m gonna try to get ahold of Larry on Sunday. That’ll give him the weekend to check out the edits.

Tom got me two new puzzle books today, as I’ll be done soon with the one I’ve got and still have to wait a month or so for the ones in the mail.

We also got soap refills of bubble gum and watermelon.

He picked out Dad’s birthday card which we’ll mail out tomorrow. I’ll be calling him on the 5th.

I finished typing 88, the second storybook. Tom has a total of 50 pages to read tomorrow.

Earlier we revised our list of stuff to do, make, and get.

Tom said he can find and download the sign fonts on AOL easily. He’ll also put Alex in my AOL “address book.”

THURSDAY, MARCH 30, 1995
Boy, am I both shocked and proud of myself! Yesterday I slept longer than life itself. Over 12 hours when I usually sleep 6-9. I was afraid I’d fuck my schedule up as much as I’m dying to get these bandages off and I will one way or another. I fell asleep last night from 3 AM - 6 AM and have been up since. I do intend to easily conk out, though, within the next few hours.

Got a Bob letter today.

I may have forgotten to say that I mentioned to Kim about my not hearing from Alex. When they recently ran into each other she thought he might have said something about going away for a while. Out of state for some kind of soccer competition.

If I had a million bucks I could bet it on the fact that Jenny C will also be hearing those edits. She’ll certainly have mixed emotions about them. It’ll bring back unwanted memories of me harassing her with some of them. She’ll probably also find them funny.

Due to my being married now, there are an awful lot of people between his family and mine. In his family, they don’t give presents for birthdays, anniversaries and stuff like that. Only for Christmas and only the parents give their kids presents. Therefore, I asked Tammy if we could do only cards for each other’s birthdays and anniversaries, but send whatever for Chanukah. She said that’d be fine. I mentioned this to my parents and I’m sure there’ll be no problem.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29, 1995
Been busy with typing and stuff like that lately. I typed up 87 and I hope to get 88 done the day after tomorrow. Believe it or not, I’m gonna let Tom read what I’ve got typed up of my story so far. I’ve come quite a way since last April 13th when I began typing up all these journals.

Kim called earlier. Things are still great with this guy Doug who she’s been with for about a month now, I guess. He’s got our same sense of humor, naturally, otherwise she wouldn’t be with him.

He’s got a PO Box in CT where he’s from down in Vernon. He doesn’t know I live here, so as a joke I’m gonna mail him a wacky letter. Kim says she’ll certainly hear all about it.

Amazingly, Minnie’s been in touch with her. She’s thinking of taking her to see Bob, as they both want to. Especially Minnie who hasn’t seen him since he went into Walpole. That was before Concord and where he is now in Gardner.

We did some yard work around here today and we got the backyard looking a hell of a lot better.

I never paid attention before to notice, but Tom showed me that on the canister vacuum, you can also make it a blower if you move the hose to another hole. It’s not the most powerful thing, but it’s good enough. I blew off the cement around the pool as well as the patio.

A couple of nights ago at 9:30 ET, I called Larry. He was out, but Jenny answered. I spoke to her and Sandy. I let her know I was sending Larry something very wacky that wouldn’t make any sense. He’ll probably figure it out, though. I’m sending a tape of some edits. I’m sure he’ll be cracking up like crazy. He too has a weird sense of humor. Sandy will probably get a kick out of it, too. He should have it Friday. Also, Sandy told me Larry loves to get letters from me and that the last one was great. That’s cool to know.

What am I forgetting to mention now? I don’t know, but I’ll be back if I think of anything else.

Later…

I typed up Doug’s crazy letter for Kim which will go out tomorrow. He’ll probably get it Monday.

I forgot to mention that the kids next door have been a million times quieter. I am truly shocked. I just don’t believe it! I don’t know how long it’ll last, but it’s been great. I love it and I wish I sent that letter to them a long time ago. With them quieter, with not hearing their dog hardly ever, and with the music across the street long gone, it’s been wonderful. The most peaceful place I’ve ever lived. Also, this fan is a true gift from God that I could never and would never sleep without. Again it makes me wonder if I really want to fuck it all up with a baby. After it took so long to gain all this peace, little by little. Well, I still don’t think having a kid is in the cards with or without him cumming, so that’s the least of my worries.

Anyway, I believe I’ll go do some word puzzles for now. Did I mention that I sent Bob about 100 puzzles in a manila envelope? Yup, I did. He’ll be very pleased.

Wow, I just realized something. This journal should stretch to at least April 1st. That’ll make it the longest-running journal in quite a while. Lastly, I only have 2½ and a half more tapes to edit. That’s definitely it for now, but I’m sure that as soon as I put this book down, I’ll remember something else.

Later…

Yup, I did. It’s about Tammy. She told me something I wasn’t at all surprised to hear. Lisa and Jenny had made plans to get together, but Jenny’s been stalling, I guess. Tammy finally said that she told Lisa, “Hey, you called there twice. If they really want to, they’ll call you back.”

This is exactly what I thought would happen, though. Tammy says she hasn’t heard from Larry since he was there. I could see that he came here cuz he wanted to, but he went there only to make Mom and Dad happy. Especially dad. I really don’t think Tammy or Larry should even bother with one another, either over the phone or in person. It’s just not in Larry’s heart and Tammy only gets upset.

Anyway, I really wish to hell I could be there to see his reaction when he goes to play that edit tape. I wonder how much of it Sandy and the kids will hear? I can’t wait till we talk and to hear what he says about it. Also, about his trip to Tammy’s. I can just imagine what he’ll say about that, even though the only ones that I’ll tell are Tom and Andy.

