I used to be on open diary, but unfortunately that is no longer around so I need to find another place where I can vent. I spent my entire 30s on that site, really captured my life and met some amazing people who I still keep in touch with to this day. I hope I can recreate that energy here.

I just turned 40 in June. In the past 3 years I graduated grad school, got preg, then married and then became a mom. It was a lot of change in a short period. For the longest time I never thought it would happen for me, being a married mom that is. I dated a lot, but had a hard time making that connection. I hid a lot of who I was bc I really didn’t think someone would truly love me for who I was. Then I met my husband and that changed. It was one of the few times that I was so comfortable in my relationship.

The problem was, and is, is that my relationship has been built on lies. My husband is a smooth liar sometimes and it’s hard to see what are truths and what is bullshit. As much as I love him and as much as he’s my best friend, he’s also my worst enemy. It’s all very confusing.

I’ve been going thru am incredibly tough time the past two years and I hope that my return to writing will help me sort my thoughts and emotions. I’m also back in therapy. I need to become the woman I used to be; strong, independent and fearless. I have a little girl who loves and looks up to me. Failure is no longer an option.

So there it is. My life. Messy, confusing, and sometimes out of control. What I do know is that I love my daughter more than anyone , including myself. If it wasn’t for her, my life would be meaningless. That god I have her- she literally saved my life.