MONDAY, MARCH 27, 1995
I’m going to be hibernating in my bedroom for a few more hours. This is because we’ve had a cool spell the last 3 days and we’ve already killed the pilots on the wall heaters. I now have the portable one on now in the bedroom. The good news, though, is that it’s supposed to hit 80º today and I don’t think it’ll get this cool again until next winter. The days have been fairly warm. Between 80º - 90º. It’s just that the last few days were only 70º - 75º and it got chilly at night. With Arizona being so dry, the 50s here feel much cooler than the 50s in MA.

Goldie called yesterday. I spoke to both her and Al and Tom talked to Goldie. They’re doing fine and are very happy about my surgery going a hell of a lot better than last time and that it’s pretty much over. All I have to deal with now are a few follow-ups and I can’t fucking wait to get this bandage off. It’s not that it’s painful or even that uncomfortable, it’s just itchy here and there. My arm’s itchy, too. If my scalp itches, I can’t scratch it for the most part as 80% of my scalp is covered.

Did I yet mention that Tom got his hair cut about a week ago? Although I like his hair longer better, it really doesn’t look bad at all. I was thinking he may end up looking rather geeky.

He tried to “shock” his system the other day. I had told him how I was almost starving myself for 3 days or so back in Sept. of ‘85 to lose weight. I told him how after trying so many hopeless and useless things, I had discovered the key to weight loss was in your metabolism. I stopped counting calories and believing it was what I ate as well as how much. I told him it takes several tries. I sure as hell had to try a million times before I could muster up enough will to eat only a few bites, drink liquids, and take vitamins. Especially when I did this at the time I was working at the Harley Hotel in Enfield, CT with all that free delicious food for lunch.

Anyway, I’m bigger than I have been in a while and am sick of the bulk of my favorite clothes being too tight, so I’m gonna “shock” my system for a couple of days or so. The thing of it is, though, believe it or not, it’s sometimes easier to lose and keep off a lot of weight than it is to do so with 5-10 pounds. What the scale says, though, is irrelevant; it’s what the measurements say. Mine could afford to drop 2-3 inches. Tom, who tells me I look fine, says I’m already too light to lose more weight. I can only tone and try to change my shape and the answer to that is exercise. Perhaps he’s right. However, we can’t change our shapes. We can only control it and alter it a bit, but I cannot exercise now anyway. My upper body is still firm, but my lower could definitely use some tightening up.

I suppose most people would tell themselves not to bother if they’re gonna try getting pregnant in the next few months, but you know I can’t believe, think, or live that way. I work with and make do with what’s happening today and I don’t count on nothing. Especially something as incredible as my getting pregnant. Incredible seeming, that is.

I was going to try to coax back my sixth sense, but it just has never been the same since being out here. Who knows if it’ll ever be like it used to be in the future? Especially when I never asked for it in the first place. Perhaps I’ll always have a little more of it than the average person, though. In my opinion, it was my compensation for getting here and getting what I’ve gotten here. If I’m right, then that’s a fine trade-off as far as I’m concerned. Something far more important could’ve been taken away from me instead. The sense of me getting pregnant in April and in the next journal is dwindling. It’s slowly fading, but June is, well, I’m not so sure yet. Regardless of whether or not I’m sterile, I still say that if Tom doesn’t cum by mid-late June or so, he never will. He still continues to talk more sure of and positive about a baby and has always, and still is dropping hints about getting pregnant in June. Well, since I’ve known him he’s been 98% right about lots of things, so we’ll have to wait and see.

There’s still a small part of me that cringes with fear and doubt over the thought of a kid. I wish I could know for sure just how it’d be for both of us. Well, I do believe strongly enough that whatever’s up there has no plans for me to die in the next 10-15 years, so if it truly is a death sentence for me, then it will make sure I’m sterile or that he never ever cums. If I have one and it kills me, then so much for that 10-15 year feeling of life. If I still have one and am miserable or it ruins our marriage, then maybe it wants me cursed and miserable again. I’ll have no idea until and if anything happens. At least all-out suffering and misery are what I feel is the least likely. Otherwise, I’d never have gotten to Arizona. Or if I did, my life here would’ve been made as shitty as in S. Deerfield or even Norwich.

SUNDAY, MARCH 26, 1995
I’m in quite a good mood today. The only negative things I’m feeling are my ear and arm itching. Also, I have to take Ibuprofen every day till I get these bandages off and can let my hair down. With the weight of my hair having to be up all the time, that does cause headaches. It’s not that long anymore; it’s cuz of its thickness. Having these bandages on for two weeks may make it grow a bit faster.

Tom helped me (cuz I’m such a lousy counter) to mark the week before my period so I remember to take water pills before it’s too late and I get so uncomfortable. I did April and May and when I began to do June he was like, oh, no, no, don’t jump ahead. Another hint about his liking the idea of me getting pregnant in June. Whatever month, I’ll still have to see it to believe it, cuz that’s just how I am over some things.

We screwed earlier which was fun. I came, but not surprisingly, he didn’t.

I did some housecleaning today. I dusted and vacuumed. Tom got this really good and powerful all-purpose cleaner. I cleaned the grease stains off the kitchen walls. Tomorrow I’ll do the bathroom and kitchen cabinets. Also, the laundry.

I finished typing 69 and currently only have 5 more regular journals to type up. However, I’m gonna take a break from typing journals to type up my story.

Sadly, the fluorescent bulb we got to use in the back room by the computer is defective. We tossed out its receipt and warranty, so we’ll have to get another one. They’re about 15 bucks, but they last for 6-7 years or so.

FRIDAY, MARCH 24, 1995
Damn, I haven’t done a #2 since the day before the surgery. Is it gonna be like the last time? I hope to hell I’m not constipated for a week like before, then have the runs and massive stomach pains.

I made another bracelet out of macramé. I’m starving and am now making a TV dinner.

I’m surprised Andy hasn’t called yet. Bob really gets on my nerves here and there, but I’ll discuss it after I eat.

Later…

I told Bob not to write little messages or poems on his envelopes. They’re really quite embarrassing and it’s no one else’s business what he’s got to tell me. He said he wouldn’t, but the stupid ass goes and does it twice. He just doesn’t get it and he’s just getting to be more and more boring, corny, with the same old shit to say. I’m thinking of dumping him more and more these days.

I’ve sent him a few word-find puzzles I don’t really like and he likes them a lot. In a manila envelope, I’m gonna send a few I keep with a certain type of print I don’t really care for, and a letter giving him a piece of my mind for the last time.

It’s hard to keep my mouth shut about my desires and fears of having a child. At the same time, though, I don’t want Tom to feel pressured. Why do I still want something I probably can’t have? Especially something that could very well kill me and our marriage. Something I couldn’t handle physically and mentally. Me and others thought I could never handle a relationship, but what if Tammy’s right and my worst fears of having a kid do come true? It seems like it should be much easier for me to never have a child and I’m sure that’s true, but it sure doesn’t always feel easier. I really hope that if I am sterile and if Tom never cums that the definite and potential negatives to having a kid will be enough to drive that desire away.

For about the 8th time I prayed to God to allow me to become pregnant as soon as can be and let us be the best parents we can possibly be and still have a wonderful marriage. If it’s not in my cards, please allow me to deal with and accept it better and help me through that.

I told Tom yesterday that my feeling of conceiving in April was fading, but June was a little stronger as far as a feeling about that. His reaction didn’t surprise me due to comments he’s made in the past. He said June was a good month to get pregnant cuz it’s cooler by the time you’re big. And something about being married at least a year before getting pregnant and it being born in 1996.

Anyway, there are 3 things I have a hard time believing him about. In all other areas, he’s always been 100% honest as far as I’m concerned and could always see and sense. Again those 3 things are:

How he claims Kim and all of us woke him up.

He’s always gonna be cumming “real soon” or “any time now” (I believe him when he says he always gets close by how hard he gets). Then he slows down and pulls himself out as if to keep from cumming. I’m not a guy, but I don’t know for sure, as weird as this sounds. He says he cums by going really slow so he can feel every movement thoroughly and really take in the feeling.

He says I’ll be pregnant soon and soon in his book he says means anywhere from now to 6 months with 2 or 3 being more likely. I don’t know about this cuz first he said I’d probably have one in November, then that became December.

After a cigarette, I’ll discuss my two worst fears, although they are thankfully doubtful.

Later…

I’ve finally been blessed with being able to take a normal shit. A small one, though, so I know I need to catch up.

Anyway, about these fears that are doubtful. I mentioned before my fear of Tom not really wanting a kid, but just saying he does to make me happy. When we first met he did say he could live with or without a kid and would agree to have one if his wife (not knowing I’d be his wife at the time) wanted one.

He’s expressed more of a desire to as time’s gone on, but from oh, say, when we met till up to 4-5 months ago, he’s said comments suggesting it’s not what he wants. Comments like: Jodi, you’re not going to have a child. I like things the way they are. I don’t know if it’s what I want. I’m so busy, I don’t know if I want the responsibility. I never sensed you’d have kids. I don’t think it’s what you really want. Not everyone in the world can have kids, etc.

I believe he’s trying to get me to be more patient by putting off stuff, even though I tell him I consider it eager, ambitious and motivated, but how do I know for sure that some other woman or person didn’t really hurt him in ways he’s never said? Like promised him something they never gave him and he wants to “even the score?” I highly doubt this, but that’d be nearly as bad as being sterile for sure or him never cumming if he’s planning on always and knowingly doing all he can do to keep me from getting pregnant. I would be very resentful if I ever found out for sure or got highly suspicious of him trying to keep us forever childless. It’d be bad and unfortunate if he said he didn’t want one or if I am sterile, but that’s very different than having someone knowingly and intentionally playing around with a serious issue with you and your head. Well, I’m still 99.9% sure he’s not a Scott M so that’s good.

Can’t wait till I get these bandages removed on April 4th. They’re not nearly as uncomfortable as the ones in Boston, but it’s not heaven, either. I do have some itches here and there.

I took the small wimpy headphones that go to the Walkman to use in my box. With these, I can adjust it so the left side is in the back of my head away from that ear while the good side is right on my ear. I can’t do that with my big kick-ass ones. They sound lousy, but it’ll do for now. Tom doesn’t mind if I play the box while he sleeps cuz he is a heavy sleeper, but occasionally I do like headphones anyway. I only like to blast it in the daytime. You see, I couldn’t give a shit or care less if I woke them up next door at 3 AM. I just don’t want to disturb any other people around here that never have been rude and disrespectful to my peace and quiet. I suppose, though, I should forget about others and just live my own life as everyone else does. People go about their business, doing whatever it is they do at all hours of the morning, afternoon, evening, and very late at night.

I sure wrote way more than I expected to tonight, but I really enjoyed it. It’s great to write out new things as well as stuff I’ve mentioned a million times over and get it all out. Tom has never ever discouraged me from talking to him. It’s just that I don’t want him to feel pressured or burdened and he isn’t here and awake 24 hours a day.

THURSDAY, MARCH 23, 1995
I said to Tom that I thought this would be the last story I write. He disagreed, so we’ll see. He’s almost always right.

As far as him being right about my being pregnant soon? I just can’t see it. He still insists he’s not holding back, as far as his not cumming. Whether he really is or not, I just can’t see him magically cumming one day soon or ever, after not doing so with me for so long.

I’ve heard different stories as far as the odds of conceiving without the guy cumming. Some say it’s one in millions. Others say one’s bound to make it up there eventually, but will just take longer.

Since I’ve known Tom he’s been 100% honest with me except for two things as far as I’m concerned. About Kim, Phil, Alex and I waking him up, and also when he says he isn’t holding back. I once made the comment to him that he could cum whenever he wanted to. He said he agreed. There have also been other statements made that tells me he’s holding back, too. I really do believe his desire to have a kid, though, so my first guess is that he was holding out till now till about June.

The second theory is that deep down he really doesn’t want one and is just a damn good actor. A better actor than I could ever have imagined. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens by the end of June. If I’m not pregnant by July or so, then I’m really gonna put some very serious thought into a hysterectomy. Cuz at that point whether I wanted a kid or not, was sterile or not, what will be the point of dealing with periods till I’m in my 50s?

He’s been acting like things will change, saying all we want is right there ready to be taken and had, but we’ll see. He’s been saying he was gonna cum every month since we began having sex. The bottom line is that we’ll still love each other just as much with no kid. Probably more so, cuz we won’t have it to take our time away from each other and fight over it.

The only thing I’d be disappointed about is if he never admitted he was holding back or did have something wrong with him should many more months go by before I got pregnant or if I never did. More so if he blamed me for it after he says it’s not my fault. Believe me, I haven’t blamed myself in a very long time, cuz I know he can cum by me as easily as I can by him. I also think he may enjoy the feeling of a hard-on more so than of an orgasm. This is weird and would drive me crazy with the frustration of needing to be relieved but to each their own.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22, 1995
Tom bought me 3 of my favorite pens today in black, blue and red, so I thought I’d start off with the black one.

As I said before, God doesn’t have great timing with everyone’s life events, otherwise teenagers wouldn’t get pregnant, but he sure does with me. My period held off till last night.

They weighed me as 102 in the hospital, but I’m sure I’m now 98-100. The first time I was operated on last December, I weighed 104.

I still haven’t had to take a pain pill. I’ve been up and about as usual. The only thing I can’t do is wear my headphones, so I just sit by the boom box as the last time.

Again it scares me and pisses me off to think - what if I never met Tom? Would Medicaid or Medicare have done a damn thing about my needing to take care of this?

No.

Mom and Dad called about an hour ago. Dad started off really loud saying, “Jodi Lin! Can you hear me?”

I told him how easy this one went and they thanked Tom for calling them yesterday at the hospital. He called Tammy, too. I tried to call her but got no answer. Things aren’t going well with Bill, Tammy told Tom.

Later…

Andy and I left messages for each other yesterday. He’s doing fine.

Tom also got me a couple of word find magazines and soon I’ll be getting them by mail. Every 3 weeks, 17 a year for $16.25.

I finally have all the journals that I’ve typed up on the computer on the main hard drive (C drive).

TUESDAY, MARCH 21, 1995
Back again after doing some editing.

I ate for the last time at 11:45. I did the dishes, polished my disgusting-looking nails, and made up a bag with extra clothes in case of an emergency.

Got a letter from Bob today. Nothing’s new with him.

Guess who else is having surgery today? Andy. Yup, he’s having a root canal done. At least I think that’s what it is. Anyway, he won’t be put out; just given Novocain like I was when I had my wisdom teeth pulled. He’s having all 4 of his wisdom teeth pulled.

Later…

I just got off the phone with Andy who’s quite nervous about his appointment tomorrow. We laughed about all kinds of things which helped to keep our minds off our surgery for a while. He called Karson, who only knows me as Mystery. She and Andy have never met in person, but Andy sure was right about one thing. This 22-year-old naïve girl is one fucked up puppy. She’s a total combination of Fran, Nervous, and Ellie. I read bits and pieces of an old journal and she totally believed everything I said. You can be so abusive to her and call her every name in the book. When I said she had a warrant out for her arrest she completely believed it and even called the police dept. to ask.

The 3 of us definitely have to talk more and I’m gonna record it. She’s great editing material. Andy says she’s home and up all the time and with her around, he never feels the need or urge to make prank calls.

Did I mention the letter I got two days ago from Larry? It shocked the shit out of me. I certainly never expected it. They just got a new computer, so that’s why. He said it’s because he hates writing. It was done on one piece of paper with an advertisement on it for Alpo cat food. He used 4 or 5 different fonts which we also have. He put in a funny joke which reminds me - sometime I’ll have to write down all the jokes I know. It’d be nice to have them all grouped together. He also wrote how when he was at Tammy’s he went to the bathroom, made coffee, and jogged around the block and she was still talking!

Ha, ha, get it?

So, I wrote back that I called her, put the phone down, gave Tom a long kiss, went for a swim, out cruising with Andy, came back and she was still talking! Tom thought it was pretty funny.

Alex must’ve broken up with Chrissy cuz I haven’t gotten any email from him lately.

Gotta go pee, then when I return I’ll mention a new type of journal I may get soon.

Later…

Oh, fuck! I’m really pissed cuz I am soooo damn hungry. I’ll just have to drink a real lot soon and hope that’ll help.

I did do some editing as I was gonna say earlier before Andy called, but I’d like to save the rest for when I’m once again hearing out of two ears.

When I was last out buying journals, I saw some that were about double the size of this one. I’ve seen them several times. Well, it may look funny on my shelves with all the others, but I’d like to get one. Its cover may be just like one of my marble covers, but oh well if it’s like one I already have cuz these sizes aren’t as common as this book I’m writing in. It’ll take quite a while to go through, but I want it for the sake of something different.

I have no regrets about recopying and ditching those 4 small ones I once had, though. Those go way too fast and are a real bitch to write in.

I hear Tom snoring a lot less, so I hope his new contour pillow really does help him.

Later…

Yay!!! It’s over!!! Boy, was this operation a piece of cake compared to the last one. I mean, the difference between this operation and the last one is the difference between night and day. The only thing that was a bitch was the waiting time. They drew blood there, cuz I didn’t have it drawn before. Waking up was easier than I thought it’d be, just as Tom said.

I do have bandages all over my head as I had in Boston, but the good news is that they don’t go under my neck. That was incredibly itchy. He had to do that, though, since there’s no frame to tape bandages to.

I can only imagine how hideous it must look, but I needed that frame taken out. Thank God it’s gone!

Tom got prescription painkillers and can you believe I haven’t had to take even one of them?! My ear and skin graft on my arm are virtually painless. It’s nice to be able to move my jaw to talk and eat since he didn’t have to take any muscle from it. Also, no strap so tight it feels like my skull’s gonna burst.

Before surgery, I told Dr. Nielsen to send my frame to Boston. He said, “Oh, I’d like to do that and tell them to bury it in their graveyard.”

I never saw Dr. Joganic.

Tom called Mom, Dad, and Tammy.

I’ve got more to say, but I’ll be writing on and off as things come to me.

MONDAY, MARCH 20, 1995
Well, it’s the eve of my surgery. I’m gonna be rather brief cuz I want to do some editing since I can’t for a while.

I slept from 7 AM - 11 AM and was very, very tired when Tom got me up. After my noon appointment with Dr. Nielsen, I came home and went right back to bed and slept from 2 PM - 6 PM. The appointment took forever cuz I was exhausted. If I had been awake, it would’ve gone real quick. The anesthesiologist called tonight wanting general information. It’s a male this time. This time around I was told that I can drink liquids after midnight, but I can’t eat.

Well, there’s more I could write about, but I think I’ll save it for later or after the surgery.

SUNDAY, MARCH 19, 1995
Today I slept from around 10 AM - 4 PM. Tomorrow’s my noon pre-op appointment. I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna have the strength to get there, but Tom confidently said there’d be no problem. He’s always right, thank God.

I finished one of the teddy bear puzzles yesterday. Then, I flipped it over, put duct tape on the back of it, and hung it on the wall. I want to do the same thing with the other teddy bear one which I’m halfway through with but don’t know how I’m gonna flip this one as easily cuz the pieces aren’t quite as tight.

FRIDAY, MARCH 17, 1995
Yesterday Tom showed me how to index disks in numerical order on the computer. It was really easy and I did 207 of them. About 20 of them crashed and I had to reset the computer cuz they were old, low-density disks.

Last night Andy and I went to the mountain for an hour and a half. On our way back we stopped at a drive-through and he treated me to an order of fries.

I brought him his taxes which Tom did yesterday. He asked what he should do for Tom. I know he can’t really afford to give him $20 as he suggested to him over the phone, so I suggested a thank you card. He can write some of our famous wacky lines, too. He also told me he has some friends who would really love the edits, so I gave him 10 tapes of one of the sets of backups. We played a few last night in his car. He says he’s gonna go through all of them just in case there’s anything he doesn’t want anyone else to hear.

As of yesterday, he’s been here for 4 years. I’m next on June 9th with my third anniversary.

All’s fine with Tom and me. There are only two things I wish Tom would improve on. I wish he wouldn’t be such a procrastinator. I wish he’d follow through with the projects he gets started on. Yesterday he said he was gonna strip the two chairs outside. He began one of them, but I know he’s gonna take forever to do them.

I also wish he’d pick up after himself a little more. One thing’s for sure and that is that I’m not straightening up the back room anymore, cuz he just turns right around and trashes it.

Later…

I talked with Tom who kindly straightened up the papers on the desk we both use.

Apparently, he flew out of here in a hurry cuz AMEX was jerking him around as far as his check goes. They were supposed to direct deposit it. Instead, they sent it to the Crystal Creek Apts.

Yesterday I got another library book that should be similar to the one I just finished.

We screwed around earlier. With no KY jelly, he was able to get in there quickly and easily with no pain or discomfort felt by me. I sure have “come” a long way. It felt like he was close to cumming. That’s what he said, but he always says that.

He seems to want a kid more and more, and more than once he said, “You’ll be pregnant soon.” I still have to see this to believe it, but right now my feeling is that if he doesn’t cum within a month after the surgery or so, then he definitely never will. What will I think then if that is the case? That he really wasn’t serious about a kid or he’s got a problem he just won’t own up to. I know how sensitive he can be at times.

Next door, amazingly, has been quieter. See? I knew there was no excuse for the way they could get at times and that those kids were controllable.

I made Tom a macramé bracelet in blue and white. I’m making some for me, using a few different color combinations. I have a double-stranded one. One side has black, maroon, purple, pink and white. The other has yellow, orange, red, green and blue.

I’m typing up 68 now and that’ll be done either tonight or tomorrow. Chow for now.

TUESDAY, MARCH 14, 1995
Boy, have we been busy these last few days. Things have been great, though.

It’s been very quiet next door. If it’s a coincidence or not, it remains to be seen.

Tammy left a message earlier saying that Bill’s responding well to his treatment so far.

I finished my library book two days ago. It was a good horror story.

Later…

I’ve done a lot so far with my remixing the edit tapes. I took my old tape recorder that allows me to fast forward/rewind with the play button down and I typed the edits on 3 different tapes. I did this cuz I had some of the same edits on a couple of tapes. It was really wild and cool to see my edits printed out so nicely. In fact, when I’m done remixing all of them, I may print them all out. It’ll be so cool to have every single edit printed out.

Also, when I was screening through tapes and I came upon some edits I thought I may have already typed up that were already on another tape, I could use the search thing on the computer. You type in the sentence or a few words of it and it’ll find it for you by highlighting it.

After I get done remixing and cutting down all my edits cuz they’re too long, I should have about 3 or 4 90-min. tapes. I no longer wish to use other people’s tapes. I’ll also have two sets of backups. I put a copy (10 tapes) in the living room table’s drawer and the other one (6 tapes) will stay with all my other tapes. I’ve already cut two tapes and I have 5 more to cut, but it doesn’t take as long as I thought it’d all take to do. Not that it really mattered anyway.

Later I’ll write in all my file names, excluding journals and drawings. I sure do have a lot of them at this time. Lots of them are stuff I’ve typed up for Tom, too. I have a few hundred files in my directory.

I put the glow-in-the-dark stickers I got from my TV dinner inside the front cover of this book. They don’t stick very well, though, so who knows how long they’ll last?

Andy left me a message the other day and told me to listen to his second message. It was from Donna. She’s also from Springfield, and Fran had her grandmother’s number which he’d constantly call while she was visiting there a couple of summers ago. Well, he’s been calling there again and Andy wanted my advice on the situation. All I could say was for her to either change her number or just hang up on him. He’s bound to try calling here and there, just as he’ll probably try here again someday. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s trying to look up and call all those with my maiden name in the Springfield area, but I don’t give a shit if he does.

I sure do have a lot of files on the computer. About a few hundred. There are lots of files I’ve typed up for Tom, too. I learned how to change the name of a file.

Now for what we got when we went out shopping today. Well, our tax return check came today for $330, so we decided to pick up a few things we wanted and needed. This is my first tax return since ‘86 and it was neat to see that it was sent from San Francisco, rather than from Boston.

Tom got one of those contour pillows, designed to support your neck and most importantly decrease snoring.

He looked around in computer stores, but couldn’t find anything too interesting or affordable.

He wants to get this thing that’s kind of like a chest tripod where you can rest and support a camcorder on your chest while filming. It’d be easier to carry it around too, around his neck, rather than to carry it even though it’s not too big.

We’re also gonna look for a new car windshield shade sometime, as well as more binders and computer paper that’s more stylish.

I didn’t find any word search puzzle books today, but I sure found where to get figurines. A store called Michael’s has lots of really nice ones. While I was there, though, I got some more silk flowers.

At the Old America art store, I got my second dog mug, an Irish Setter.

We went to a bookstore that we’d never been in before and they had a pretty decent journal selection. I got two of them and now I have a total of 91.

We went to a buffet for lunch and to Walmart where we got several things. An awesome fluorescent light for by the computer that doesn’t give off heat. The light is so much more natural too, and this bulb will last for years. We’re going to replace all our lights with bulbs like that.

I got two new pairs of French-cut silk-like panties. One’s purple and the other’s maroon. I ditched two more pairs that didn’t fit or that were old and worn out. I got a package of suede barrettes in different colors like blue, black, white, yellow, red, purple, pink, and sea green. I got 3 new headbands. I had plastic ones, but they could dig into me and get uncomfortable so I got cloth-covered ones in black, white, and purple. I got red nail polish, and lastly, two new 500-piece puzzles. They’re quite cute too. They’re teddy bears. One’s with two teddy bears at a picnic with bowls of strawberries. The other has lace and flowers surrounding them. Later I’ll write an idea I had for the puzzles as well as for flower arranging.

So much for Tom not snoring with this new pillow. I can hear him now.

SATURDAY, MARCH 11, 1995
I have only one more chapter in my library book.

We had a storm today, but it wasn’t much of a big deal. It’s still windy out and a bit chilly, but it’s not raining. Still, I doubt there’ll be any street parties today.

I haven’t heard much from next door, but last night at 10 PM as I was falling asleep, he started to get weird on me with that van over there. He came in at 10:00, shut the van off, got out, then came back and turned it on again. After 2-3 minutes of it running, I figured why bother to wait and see if he let it run for a half-hour or so, so I turned my fan up from medium to high.

Last night I thought I was coming down with a cold. I was sneezing and had a sore throat. Luckily it was only allergies, cuz when I got up I was perfectly fine.

Tom’s working on the cigarette machine now.

We screwed earlier. He wants to screw more and more and he really does want a kid from what he tells me. Oh, Tom. You’re gonna have to cum, though. You’re just gonna have to cum. If that’s what you really want, you’re gonna have to cum.

I began a major project today. It should not take too long to do, but I’m re-editing my 8 edit tapes. There are too many reps on each edit. It gets boring, as funny as they are when they’re each too long. Anyway, I’ve begun to go through and cut them shorter. So far, one whole side of a 90-minute tape has been cut to half a side of a 90-min.

FRIDAY, MARCH 10, 1995
I just finished typing/printing journal 67. I also typed the letter I got yesterday from Kim. Later on today, I may begin letters to Kim, Bob, and my parents.

Can you believe I did not wake up till 5 AM? Yesterday I was up for nearly 20 hours. I never even woke up to go to the bathroom. I weigh 98 pounds too, surprisingly.

When I was writing all about our trip to Vegas and our wedding, I noticed I forgot to mention something. A few days before we were to leave for Vegas, we got rings. His is a size 10 which they had available for him that day. The closest size they had that’d fit me at the time was a 6. They could not get my size before we left, so I had to get it when we came back. At first, I thought a 4¼ would fit just fine, but I had to end up getting a 4½.

Andy hopes to be able to pick up his VCR today. I’m gonna tape his soaps for him again today, for the third day.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this or not, but I rearranged the bedroom walls. You know those plastic-covered pieces of cardboard you stick pictures into photo albums? Well, I took about 9 of them, tore the plastic off and taped pictures onto them. Then, I taped that onto the walls. I did this to protect the pictures and make it easier for me to rearrange them. It’s easier to remove a sturdy piece of cardboard off the walls than the actual pictures themselves which rip a lot easier.

Later…

I thought I heard something from next door yesterday, but couldn’t be too sure cuz I had the fan on. I asked Tom if he heard any wild street parties and he said he only heard them out front for an instant. That was in the late afternoon. It’s a bit chilly till then, but as soon as that sun’s raced around to the front, they race out there. A month from now when it’s warm all day is when I usually hear them on and off all day and they move to the back. If I’m right in my theory about them not giving a shit, then it’s gonna be really fucking noisy out front from about 3:00 - 6:00. It’s to be 80º today.

Later…

Tom’s home now and he’s on the phone now talking with Eldon.

Today was his last day at AMEX. He found out today he’s eligible for unemployment.

Amazingly enough, when he came home, shortly after noon, he said he saw the woman next door leaving. He couldn’t tell if anyone else was with her or not. I can almost bet you that the reason she left, though, was to go to her GYN for her fucking 6th kid that’s on its way, no doubt.

Later…

They just came back next door, but I got a few hours till party time.

It’s hot out there now and I’ve got the EC on now bringing in the fresh air.

Tom and I were just talking about how things were going great now and how we’re in a great position to start the business and have a kid. He’s gonna be sleeping with me more often to make that easier and more possible.

THURSDAY, MARCH 9, 1995
Yesterday they should’ve gotten my letter. They didn’t call or come running over about it, which I’m not surprised about. It’s been peaceful for nearly a week, but I will be surprised if it stays that way. Anyway, they’re quiet a little more than half of the time. Hopefully, it’ll be almost all of the time from now on.

Yesterday I finished my third book on my current story (89). For now, I’ll keep on typing up and printing out story drafts like I normally do but will copy it in when I get a new journal for it which will be 90.

Later…

I am sitting outside now. Boy, is this journal bright in the sunlight! I came out here cuz I couldn’t fall asleep yet. I got up last night at 12:30, so in a few hours, I oughta be asleep.

It’s that time of year now when I have to keep checking the pool which I’m right by for bees. At least they’re not here every other second yet. Not till it gets really hot.

It’s a beautiful day today. Around 75º. The sun’s warm, but it’s breezy. It’s supposed to be in the mid-upper 70s through till Mon. We’re in for some showers and T-storms this weekend too, I hear.

Not a peep from next door, but at this time of year, it’s still a bit early for them. This weekend will be more of a true test. I just may not be awake to test most of the day. At this point, I don’t think they give a shit till and if I see differently. That time I told Dean that I was sorry for going off on his wife when they were moving in, he said he understood. Well, if he understood, then why was it such a circus over there for several more days after I gave a piece of my mind?

That black and white cat I call Oreo just crossed through the yard.

God, it’s getting hot now. I better go in.

TUESDAY, MARCH 7, 1995
I just talked to Andy a little while ago. He sent me an 8-page letter he got last September from his part-time boyfriend in Tucson. He also sent some Gloria pictures and two articles about thousands of prank calls made in Japan. Lastly, he sent 3 pictures. One of him here in Arizona, one of his old apartment building on Belmont Ave. back east, and one of my old apartment building on Woodside Terrace.

Later…

Wow! I actually fell asleep for 2½ hours or so after I last wrote. That’s unusual for me. Especially cuz I slept from about noon yesterday till 9 PM. Once again, maybe something is preparing me to be a day person for something other than the business. For the business, it won’t matter what time I work as long as I get done whatever work needs to be done.

Yesterday while I slept Tom went over to try to fix Andy’s VCR. It’s hopeless, so now I’m stuck taping his shows for a few days. It’s a pain, but I can’t turn a friend down.

Despite Andy’s soaps, there are 3 good movies on tonight. Why is it that there are always so many good things on at once? Well, there are only two VCRs here, not 3, so I’ll have to pick out the two I want to record.

The Gloria pictures he sent are not appealing at all, so I’ll put some in NPN envelopes and mail some to Bob. Bob will probably try to draw them. He sent a letter today with a Gloria drawing. It came out well.

After I show Tom the two prank phone call articles from Tokyo, I’ll probably mail them to Kim.

I saw the interview with Gloria who had 5 male impersonators doing a video for her at the time her baby was due. It was pretty interesting to see, but she looked terrible. Her hair was gross and she looked tired, older, and fatter.

Andy’s letter from Chris will be tossed in an NPN envelope.

When I saw the picture of the old Woodside place, I felt two emotions. First I cringed due to all the painful memories that go with that place. Then I laughed to myself, knowing never ever again will I ever have to live there again or live that kind of a life again! I would take a screaming crying baby to listen to 24 hours a day before I ever lived back east again, alone, or had any part of my old life back again.

Later…

Tom’s at work now and I’m just hanging out doing this and that today.

Tom said he no longer wants to put stuff off that needs to be done, which he said he’d do. That’s cool.

I called Tammy. Bill’s been in the hospital now for two months. She said that last night if she’d had a gun, she would’ve shot herself. Did I ever know that feeling oh so well for so many years?!

I redid my bedroom walls and printed out an updated journal chart.

Today I’m sending the letter next door. They should get it tomorrow. The last few days have been very quiet, but we’ll see how things go in time.

I also finished 66 and am now working on 67.

SUNDAY, MARCH 5, 1995
Yesterday Tom trimmed 3” from my hair. I hated to do it, but it was so dead, and really needed it. Every 6 weeks I’ll have him trim a quarter of an inch.

I’m gonna be mailing them a letter next door. It’s brief and friendly, but blunt. I know them. Their kids are gonna scream up a storm nearly every day till June. Then in the fall it’ll start back up again and die down from November to February. I ain’t putting up with it. It’s that plain and simple. I was here first, not that that should matter when it comes to other people forcing their noise on you. Fair is fair, so I enclosed this number in case my music got loud, but I’m pretty positive they can’t hear it anyway. I told them briefly about my ear, ear surgery, and why certain sounds register differently within me. While they do sound like nice people from what little contact we’ve had, I doubt they give a shit. It’s been obvious enough that they have no respect for those around them, but we’ll see. It’s that time of year where from about 8:30 AM - 7 PM I’ll hear them on and off mostly in the back. If I don’t notice any difference, then I’ll do everything I can think of to go out of my way to be heard over here. I don’t think it’ll make a bit of difference over 5 screaming kids, but I’ll think of something. I feel that if they respond to my request, God will do something else to me, but it’s a chance I’ll take. I just wish I knew what God’s message was in all this. There are only one or two other houses on this street with little kids, so why me? It doesn’t make me want my own any less, but I sure am sick of other people’s kids. My attitude’s still the same - if I’m not gonna hear my own someday, then I don’t want to hear nobody else’s.

Later…

I talked to Andy for quite a while. He said he was going through his stuff and cleaning when he came across a bag with tons of NPN cards I’d given him eons ago. Neither of us cares for or wants them; only envelopes. Then he said he came across 1 NPN envelope that he thought was his and opened it. Instead, it was an old draft of the journal subindex I had begun in ‘92. I did journals 1-22. He said he had hoped I wouldn’t be mad that he read it, I wrote nothing that made me look bad or that I should be embarrassed about, and was totally fascinated by it and how much I write.

I pulled out 16 and read him the note he gave me as he brought me to the airport to go to Florida. This was in late 1989 when I went for my 24th birthday. I also read him the letter I had him write and send to Jenny C. This was after our day in court when he was here and I was living in S. Deerfield.

I wish Tom wasn’t such a procrastinator. He said he was gonna call about stuff we ordered and never got. I can bet you that if I never remind him of it, he’ll never call. He may be busy and not feel well here and there, but there are just too many things he puts off. I really, really believe he’s trying to force patience into me. He denies that, but it does make me wonder. I don’t consider myself impatient, though. Just someone who likes to get stuff done. I also think he’s obsessed with me taking care of stuff he knowingly drops or rearranges. Other than that all is fine.

SATURDAY, MARCH 4, 1995
Yesterday we bombed this place. We left at 5 AM and drove around through PHX, Tempe, and Scottsdale for two hours till we returned at 7 AM. Naturally, we took Piggles with us.

FRIDAY, MARCH 3, 1995
Again, not much has happened. I did finish printing out 64 today. Also, after I worked out I accidentally smashed my can of marshmallow spread all over the kitchen floor.

THURSDAY, MARCH 2, 1995
Not much has happened in the last few days. Today’s appointment went well. The good news is that there should only be about 4 follow-up appointments after surgery, then I won’t have to see him for 6 months to a year.

After all the ear stuff is out of the way. I’ll hardly ever have doctor appointments. Especially since I’ll never have a kid. Knowing I’ll never have a kid is one thing. Accepting it is another. I’m sure I will in time. Once I see that Tom still doesn’t cum after he’s changed jobs, we’re in business, and my ear stuff’s over with, it’ll really sink in. The part about it that I’m grateful for is that if we did have a kid, I know I’ll be missing this life so badly. I don’t understand how I could want to put myself through such shit physically, mentally, and financially, and put our marriage in jeopardy. I’m sure I’ll come to my senses soon enough. There were other things I used to want for quite a while that I no longer want, so my feelings will change for the better if they don’t diminish completely.

Got other things to do, so I’ll write later.

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Last updated June 10, 2024